The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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vietnammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer » Sat Nov 21, 2015 8:56 am

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the remains of Pharaoh Rocher.





(sure that's been on here already...)

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Maroonmachine
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Maroonmachine » Sat Nov 21, 2015 5:41 pm

Why didn't the Lifeguard save the Hippy?


Because he was too far out...

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Sat Nov 21, 2015 6:31 pm

What's the difference between Batman and a scouser?

Batman can go out without Robin.

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer » Sun Nov 22, 2015 10:15 am

A blond dropped a shirt off at the dry cleaners.

On the way out of the door, the lady at the counter said Come Again.

The blond said "no, it's toothpaste this time"

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cambridge hammer » Sun Nov 22, 2015 10:30 am

My mate has a new job in a factory that makes chess peices. Next week he is on knights.

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Sun Nov 22, 2015 10:44 am

cambridge hammer wrote:My mate has a new job in a factory that makes chess peices. Next week he is on knights.
:D

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hammer etc
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer etc » Wed Nov 25, 2015 8:25 pm

Q. What is Putin having for Christmas?

A.Turkey.

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Wed Nov 25, 2015 9:21 pm

cambridge hammer wrote:My mate has a new job in a factory that makes chess peices. Next week he is on knights.
Spooky. A mate of mine has been really down on his luck & unemployed for months.
He now has a job in a telescope factory. Things are really looking up for him now.

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Welling
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Welling » Thu Nov 26, 2015 10:24 am

I know it's been a long while, but does anyone know if Lisa Stansfield has found her baby yet?

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by prince_huggy » Thu Nov 26, 2015 11:28 am

Welling wrote:I know it's been a long while, but does anyone know if Lisa Stansfield has found her baby yet?
The fact that she'd been around the world and already spent a long time looking for him I doubt it but she did say she would find him, so maybe.

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claretandblue82
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by claretandblue82 » Thu Nov 26, 2015 3:27 pm

Welling wrote:I know it's been a long while, but does anyone know if Lisa Stansfield has found her baby yet?
Unfortunately all police time is still being taken up finding Maddy!! (too soon?)

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by screech » Tue Dec 01, 2015 7:24 pm

Never buy Ukrainian Y fronts

Chernobyl fall out

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Wed Dec 02, 2015 8:53 am

A teacher asked the children in her third year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims and return as a national hero.
"Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find myself the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher - shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny - decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I want to be Johnny's tart!"

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Wed Dec 02, 2015 10:38 am

screech wrote:Never buy Ukrainian Y fronts

Chernobyl fall out

Quality :D

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer » Thu Dec 03, 2015 7:39 pm

My friends were amazed when I told them I can tell the future using herbs.

"Is it true?" They asked

'Only thyme will tell' I replied.

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Fri Dec 04, 2015 9:55 am

lewisham-mer wrote:My friends were amazed when I told them I can tell the future using herbs.

"Is it true?" They asked

'Only thyme will tell' I replied.

Good old Lewisham, never disappoints :D
Last edited by ageing hammer on Fri Dec 04, 2015 10:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

Westcliffspur
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur » Fri Dec 04, 2015 10:19 am

I can see five years into the future. I've got 2020 vision.

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claretandblue82
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by claretandblue82 » Mon Dec 07, 2015 1:45 pm

Why did the hair band walk into the lamppost?

Because it was eating chocolate!! :lol:

(Courtesy of my 3 yo daughter)

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El Diablo
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by El Diablo » Thu Dec 10, 2015 12:55 pm

My daily battle (note the **** is everyones favourite word beginning with )

Every day I try my best not to be a ****

But everyone I deal with is a ****

So I end up being a bigger **** to out**** the ****s!
Last edited by El Diablo on Thu Dec 10, 2015 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Thu Dec 10, 2015 3:04 pm

A bloke was in the pub doing a crossword that he wanted to send away for a prize.

He told the barman he was stuck for the last word and that it was four letters long and ended in... u-n-.t.

The barman asks him "What's are the clues".

The bloke says "Starts with the first letter of the alphabet, and the cryptic clue is of feminine origin "

The barman says " it's Aunt "

The bloke groans and says " Damn it do you have any tippex " :)

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