The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Sauce!]

Nine jokes walk into a bar. Before they get a chance to order their drinks, a play on words bursts in brandishing a machine gun and kills all nine jokes before turning the gun on himself.

Pun in, ten dead.

[ageing hammer]

Nine jokes walk into a bar.

Monkey bubbles seen them all before

[Hammer.CA]

An authoritarian walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Volunteer local mini-bus driver walks onto a bar but is only allowed to get the OAPs around.

[Sauce!]

Never take Viagra and iron supplements at the same time.

I did and spent the rest of the day facing north.

[ageing hammer]

A road construction worker with a lump of tarmac on his shoulder walks into a bar.

He says to the barman " A pint of lager please and could you give me one for the road"

[Monkeybubbles]

^

A piece of black tarmac and a piece of pink tarmac are having a drink in a pub. Suddenly there's a commotion as piece of green tarmac kicks the doors open, storms up to the bar, helps himself to a pint, smashes the empty glass against the wall and storms out again, deliberately knocking over three tables on the way.

"You're not gonna let him get away with that, are you?", the black tarmac asks the landlord.

"Oh, you don't wanna mess with him", he replies, "he's a cycle path".


I think you might have to read it out loud. In a northern accent.

[bigcarpchaser]

Police are looking for three West Ham supporters who homophobically abused Brighton supporters on Saturday. A police spokesman said when caught they will be banned from watching West Ham for life, so far 34,900 supporters have come forward and said it was them

[WHU_Del]

They say you should never mix the grape and the grain.

That's why I never eat Alpen.

[pablo jaye]

2 jump leads walk into a pub ... the barman says ‘I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything’.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
So he could see her crack.

[uptonparkhurst]

A blind man went missing on a nudist beach.
A police spokesman assured his relatives:"Don't worry,we'll find him - it won't be hard."

[ageing hammer]

I would give the lions a skip if going to the Zoo.

They might sneeze on you and give you that virus,

Well they are carnivorous :shock:

[Cockneyboy311]

^

A piece of black tarmac and a piece of pink tarmac are having a drink in a pub. Suddenly there's a commotion as piece of green tarmac kicks the doors open, storms up to the bar, helps himself to a pint, smashes the empty glass against the wall and storms out again, deliberately knocking over three tables on the way.

"You're not gonna let him get away with that, are you?", the black tarmac asks the landlord.

"Oh, you don't wanna mess with him", he replies, "he's a cycle path".


I think you might have to read it out loud. In a northern accent.

Love stupid jokes like this :lol:

[Sauce!]

Why do people take an instant dislike to Liverpool fans?

To save time.

[Samba]

The other day I asked someone to give me an example of an innuendo & they couldn't give me one.

[lewisham-mer]

Philip Scofield is leaving ITV because he prefers bbc

[cambridge hammer]

I have Blur alarm on my phone. It wakes me every morning at 7am by playing Park life. Except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely awoken by the dustmen.

[ageing hammer]

We have been getting a right battering in Ireland from storm Ciara.
My missus was looking through the window and looked really worried.
Eventually I had to let her back in.

[old fart]

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniacs?




An idiot who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog

[The Old Man of Storr]

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniacs?




An idiot who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog

Also , loved all the last few jokes especially Sauce's viagra joke , WHU Del and MB's cycle path .