The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[hammerdivone]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I bet the gift in the crackers was ***** as well :lol:

[ageing hammer]

Apologies if done before ( can't be bothered to look up whole thread )


Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and says,

'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna ****ing die' !! :lol:

[hammer]

Christmas Dinner

Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY

From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hello,

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

Thanks,

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

Le Repas du Fromage Delicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

Dessert

Le Plat du Lait et de la Cereale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

La Patisserie Bourree
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

Thank you,
Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

what the f*** you actully cater that **** to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you fuckin kidding me. my son in college could make that ****!

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

cut the bull**** fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

Michael

[Ferret]

Was yesterdays pie thrower taken into Custardy?

[ageing hammer]

Was yesterdays pie thrower taken into Custardy?

Good one ferret LOL


Now Murdoch's bid is pie in the sky :lol:

[prince_huggy]

Good one ferret LOL

Now Murdoch's bid is pie in the sky

I've heard he's got his finger in a lot of pies and almost his face now!

[don't burst my bubble]

The woman who botoxed her 8year old for beauty pageants lost custody of her child today.

The child didn't look surprised.

[west ham15]

Iv just had a prick throw a block of cheese at me! I shouted thats mature

[ageing hammer]

Iv just had a prick throw a block of cheese at me! I shouted thats mature

That story is riddled with holes :lol:

[prince_huggy]

Iv just had a prick throw a block of cheese at me! I shouted thats mature

That story is riddled with holes

And very cheesey!

[dodgy dave]

This doesn't really work written.
Whats the best thing about shagging 26 year olds?

Theres 20 of them!

[Dover KUMB fan]

Dracula is walking down the road one night, when he is struck in the head by a sausage roll. He screams in agony, but picks himself up & continues to walk. He is then struck in the back by a leg of chicken. He falls to the ground screaming. As he goes to pick himself up, there is a stunning blond standing over him. She launches a cheese & pineapple cocktail stick into his chest. He clutches his chest and sinks back to the ground. With his dying breath, he says who are you?
She replies:
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"Buffet the vampire slayer"

[Ferret]

Dracula is walking down the road one night, when he is struck in the head by a sausage roll. He screams in agony, but picks himself up & continues to walk. He is then struck in the back by a leg of chicken. He falls to the ground screaming. As he goes to pick himself up, there is a stunning blond standing over him. She launches a cheese & pineapple cocktail stick into his chest. He clutches his chest and sinks back to the ground. With his dying breath, he says who are you?
She replies:
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"Buffet the vampire slayer"

Quality!!!

[Ferret]

How many Vietnam war veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

You don't know man! You weren't there!

[vietnammer]

Dracula is walking down the road one night, when he is struck in the head by a sausage roll. He screams in agony, but picks himself up & continues to walk. He is then struck in the back by a leg of chicken. He falls to the ground screaming. As he goes to pick himself up, there is a stunning blond standing over him. She launches a cheese & pineapple cocktail stick into his chest. He clutches his chest and sinks back to the ground. With his dying breath, he says who are you?
She replies:
.....
...
...
"Buffet the vampire slayer"

Quality!!!

I swear I posted that joke about 10 years ago and someone said it just wasn't funny. I must lack your charisma

[Dover KUMB fan]

'tis an oldie I must confess. Here is another one.
A former East end gangster joins the foreign legion. He is asked by his commanding officer why he wants to join:
" I hate Arabs. You lot shoot Arabs, I want to shoot Arabs"
The officer allows him to join & all through his basic training, all he says every day is "When do we get guns? When do we get to shoot Arabs? I hate Arabs"
His commanding officer tells him daily that the time will come soon.
One week after he completes the training, he is assigned to a fort in the desert. All of a sudden the soldier in the watchtower shouts "THE ARABS ARE COMING!!!"
Our ex gangster aims his rifle at the lookout in the tower & shoots him dead.
"What the hell did you do that for?" shouts his sergeant.
"If there is one thing I hate more than an Arab, it's a f*cking grass!"

[ak-47]

Iv just had a prick throw a block of cheese at me! I shouted thats mature

must've been the same bloke , except it was butter , yogurt and milk also . i thought , how dairy.....

[ak-47]

I've been reading Osteopathy magazine for years. I've got lots of back issues

[inter me nan]

Fellas had enough of life, missus ran off with his best mate , dog died , **** job , the bloke can't take anymore decides to end it all and grabs a bottle of pills from the bathroom and a bottle of vodka from kitchen, he sits for ages just staring at the two bottles , and thinks what his life has become, suddenly he decides he is not gonna go through with it , f*** it he thinks ,i wont lent them c**** make me do this, instead he decides to do something good , he decides to join a monastery.
A week later he bangs on the door of an isolated monastery high up in the mountains in Scotland.when the door opens a little fat monk greets him and asks how he can help, the man tells him hs story and says he wants to be a monk.
The monk tells him it's not a decision he should take lightly as ther is a vow of silence for the first ten years, he explains that for the first three years ther is complete silence, if you hit your toe with a spade whilst tending the vegetable garden , there wil be no "ouch sound" no moan , if you bang your head on the low doorway there shall be no cursing , do you understand utter silence for three years, then on the day of your third year , I shall come to your room where you may utter three words, then silence for another year, then I will visit you in your room and you may utter four words, this will continue for ten years then the vow of silence will end and you will become a full monk ,like me. Now tell me son do you accept.
The man does not hesitate, yes I accept he says.
The monk says good, then your silence begins now , ishall visit you in three years .
For the next three years the man tends the garden, carries out repair work to the stone work , and various other menial jobs
several times he smacks his toe with the spade, but makes no sound, he bites his lip and carries on , holding in his cries.
Several times he hurts his hand whilst repointing the masonry , but makes no sound.
On the day of his third anniversary, chief monk visits him in his room and says "my son there years have passed , what do you want to say"
the man replies "bed is hard"u
No worries says chief monk, we will get you a nice soft matress, see you next year.
Another year of toil and pain passes, where many times the man may have cried but remained silent.
My son it is the day of your fourth year you may utter four words, what do you want to say?"
The man replies" foods a bit cold"
No worries says chief monk, we will give your food 30 seconds more in the microwave, see you next year.
Another year of the same **** goes by for the man, more suppressed, pain more boredom.
Five years now , says chief monk, five words for you my son what will they be.
I REALLY WANNA GO HOME says the man.
I can't say I am surprised replied chief monk, YOU!VE DONE NOTHING BUT ****ing MOAN SINCE YOU GOT HERE.

[west ham15]

INSTALLING SUMMER.....
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Summer" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had it's name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.