Chelsea v West Ham United: match preview

Preview Percy has a habit of wandering down garden paths. This week there’s passing references to quantum physics, human rights and, er, panther racing. And some stuff about football. Maybe...

Next up we pop over towards the other end of the District Line where we will be hosted by Chelsea. Kick-off on Monday night is at 8pm with Sky on televisual broadcast duties.




So Chelsea then. Reports this week have suggested that their successful period which, entirely coincidentally commenced at exactly the same time that Roman Abramovich bought the club, may have been financed by money that was even more bent than had previously been publicised.

The gangster wars that financed Abramovich’s billions had already been well-documented even before the latest revelations that UK controlled profits had been illegally-booked offshore to avoid an estimated £1bn of UK tax which was then added to all the other dubious billions used to bankroll Chelsea over the years.

They managed to avoid the points deduction their finances over the past 20 years probably deserve once more. Last year you may remember they sold their hotels to themselves. Having run out of the little red Monopoly pieces they repeated the trick this year by selling their own women’s team – who seem to be buying success in the Abramovich manner – to themselves.

There is also the matter of the illegal transfer payments that everyone knew they were making but still managed to act surprised when they came to light after the takeover. The decision on those charges is due next month and ought to involve the stripping of all titles won during the Abramovich era.

However, that would involve the authorities developing a backbone and a sense of right and wrong. Still, they seem to have managed to get by without either for the last 162 years and I fear we are about to find out with the Chelsea and Man City decisions to come nothing will have changed.

On the pitch it’s been a bit up and down for them this season. After a good run in the run-up to Christmas where they won five and drew one, things started to go a bit pear-shaped.

They’ve won but one of the following seven – a 3-1 home win over Wolves a couple of weeks back. They’ve drawn away Everton and Palace and at home with Bournemouth whilst they lost at home to Fulham and away at Man City and Ipswich. All of this has left them in sixth place at the time of writing having gained 40 points from the 23 played thus far.

According to the note that she left me, Daisy was overjoyed to note that they have not signed anyone so far in the current window, adding that she was off to be pampered at the spa and that my dinner is in the oven. Which leaves me having to speak about the current squad.

Current custodian of the onion bag Robert Sanchez’s place may be in doubt following a string of costly errors between the sticks. Options include the Dane Filip Jorgenson or Marcus Betinelli, neither of which would appear all that inspiring. If Sanchez retains his place look out for copious amounts of time-wasting – the ‘keeper has five yellows already this season.


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They will be without winger Mykhailo Mudryk. He’s thrown himself whole heartedly into the traditions of the club by joining Bosnich and Mutu on the list of players failing a drug test, testing positive for something called Meldonium, which, apart from bring a pointless answer on that teatime quiz show – I forget what it’s called – is some sort of heart drug with performance-enhancing properties.

Mudryk is still at the “I have no idea how that got into my system” stage of his protestations it should be said, though at present he is one of no fewer than eight Ukrainian athletes who have tested positive for the stuff so far.

Top scorer is Cole Palmer who really ought to have the name Carlton somewhere on his birth certificate. His 14 goals this season have all come in the league.

Enough of them I think. On we move to the wild and Wacky World Of Association Football. And yet again refereeing takes centre stage. I’ve said this before, but can we stop referring to Michael Oliver as the best referee we have?

Every week we hear this nonsense, usually just after he’s made yet another error that commentators usually say “we can forgive him the odd one here and there”. To which I say “why?”. Oliver’s decision to dismiss Lewis-Skelly may have been amusing but was nonetheless a damned terrible decision of the sort we see week in week out. Matters have been clouded by the idiots sending Oliver death threats.

That’s not acceptable. Apart from the sheer stupidity of it, every time someone does that it clouds the real issue which is that proper criticism of referees and the system under which they operate needs to be allowed. Every stupid piece of abuse gives PGMOL another layer of protection to hide behind, which is why things are in the rubbish state they are in at the moment.

Elsewhere, some time Hammers target Jhon Duran has upped sticks and gone to Saudi Arabia to sign for one of their clubs – it matters not which as most of them are owned by the same people anyway.

No doubt Duran has been swayed by the recent report to FIFA that confirmed that all is well with the country’s human rights and any protests are simply the misguided moanings of widows and orphans of journalists and political opponents who have accidentally been taken off the street by a 15-man hit squad and shot dead in the nearest consulate. So that’s ok then.

In the meantime Duran might well be advised to make sure he’s taken the last set of rainbow laces out of his boots when he finally turns up to take part in the high quality football on show in a country renowned for the developmental opportunities it gives to young players. It says here.


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And so then to us. Well for the first ten minutes or so the phrase “here we go again” was the one that leapt to mind. 1-0 down in short order and a lino’s flag from it being two. Then something interesting happened. We started playing. Well.

Much has been made of Mings’ injury that required a big reshuffle in the Villa defence, much of the comment being of the order that the changes were the catalyst for our change in fortunes. That’s rubbish however. We had started to outplay them before the change.

At the back, Kilman looked a lot happier in a three, presumably not having to cover Mavropanos lightening his load as much as the extra man did. Wan-Bissaka had another impressive runout and then there was Paqueta of whom at times we saw the best and worst.

The annoying thing about Digne’s elbow to his ribs was that, had Paqueta stood firm rather than falling over like a big girl’s blouse the chances of a red card would have increased exponentially. By going to ground, Paqueta gave the officials an easy decision by letting them react to the reaction rather than the offence. Remember PGMOL officials are creatures of little brain so give them a way out of having to do the job properly they will invariably take it.

Moving on to the injury front and the news is what you might call mixed. Antonio’s rehab continues of course, whilst Todibo’s mystery calf problem will require another week at least. Fullkrug completes the trio of “definitely not availables”. There is also a doubt about the aforementioned Paqueta, who pulled up lame in disconcerting fashion chasing a loose ball at Villa.

It had been hoped that Summerville might make the squad but Mr Potter indicated that Jimi’s recovery has been slower than expected. Leaving us with the best news of the weekend, that being that Bowen is likely to be available to play some part in the proceedings. Mavropanos will also be available after suspension, though in all honesty I’d consider letting sleeping dogs lie at the back.

So to the prediction. You have no idea how hard it is to predict a result when both teams are so inconsistent. The predict-o-matic thing Daisy bought me for Christmas simply delivered an error message stating that it was working on something simpler involving mapping the location of every atom in the universe, adding that both me and Heisenberg could go and get knotted.

So this one is down to me. And I’m going to go for a draw, though all results are equally possible. The £2.50 I was going to send to Mr Duran to help with his removal costs will instead be wagered with Mr Winstone on a 1-1 draw.

Enjoy the game!




When Last We met At The Money Laundry: Lost 5-0 Premier League May 2024
It was the week that, after much leaking from within, the Club finally announced that Mr Moyes would be on his way at the end of the season. We went into the match with our 6th choice central defensive partnership due to injuries and it showed.

Referee: Stuart Atwell
Given a job as a so-called select group referee as a personal favour to his mentor Keith Hackett. The “HS2” of the refereeing world – the time to ditch him without looking stupid as long since passed for PGMOL, who are presumably keeping him on the payroll on the assumption that he must get something right someday, based on the law of averages.

Danger Man: Cole Palmer
Their best player by far – will be off somewhere better sooner rather than later.

Percy and Daisy’s Chelsea Fact Of The Week Type Thing
I may have mentioned this one in the past – if so sorry! However, back in the day, and having had a few beers, some of my Geordie mates hit on an idea to get a daft story published in the Guardian. They hit upon the idea of getting a story published about panther racing taking place at Stamford Bridge in the 1950’s. The link to the story can be found here:

https://www.theguardian.com/notesandqueries/query/0,,-1059,00.html

The more observant of you with knowledge of a certain film set on Tyneside might note the name of the correspondent from Luton!

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