The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA » Fri Nov 17, 2017 8:58 am

A young man walks in to his mum's house and says to his mum "Great news mum, I'm getting married" his mum says "well I'm pleased for you, who to?" So the son says "I'm going to bring home 3 beautiful young women and I'd like you to try and guess which one is going to be my wife" so his mother agrees.
The next day he brings the 3 lovely ladies to the house and they all sit down and his mother talks to them for a while and then the son says "ok mum, which one do you think I'm going to marry?" and his mum says "the redhead in the middle". He says "that's right, how did you know it was her?" His mum says "I don't like her"

Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA » Sat Nov 18, 2017 5:08 pm

The problem with porn for young people today is that it gives them an unrealistic idea of how quick you can get a plumber to come to your house.

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swisstony
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by swisstony » Sun Nov 19, 2017 2:47 pm

Got approached by a street magician claiming to be a mind reader today, he said "Think of any card, and focus on it, focus intently, picture yourself holding it and repeat it in your mind". After the usual stage show, fingers on the temple and intense staring, he glares at me and says "Three of Clubs!!", I answer "Sorry, you're wrong". A few seconds later he says "Nine of Hearts!!!", I reply "Nope, wrong again". So he asks "Well what card are you thinking of?"..... Congratulation on the birth of your new son

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Made In Leyton 1974
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Made In Leyton 1974 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 1:31 pm

There will be a national charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm....
If you can't come, just let them know :D

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Wed Nov 22, 2017 8:29 pm

I saw my friend stood outside the Doctor's today. He looked really worried and upset so I asked him, "What's the matter?"
He replied, "I've got the big C."

I was shocked. "What, cancer?" I asked.

"No, dyslexia."

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OFT
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT » Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:23 am

Teacher asks her junior class,
What do Hens give us?
The Class replies ...Eggs Miss

What do sheep give us?
Wool Miss

What do fat pigs give us?
Bacon Miss

What do fat cows give us?
Homework Miss

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Haarlemammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer » Fri Nov 24, 2017 12:01 pm

Tough set of fixtures coming up for Enya rugby club:

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

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psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot » Fri Nov 24, 2017 12:34 pm

Haarlemammer wrote:Tough set of fixtures coming up for Enya rugby club:

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)
:lol:

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Welling
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Welling » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:04 pm

In a recent NHS survey about constipation, 9 out of 10 people said that they couldn't give a s***.

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Made In Leyton 1974
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Made In Leyton 1974 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:21 pm

I went to a Kinky Fetish Restaurant last night.
I got toed in the hole!

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:23 pm

Last night an insect flew into our living room and exploded.

I think it must have been a Jihaddy Long Legs.

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Joyeux Marteau
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Joyeux Marteau » Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:42 pm

not sure if this has been done before

Type gob s h i t e (2nd part needs to be all one word no spaces) into Google maps - see where it takes you . . .


(apologies for the swear word but it needs it otherwise it will not work)

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Nap
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Nap » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:37 pm

Joyeux Marteau wrote:not sure if this has been done before

Type gob s h i t e (2nd part needs to be all one word no spaces) into Google maps - see where it takes you . . .


(apologies for the swear word but it needs it otherwise it will not work)
You need to stick an s on the end of that.

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Haarlemammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:11 pm

Walked past the bookies, earlier and there's a sign in the window, saying,

Open Sunday 11 - 4

I thought, it's been open the last 3 Sundays.

I'm going to have a tenner on that.

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S-H
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H » Mon Nov 27, 2017 7:49 pm

Joyeux Marteau wrote:not sure if this has been done before

Type gob s h i t e (2nd part needs to be all one word no spaces) into Google maps - see where it takes you . . .


(apologies for the swear word but it needs it otherwise it will not work)
That's glorious :thup:

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pablo jaye
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:50 pm

^^^^^

Agreed, it is hilarious.

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Cockneyboy311
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Cockneyboy311 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:22 pm

Haarlemammer wrote:Tough set of fixtures coming up for Enya rugby club:

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

Took me a second, but once i got it :lol:

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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:57 am

A dress of Amy Winehouse sold for £43,200 today. That sounds excessive, but you have to remember a lot of needlework went into it.

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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am

On I'm a celebrity last night, someone got bitten by an aggressive ant.
Apparently, he was foaming at the mouth & suffering withdrawal symptoms.

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sicknote
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sicknote » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:09 pm

I went to the offy on my bicycle last night, bought a bottle of scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, i thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so i drank all the scotch before i cycled home

It turned out to be a very good decision, because i fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home

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