A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove...

I'm sure everybody has heard these before? But what the hell..... An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex girl "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" ...

PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods,play may continue for up to ten mi...

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: "Red............cherry," "...

No Luck ? Try these pick up lines Did you fart, cause you blew me away. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see my...

1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit. 2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted 3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. 4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit. 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a...

A young office worker was all set to leave the office one night when he found the Managing Director standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the Managing Director, "this is a very sensitive and important document. Can you make this thing work...

25 THINGS THAT MAKE A MAN FEEL LIKE A MAN: ########################################## 1 OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2 CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but eve...

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles...

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25 1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush". >(worst still you don't go to the clubs) 2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before. 3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer /basketball pla...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I...

German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you" "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Euros an hour" " Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky&quo...

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce ...

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious lea...

A man enters the confessional and says "bless me father for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Mary's'." Soon, anot...

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual a...

Chelsea have a new number for their switchboard

0 Eight hundred won nothing won nothing won nothing



Man Utd shirt sponsers, AIG - Almost In Greece

Even Julian Dicks is mentioned!!! Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked, "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nic...

(Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006) A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' . Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says ''Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious''. ''Well done Roland'' says the teacher. ''Can anyone else try?'' Katie, a sweet girl with pigtails sa...

3 Lads in Oxford not so lucky with the tickets. Any spares anyone? Anyone going from Oxford to the game? Do you think we should get tickets in the Wigan stands? Anybody else going up?