The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

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WHU Independent
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by WHU Independent » Sun Jul 07, 2019 11:28 pm

Being lied to and deceived is for me, and I suspect for others here, one of THE worst things that can happen to someone to someone in a relationship, so I feel your pain HL

I've had an ex who shagged another bloke behind my back and I got mad when I found out - NOT because she was shagging a guy - but because all the effort, time and organisation put into deceiving me to ensure she had a clear run at it. She'd shagged men before she met me and would be shagging men after we finished, but the sheer amount of deceit and lies behind the whole deception was staggering.

Like an onion, I unravelled it all - sometimes thinking it was best left unknown - and once I worked out what was going on, it was like a hard punch to the gut. But I knew what she did, how far she planned it and what it took to happen.

But as Tenbury and PJ so eloquently put it, pain goes away after time.: it's temporary in most cases. But rest assured your ex is the real loser here - she has lost something more valuable than she will ever know and she'll never get it back: your trust.

Whatever she says, whatever she claims, you'll never believe that she's being 100% truthful. Ever.

Imagine being doubted whatever you say.

Some people can forgive their partner for an affair. Most excuses being "it was a spur of the moment thing", "I was drunk," etc and although I couldn't, I can see why.

However a mountain of lies, the amount of pre planning, the scheming - that's another matter entirely. AND IMHO that is what makes it so bad.

Move on mate - you are the better person.

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by ageing hammer » Mon Jul 08, 2019 11:23 am

Laffers really feel for you in this very tough time mate, there is plenty of good advice on here and you will definitely look back later on and realize you are worth more than being treated like this. It's her loss mate, keep fighting the good fight, give it time and you will move on. :thup:

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Hammer Laffers » Mon Jul 08, 2019 11:59 am

Thanks for all your kind words.

WHUI summed it up. It’s the lies and deceit.

I’ve cleared her debt for her and basically she has ****ed off. It’s not the money it’s the lies. She reckons she will pay it back but she doesn’t get it.

She’s still lying now. But it’s getting worse and she’s trying to twist everything on me. I feel so horrendous. I’ve had a panic attack at work.

She asked me to stop talking to her weeks ago which I did. Since then she has text me every day.

So far today I’ve had 33 text messages and 2 attempted phone calls.

Years ago I had an episode of self harm. This is the first time those thoughts have ever come back to me.

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Mega Ron
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Mega Ron » Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:15 pm

Block her number mate

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fjthegrey
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by fjthegrey » Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:19 pm

Hammer Laffers wrote: So far today I’ve had 33 text messages and 2 attempted phone calls.
I know this scene. I shouldn't but I do.

They say they want to stop communicating, you manage to do it and it ****ing kills them. What they were hoping for was that you would be the one relentlessly sending messages and making phone calls. When you don't, the dissonance is too strong and the insecurity just comes pouring out. It's like they were expecting to have you on a leash and be able to control you like a little lap dog.

All you can really do is just focus on how selfish they are, force yourself to see who they actually are (not hate them because that blinds your judgement just the same as infatuation) and re-balance your feelings and behaviour towards them.

33 messages is a bit strong though.

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The Old Man of Storr
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by The Old Man of Storr » Mon Jul 08, 2019 1:10 pm

ageing hammer wrote:Laffers really feel for you in this very tough time mate, there is plenty of good advice on here and you will definitely look back later on and realize you are worth more than being treated like this. It's her loss mate, keep fighting the good fight, give it time and you will move on. :thup:
Whether your team gets relegated , you get ill or your partner turns out to be a dud , it's all about time passing , waiting until things get better - today you'll be feeling like shyte but let some time pass and you'll be ok . Patience is the key , just enjoy as much of the present as you can and don't let things get to you , you're still alive , live life happy . Or as happy as you can .

You're a good man , Laffers , we all saw you getting that award , you're the good guy here , one of life's lessons learned . Keep breathing .

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Samba » Mon Jul 08, 2019 7:05 pm

Hammer Laffers wrote:Years ago I had an episode of self harm. This is the first time those thoughts have ever come back to me.
There is a difference between feeling like it & doing it. No wonder those thoughts have come back mate, it's a rotten time you're going through but these days will pass & you will feel better, in time.

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by mushy » Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:45 pm

Laffers, sounds like you were in a toxic/narcissistic relationship.
This will have knocked you sideways emotionally and drained every bone in your body.
Manipulative people are highly intelligent and if they want to will try and use every trick in the book to hoover you back up and win their trust again (nothing is ever their fault).They will have a multitude of pitying sob stories to reel you back in, be very careful.
Meanwhile look after yourself, start caring for yourself (even though you may not feel like doing so right now).
Take your time, grieve the relationship and gradually get your life back and find the real you again (because the real you would have gone missing sometime ago).
Its gonna be hard, its going to take time but you will get there and end up a better person for it.
Above all take care.

How are the feelings of self harm coming along?

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by chalks » Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:54 pm

Cambs Iron wrote:I know the weather doesn't fix mental health but its a huge factor in people feeling good about themselves.
Yet I’ve just had probably my worst 3-4 days in around 4 years.

Funny old world eh

I’m currently like Tyson Fury when he was on the floor from that Wilder punch. Somehow I’ve got back up, and I’m not quite sure how I’ve done it

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Samba
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Samba » Tue Jul 09, 2019 6:04 pm

chalks wrote:Yet I’ve just had probably my worst 3-4 days in around 4 years.
Funny old world eh
I’m currently like Tyson Fury when he was on the floor from that Wilder punch. Somehow I’ve got back up, and I’m not quite sure how I’ve done it
Sorry to hear that, chalks.
That's so painful to go through. Are you seeking help for how you've been feeling?

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by ageing hammer » Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:12 pm

Chalks mate sorry to read you are suffering, almost everyone has been on the floor like that at some stage in their lives. Getting back up ain't easy but at least you got up. Things never stay the same it never stays bad forever and equally it never stays good. Life is full of ups and downs and there are more downs than ups.
Keep going mate. :)

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by The Old Man of Storr » Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:38 pm

ageing hammer wrote: Life is full of ups and downs and there are more downs than ups.
And that's where Viagra comes into play .

You pitch them over , I'll knock them out the ground .


Mushy - good words , mate , good words .

Ultimately , it's all down to ourselves how we react to these setbacks in our lives , we can feel sorry for ourselves [ got awards for that ] or we can pick ourselves up and start punching once more [ obviously , that's a metaphor , right ? ] .

Mate of mine who'd been in rehab spent £7k of his money on crack cocaine last year , he'd never touched it before - he's got his **** together once more an is doing fine now .

Everything is relative .

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by mushy » Wed Jul 10, 2019 11:43 am

Anxiety at work.
A few tips from The Metro (again).
https://metro.co.uk/2019/05/15/cope-anx ... ssion=true" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by ageing hammer » Wed Jul 10, 2019 1:49 pm

^^^^^^^^^

There's some great advice in there thanks Mushy :thup:

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by mushy » Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:35 am

This is interesting, The Guardian today suggesting a Ketamine based drug could be the way forward for some people suffering with depression.
https://www.theguardian.com/science/201 ... n-the-year

Sliema1990
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Sliema1990 » Mon Jul 15, 2019 7:54 pm

A sad and tragic tale here. I got married 19 years ago next week.Lovely girl who went on to be a fantastic wife,and then mother to our two boys.Over time though something wasn't right. She would come out with some of the most random threats, Accusations of being bullied in work,people trying to get her out.
She would apply for other jobs, get them, but once she was told she had been successful, she wouldn't take up the offer.This happened a few times.She would also get upset and say that's it i'm not coming home.I am going to the woods to hang myself. Said so many times it became normal vocabulary in the house.I called it attention seeking.
Without going on too much, in 2010 i found out she was having an affair,with none other than my Brother. Time passed,and in the end she left me with my two Sons to bring up.
5 years on since she left.I got a call 3 weeks ago tomorrow from her work, concerned she hadn't turned up that day.Her landlady was concerned as her car was still on the drive.Police were called, and she was found hanging in local woods.
As my boys are next of kin, yet only 12 and 18 years of age.I had been asked to take over all arrangements.Last week we had the cremation I arranged it all. I had to empty her room in the place she shared. In that room were photo albums titled My Family. Inside there were pics of the boys, Her Mum and dad.The Dog. Then my Brother. In 10 years of marriage the only trace in her life of me was a pair of West Ham cufflinks i wore on our wedding day.
I have all the paperwork, banks, pensions,store cards, return a lease car.So much to do. Only 45 a tragic waste, and the boys without their mother.

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Samba » Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:38 am

That was sad to read, Sliema. Sounds like a very troubled lady who wasn't able to sort out her problems.
Very hard on your boys & even you, in a way, even though you were no longer together.
I wish you strength to get through it for you & your lads.

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Tenbury » Tue Jul 16, 2019 7:13 am

It seems deeply unfair that you, of all people, have been left to clear things up.That in itself must be very,very difficult.
Just by coping for the last 7 years, and caring for your kids, you've shown immense strength, in a way that is unimaginable to me and is awesome, in the true sense of the word. Don't ,however, he afraid to reach out for some help, I'm not sure there's many who could deal with all this without it.
A desperately sad story, your ex was, clearly , really unwell, and terribly unhappy ( was she bipolar? her actions would suggest it, though there are so many forms of mental illness).
A horrendous thing has happened in you and your kid's lives, but with help ,the very fact that you ,and they, can, and will, overcome in time this horrible experience will make you all stronger and more comfortable with yourselves.
Good Luck.

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Tenbury
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Tenbury » Tue Jul 16, 2019 7:24 am

Reading that, it seems really trite, and for that I apologise.I'm not for a moment suggesting it'll be easy.

[FWIW, one of my few true friend's funeral is next Friday, life got too much for him too, in his mid 70s he threw himself out of a first floor window (one consolation of old age, it makes topping yourself easier) .Despite everything,I can't get my head round it.
Needless to say I'm being pre op-ed for a heart op that day so I can't go...]

You do sound like one strong bloke,though, but don't be afraid to ask for help. Best Wishes.

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Sliema1990 » Tue Jul 16, 2019 8:44 am

Thank you for your kind words guys. There were so many things wrong in my story, but i have the memory of 10 happy years married. The next four were horrendous trying to save my marriage,and then 5 years of bringing up the boys on my own.
Now we must continue to move forward.I will never quite understand why, After she left, she didn't make a lot of effort to see the boys.I gave her as much access as she wanted.I wrote to her telling so, but she claimed i was controlling her life, even after she left.So i just left it at that.
5 days before she took her life,she came to the house.She was bubbly and happy.Just got her passport renewed.I said she could visit her parents in Ireland now, and take the boys if she wished.
Only she knows what made her take her life,something could have triggered it.She was diagnosed with Crones 3 months ago. Her stomach was so bloated at times that people would question if she was pregnant or not. Topped with taking tablets over the years,small cysts had appeared on her stomach lining,although not thought to be dangerous.
I have about a dozen bin bags in my garage, a couple of boxes, and a few paintings.All to show for 45 years of life on this Earth. As i said Tragic.

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