The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Westcliffspur
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

When granny passed away clearing her house was such hard work and filled with sadness. Every room was packed with box after box of Oxo cubes of every different variety.

I could have killed granny's financial adviser who told her to put all her money into stocks.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

I'm not checking if this has been posted before.

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . .
only1post
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by only1post »

Gyles Brandreth on the box this morning said among his public speaking engagements he hosted The Funeral Directors Awards.
One of the top awards on the night was for crematorium of the year or
Creme de la Creme.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

Since I started wearing this new aftershave I have literally been fights the birds off with a stick!


I knew I shouldn’t have trusted an aftershave called "Breadcrumbs"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

My wife has stopped paying money to the Cats Protection. The day after she cancelled her standing order she received an angry phone call from a man saying he was going come around and break her cats' legs.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kayahammer »

I always thought Stephen Hawking had a bit of a nerve while he was alive.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kayahammer »

Where do the homeless get their marker pens?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Barking Boy »

I don't know, where do the homeless get their marker pens from?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Chicken Run Supreme »

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, " I'll have a whisky and erm ...............................................and ....................... soda"
" Why the long pause?" asked the barman.
" I don't know" replied the bear, "I was born with them."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

I Googled Welsh porn last night and got EweTube.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

Just bought a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay. 

Swede car online. 
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Just bought a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay. 
Swede car online. 
Ffs...I thought mine were bad..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tenbury »

They are.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cambridge hammer »

Paramedics attended a bloke who fainted at the top the London Eye Today. A spokesman said he was coming around slowly.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

The only thing flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

vietnammer wrote:The only thing flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself
I recall that the Flat Earth Society recently tweeted that they have over 10,000 followers globally *this actually happened.

The irony of their statement was completely lost on them.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

Haha.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kayahammer »

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.

:oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

Saw the doctor Friday, and he told me I have to stop masturbating. When I asked him 'why?' he said 'Because I'm trying to examine you'.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

Why do you make me do this?
kayahammer wrote:Jokes about white sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.
OFT wrote:Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar
Demerara
Tarte Encore wrote:There's quite a few jokes doing the rounds about white sugar but ones about brown sugar..... Demerara.
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