The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:45 pm

I was in work one day doing a crossword, a smart ass kept looking over my shoulder and shouting out the answers.

I was rightly pissed off so the next day I was sitting there doing the same thing and when he was passing by I told him I was just stuck for one word.

He asked me what was the cryptic clue.

I told him it was a postman's delivery route.

He then asked "how many letters."

I smiled and said " Thousands " :scarfer:

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Samba
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba » Fri Sep 20, 2019 5:22 am

"My girlfriend's just been told that she's got to go to somewhere in the northwest extremity of the United States West Coast, just across the Bering Strait from Asia."

"Does she know where, exactly?"

"I don't know, Alaska".




I'll get me coat :oops:

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Fri Sep 20, 2019 7:47 pm

Once I was stuck on a crossword clue for two weeks.

The answer was "fortnight" :oops:

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- » Sun Sep 22, 2019 10:09 pm

Absolutely shocked. Clearing out my 12 year old's bedroom and found a load of BDSM gear and porn under his bed. The wife asked me how we're going to deal with it.

I had to say to her that I'm not sure spanking him would be the best idea...

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Mon Sep 23, 2019 9:03 am

A recent report said that one in four women is either on antidepressant or antipsychotic medication.

That is a disgraceful statistic. Three quarters of the female population are not getting the treatment they so desperately need.

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Mon Sep 23, 2019 12:15 pm

:lol:

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Barking Boy
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Barking Boy » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:27 pm

Sauce! wrote:
Thu Sep 19, 2019 5:20 pm
2 across: Jesus was nailed to this (5)
:lol: that's the best one.

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off » Tue Sep 24, 2019 1:13 pm

I was in a Scottish pub last week, also doing a crossword. I got stuck on “stranded on a desert island”. Eight letters. I had the first two letters “MA”. When a local Scotsman said “marooned” six people asked for a pint of lager.




I was in a taxi today and the driver said,

"I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left here!"

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer » Tue Sep 24, 2019 7:34 pm

My friend David has his ID stolen

Now he’s just Dav

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Tue Sep 24, 2019 8:25 pm

My wife said that if I don't stop reading KUMB on the computer she was going to slam my head into the keyba587967,0953jgy6rw[r4kl5r4gtf5df4r

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Jennings
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Jennings » Wed Sep 25, 2019 4:19 pm

The Old Man of Storr wrote:
Tue Sep 17, 2019 12:44 pm
Scotsman walks into the same Bakery five minutes later ...

' Is that an Apple Pie or a Meringue ? '

' It's an Apple Pie ' .
I always thought the punchline was more something along the lines of “no, you were right the first time”

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off » Wed Sep 25, 2019 6:36 pm

The patron saint of copying people in on an email is ....

St. Francis of a CC

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Wed Sep 25, 2019 9:57 pm

The patron saint of childrens’ playground equipment is St Francis of a see-saw.

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye » Thu Sep 26, 2019 6:00 am

The patron saint of looking out to the ocean is St Francis of I See Sea

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tenbury » Thu Sep 26, 2019 6:23 am

We have a new patron saint of this thread:

St.Francis of Asinine.

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Thu Sep 26, 2019 9:43 am

I ate 50 Kinder eggs last night.
Who says I'm not full of surprises?

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Thu Sep 26, 2019 9:45 am

The patron saint of drunken Scotsmen is St Francis of Ahseeyoujimmy.

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Suffolk Iron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Suffolk Iron » Sun Sep 29, 2019 12:44 pm

All those waiting for the yodelling class to start, Please form
an orderly orderly orderly queue!

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles » Sun Sep 29, 2019 2:29 pm

Suffolk Iron wrote:
Sun Sep 29, 2019 12:44 pm
All those waiting for the yodelling class to start, Please form
an orderly orderly orderly queue!

April 18th 2017:
chelmsfordhammer91 wrote:
Tue Apr 18, 2017 10:44 pm
If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
I hate my life.

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chelmsfordhammer91
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by chelmsfordhammer91 » Sun Sep 29, 2019 7:15 pm

:thup:

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