The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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vietnammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer » Thu May 30, 2019 8:37 am

The person who invented autocorrect has passed away. May they roast in piss.

(stolen from Cuenca)

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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Thu May 30, 2019 12:50 pm

I went into the NatWest earlier, & the cashier burst into a rendition of 'Downtown'
I thought 'What a Peculiar clerk'

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur » Thu May 30, 2019 4:27 pm

My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?" I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Pete, I'm already on my 4th can of lager." "I don't ****ing believe you!" He shouted. "Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Pete, isn't this my 4th can?"

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Thu May 30, 2019 10:20 pm

I phoned the incontinence clinic emergency helpline today.

"Where are you ringing from?"

“The waist down".

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uptonparkhurst
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by uptonparkhurst » Fri May 31, 2019 12:25 pm

Apparently a typo has been found in the Irish version of the King James Bible (GENESIS 6)

ENGLISH VERSION
Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he

IRISH VERSION
Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so he did

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Fri May 31, 2019 2:24 pm

:D :thup:

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r99c
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by r99c » Fri May 31, 2019 9:47 pm

Don't wear Ukrainian boxers.

Chernobyl fallout!

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Samba
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba » Fri May 31, 2019 11:54 pm

PC World – you’ve got to be careful what you say in there.

Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA » Sat Jun 01, 2019 12:59 pm

So R I P boiling water,
You will be mist.

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA » Sat Jun 01, 2019 1:04 pm

Swiss archaeologists have discovered that William Tell and his son used to play in a bowling league but historians have been unable to determine the names of any of the teams.
So we will never get to know for whom the Tells bowled.

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uptonparkhurst
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by uptonparkhurst » Sat Jun 01, 2019 1:11 pm

Hammer.CA wrote:Swiss archaeologists have discovered that William Tell and his son used to play in a bowling league but historians have been unable to determine the names of any of the teams.
So we will never get to know for whom the Tells bowled.
:lol: :thup:

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur » Tue Jun 04, 2019 9:35 am

Royal Scott Crystal are commissioning a commemorative statue of Anthony Joshua celebrating his first fight in the USA.

It's very authentic - the statue is made out of the same glass as his chin.

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur » Wed Jun 05, 2019 9:28 am

I think the elderly man next door is obsessed with Beatles songs.
Every time I walk past I hear him shouting "Help!"

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psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot » Wed Jun 05, 2019 12:08 pm

Westcliffspur wrote:My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?" I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Pete, I'm already on my 4th can of lager." "I don't ****ing believe you!" He shouted. "Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Pete, isn't this my 4th can?"
:thup:

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don't burst my bubble
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble » Wed Jun 05, 2019 7:46 pm

Westcliffspur wrote:Royal Scott Crystal are commissioning a commemorative statue of Anthony Joshua celebrating his first fight in the USA.

It's very authentic - the statue is made out of the same glass as his chin.
Did you make that up ?

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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Wed Jun 05, 2019 9:14 pm

Westcliffspur wrote:I think the elderly man next door is obsessed with Beatles songs.
Every time I walk past I hear him shouting "Help!"
I laughed loudly at that. I’m such a bad person

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur » Wed Jun 05, 2019 9:31 pm

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, "Super pussy!" The old man says, "I'll have the soup!

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Wed Jun 05, 2019 11:20 pm

All of Jack Dee’s children are bright, but Ellie is the brightest.

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S-H
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H » Thu Jun 06, 2019 6:57 am

Sauce! wrote:All of Jack Dee’s children are bright, but Ellie is the brightest.
Nicking that one.

:D

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off » Thu Jun 06, 2019 9:16 am

Did you hear about the two bedbugs that are engaged?

They're getting married in the spring. . .

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