The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Hammer1972]

I threw a surprise bukkake party for my wife.

Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

[Sauce!]

When I was a little boy my mother always used to tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

[ageing hammer]

I have to say the last few pages on here have been brilliant well done everyone and keep 'em coming.

Seconded. I'm sitting on the bog having a good old chuckle.......

Ironic reading the crap joke thread

[cambridge hammer]

A strange bloke keeps ringing my Mrs when I'm on night duty.and asking if the Coast is clear. I think he has us mixed up with the lifeboat station.

[Sauce!]

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake.
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green.
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff.
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the f****r off.

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

There's a new machine at my gym - it does EVERYTHING.

Mars bars, crisps, coca-cola, Red Bull...

[OFT]

There's a new machine at my gym - it does EVERYTHING.

Mars bars, crisps, coca-cola, Red Bull...

I'll join

[ageing hammer]

Sauce I ****ing love that mate

[Sauce!]

Sauce I ****ing love that mate

Nicked off Sickipedia (like most of the jokes I post on here)


As the hot semen dribbled down my wife's chin, I looked deep into her eyes and asked " Do you like that ? "

"No" She replied. " What the f*** is in this sandwich?”

[delbert]

I wish I could take a peek into the future and see what next year will bring me, but I haven't got 2020 vision..........

[ageing hammer]

One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question dad?"

"Sure, son what is it?"

"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.

Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."

So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.

"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"

Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."

Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....

"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"

"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"



Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm ****ing freezing! "

[Monkeybubbles]

FOR SALE

George Foreman Grill

Muhammad Ali DVDs

Both boxed

[Sauce!]

I'm renting a house from the matron at the local ursine hospital, and it's full of inflatable sofas.

Doesn't sound great, but it's got all the bear nurse air settees.

[Rocketron]

I'm renting a house from the matron at the local ursine hospital, and it's full of inflatable sofas.

Doesn't sound great, but it's got all the bear nurse air settees.

That took me longer than it should. I blame too many Strongbows.

[North Devon Hammer]

People say I am a wanton plagiarist.

Their words not mine.

[Sauce!]

I've found a chip shop that serves its fish on photocopier paper.

It's a little plaice on the A4.

[Monkeybubbles]

I paid upfront for a carpenter to make me a double bed. He's done a bunk.

[ageing hammer]

All brilliant again

[Clacton-ammer]

A friend of mine, who has a stutter, was telling us about his nana.

By the time he was finished we were all singing Hey Jude

Some blinders on the last few pages, but this one :lol:

[Sauce!]

I was brutally raped in jail last night.

My dad takes Monopoly very seriously.