The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Just admitted to the girlfriend that I’ve got a soft spot for Beyoncé.

“Whatever floats your boat,” she said.

“No love,” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.

[Sauce!]

If you hold a shell up to your ear you can hear the sound of the sea.


Similarly, if you hold a shell suit up to your ear you can hear the sound of a Scouser nicking your car.

[ageing hammer]

Just admitted to the girlfriend that I’ve got a soft spot for Beyoncé.

“Whatever floats your boat,” she said.

“No love,” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.

:lol:

[-DL-]

Duck walks in to a bar and asks "Got any bread?"

Barman says "No"

Duck says "Got any bread?"

Barman says "No"

Duck says "Got any bread"

Barman says "No"

Duck says "Got any bread?"

Barman says "Ask if I've got any bread again and I'll hammer your beak to the bar"

Duck says "Got any nails?"

Barman says "No"

Duck says "Got any bread?"

[-DL-]

What's Garry Glitter's favourite football club?

Nantes.

[vietnammer]

-DL- :lol:

[Monkeybubbles]

Well, this is a first, I think.

Sept 8th 2016:

Duck walks in to a bar.

'Got any bread?'

'No'

'Got any bread?'

'No'

'Got any bread?'

'No'

'Got any bread?'

'No. If you ask me that again I will nail your ****ing beak to the bar'

'Got any nails?'

'No'

'Got any bread?'

[-DL-]

:shock:

[S-H]

:lol:

[Dover KUMB fan]

I just sold my entire collection of Dusty Springfield singles & albums
Now I just don't know what to do with my shelf

[crankyhammer]

:lol:

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

What's Garry Glitter's favourite football club?

Nantes.

I thought it was Young Boys

[vietnammer]

Staying in a small pension in the hills of Spain, I became violently ill halfway through the night. Amazingly, there was a doctor there and he set me right quickly. When I told him how surprised I was that they had a doctor, he said: No one expects the Spanish-inn physician.

[Sauce!]

Did you hear about the compulsive masturbator who fell down the stairs.

He broke his pyjamas in three places

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Staying in a small pension in the hills of Spain, I became violently ill halfway through the night. Amazingly, there was a doctor there and he set me right quickly. When I told him how surprised I was that they had a doctor, he said: No one expects the Spanish-inn physician.

Surely that constitutes a ban of some sort?

Mods?

[vietnammer]

Ok, I assumed the doc was a bloke. One strike for unconscious bias. I've been snowflaked by GCRO

[IABATAC]

Staying in a small pension in the hills of Spain, I became violently ill halfway through the night. Amazingly, there was a doctor there and he set me right quickly. When I told him how surprised I was that they had a doctor, he said: No one expects the Spanish-inn physician.

I stayed at that inn and was so impressed I put an offer in to buy the place. The owners couldn't believe I would do such a thing so I explained to them that no one expects the Spanish acquisition.

[view from the shires]

I always thought the punchline was more something along the lines of “no, you were right the first time”

I believe the actual answer was "no your right it's a doughnut" (not an apple pie).

I was in the same bakery 40 years ago and the Scotsman in question was the Big Yin himself.

[Samba]

Why are dyslexics going to have a bad day on the 27th of October?
Their cocks are going to turn black.

[Monkeybubbles]

My wife didn't believe me when I said I was going to give our daughter an unusual name. So I decided to call her Bluff.