The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA » Sat Jun 22, 2019 2:33 pm

The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of vodka, two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No" she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA » Sat Jun 22, 2019 5:54 pm

I walked into McDonalds today and said to the cashier, "I've got no money on me but I would like to buy a Big Mac meal please."
She looked me in the eyes and said, "With what?"
.
I said, "A Coke please"

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Sat Jun 22, 2019 6:52 pm

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so the next morning I went round to her house and let her tyres down.

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old fart
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by old fart » Sun Jun 23, 2019 4:42 pm

My mate said I wasn't a true Cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges

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sussexhammer74
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sussexhammer74 » Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:00 pm

Why did I get divorced?
Last week.was my Birthday. My wife and kids said nothing, my parents and work and rest of my family too. Zip, not a happy birthday, not a single present.
As I entered the office my secretary said 'Happy Birthday Boss', I felt so special, that someone had remembered, so much so I invited her out for lunch.
After a couple of drinks and finishing our lunch, she invited me back to her house.
After 5 mins in her house, she said, I'm just gonna go to the bedroom give me 5 mins. I thought, wow this is gonna be a grand birthday present.
5 mins later she arrived in the room with a Birthday cake, my wife, kids, parents, other family members and work colleagues, who were as shocked as I was to see me naked on the sofa

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Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off » Tue Jun 25, 2019 10:30 pm

If anybody wants a list of every famous Bugs Bunny quote, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc!

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Eggs'n'nuts
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggs'n'nuts » Wed Jun 26, 2019 11:32 am

I asked my doctor if he could help me in my attempt for The World record of injections in a minute.

He said he'd give me a shot!

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Wed Jun 26, 2019 12:42 pm

Today, I've felt calm, cheerful, and contented. Tomorrow, I'm moving on to the letter D in my Braille for beginners book.

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EssexIron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by EssexIron » Wed Jun 26, 2019 4:43 pm

Sauce! wrote:Today, I've felt calm, cheerful, and contented. Tomorrow, I'm moving on to the letter D in my Braille for beginners book.
That means tomorrow you'll be feeling dads, dicks and dongs!

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kayahammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kayahammer » Thu Jun 27, 2019 12:25 am

I came out of the bathroom on the morning of my fiftieth birthday and said to my wife, "I've just been staring at the mirror and all I see is a tired, grey haired, beaten, ugly man staring back at me. I need you to give me a compliment."

She said, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect."

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kayahammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kayahammer » Thu Jun 27, 2019 1:54 am

Later that day as me and my wife walked around the zoo for my birthday I saw an opportunity as we stood staring at the hippo enclosure. "Remind you of any of your relatives?" I asked, a wry smile waiting to show itself."

My wife turned to me and without blinking said, "Yes. My in-laws."

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Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off » Thu Jun 27, 2019 9:10 am

I have a friend who lives just outside Chernobyl in Ukraine.

He watched that drama and said he counted 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

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Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off » Fri Jun 28, 2019 1:26 pm

Just told the wife that my new job is having sex live on stage.

She said "Are you having me on?!?!" 

I replied "I'll ask, but so far they've all been slim and pretty!" 

Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA » Sat Jun 29, 2019 11:31 am

I put a map of the world over our dart board at home.
I gave the wife a dart and said wherever that dart lands is where we'd go on holiday.
I'm pleased to announce that in August me and the wife will be spending two weeks holidaying by the f***ing skirting board.

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! » Sat Jun 29, 2019 6:08 pm

The first time I went metal detecting I wore my steel toed safety shoes.

I was just finding my feet.

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-DL-
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- » Wed Jul 03, 2019 7:35 pm

Police have identified the body of a man who fell out of an airliner over Clapham, London.

Amin Yagar Din has been describe as "A nice chap, very down to earth. He liked to make an impact."

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Samba
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba » Wed Jul 03, 2019 8:04 pm

You'd think that removing a snails shell would make it move faster.
It doesn't, it makes it more sluggish.

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delbert
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by delbert » Wed Jul 03, 2019 10:32 pm

-DL- wrote:Police have identified the body of a man who fell out of an airliner over Clapham, London.

Amin Yagar Din has been describe as "A nice chap, very down to earth. He liked to make an impact."
50 years ago the USA landed a man on the moon, this week Kenya managed to land one in Clapham........

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer » Wed Jul 03, 2019 10:57 pm

Back in the '80's a box fell out of a cargo plane from Japan carrying car parts for gearboxes.

I looked up and said " That's something you don't see everyday, it's raining Datsun Cogs"
Last edited by ageing hammer on Mon Jul 08, 2019 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan » Wed Jul 03, 2019 11:05 pm

-DL- wrote:Police have identified the body of a man who fell out of an airliner over Clapham, London.

Amin Yagar Din has been describe as "A nice chap, very down to earth. He liked to make an impact."
Apparently he originally landed 5 doors down the road. However, they had a trampoline in the garden.

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