The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

[Mega Ron]

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[Samba]

Thanks mate.....Now any idea how I did these shoelaces? :lol:

Deep breathe...

Put the left lace in your left hand...

[PrawnSandwich]

I hate posting here on the back of reading people's posts with what I called 'real problems' but I kind of need to let out a silent scream.

I moved out in July.
People who have followed this thread all year will know my domestic situation.
It was only expected that with me no longer in my house my wife would be free to conduct a relationship without the problems that existed before I moved out so anything that was to happen stood more chance of enduring.
Fair enough, it's December, it's been six months, I don't want her back if she changed her mind, I have known of her relationship for some time as I have had to go round our house and seen evidence, I expected at some day she would fess up to it because it's too big a thing to conceal and Devon is small, plus social media.
Having done her a favour last night which involved dropping the kids off at the house for her nights she was all smiles and all happy.
I left saying I had enough tome to sort something before I went out last night...

9.35pm, bang she dropped the text announcing to me that she had been seeing someone (no surprise) it had been going on long enough that it was serious (no surprise) and as they both had kids they wanted to introduce them at some point after Xmas (again, no surprise) but she didn't know how to tell me face to face.
Crashing my night out.
I took pains to say that it was fine, I expected it and I trusted her judge of character (turns out he's friends with another friend of mine but I am not touching that for now, their meeting was through Tinder, this is a coincidence and the friend isn't that close) and whilst she should have probably told me face to face we should get together for a coffee and just try and figure out why we can't seem to ever get on the same page in communication unless talking directly about the children.
Good idea she says, come round Friday, we'll have a curry.

This morning 'Oh I have terrible diary management' (it's literally her job) 'I have already got something booked'.
I said, we can reschedule unless you don't really want to.
'I don't really feel comfortable or see the need - we communicate fine'
Well clearly we don't if you feel you can't be straight with me or agree to (or suggest!!!!) things you don't want to do then reverse or decision on email for text 24 hours later... why can't you just be open and honest when talking?
'I don't know'

Then she unveiled her entire Facebook page that she has locked away from me (not that I care I may add but we have shared albums for the kids that it f**ked up) and she posted her relationship status as in a relationship back in August (again, whatever) but it turns out the bloke lives 35 miles away.

So I spent all night with anxiety eating away at me that at some point she is going to try and take my kids away from me and I have literally spent the entire year rebuilding my life around them.
This is all anxiety and entirely 2am speculation, but having a conversation like an adult would have prevented this.
But then again if this had happened in the last 2-3 years then maybe we would still have a marriage.

I am ****ing mentally drained at the effort it takes for this to work to be treated like this.
I am trying all the CBT/therapy techniques of banishing negative thoughts but I have spent the day with a scratching in my brain that is sleep deprivation and anxiety questioning literally everything in my life for the last ten years.

And I thought I was winning too.
It never goes away.

[Mega Ron]

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[S-H]

Prawnie, I don't have advice for you as I am pretty crap with things.

What I do want to tell you is that I've thought about you a fair amount since you started posting on this thread. I think you've done as well as anyone could possibly have done to keep things together.

Keep going brother. Nothing can happen as fast as we would like, but I think that good things will come to you if you keep going.

Couldn't have said it better myself, bud.

Prawnie you have a lot of people in your corner, dude.

If anyone deserves a break it's you.

[fjthegrey]

Also, I know it's relative and all that, but 35 miles is not a big distance dude.

Maybe it seems that way but it is not an insurmountable distance between which to maintain an important relationship.

[PrawnSandwich]

Also, I know it's relative and all that, but 35 miles is not a big distance dude.

Maybe it seems that way but it is not an insurmountable distance between which to maintain an important relationship.

I have 50/50 custody of my children so I have them seven days out of fourteen split in a 2-2-3 pattern.
If they moved away I can't do 2 round trips a day to take them to school.
It would literally be me giving up my kids and I have fought with everything I have not to lose my children because I believe (and I don;t mean this to sound as detrimental as it'll come out) I am the more rounded parent.
If she wanted to move away and leave me the kids full time then she has my blessing to go right now.

But again, thank you all.
This place has been a welcome sanctuary.

[Samba]

I hate posting here on the back of reading people's posts with what I called 'real problems' but I kind of need to let out a silent scream.

So I spent all night with anxiety eating away at me that at some point she is going to try and take my kids away from me and I have literally spent the entire year rebuilding my life around them.
This is all anxiety and entirely 2am speculation, but having a conversation like an adult would have prevented this.
But then again if this had happened in the last 2-3 years then maybe we would still have a marriage.

I am ****ing mentally drained at the effort it takes for this to work to be treated like this.
I am trying all the CBT/therapy techniques of banishing negative thoughts but I have spent the day with a scratching in my brain that is sleep deprivation and anxiety questioning literally everything in my life for the last ten years.

And I thought I was winning too.
It never goes away.

Your post is exactly right for this thread, PS.
First thing is, you need to start getting some early nights & TRYING to get some good sleep. Everything is so much more difficult if our mind is shattered from lack of proper sleep.
You must feel like, 'what the f*ck is she gonna hit me with next?
At the moment, you/we, don't know what she plans or wants to do next but hopefully, she will take you into consideration. I would think it would be wiser to let your kids stay with the friends they have & in the schools that they are but who knows what she'll want next.
You can only do your best & you may still, one day, turn out to be the one better off.
When I see your posts, I see a winner, in my eyes. You can see by their posts, that others on here, also feel the same about you.

[mushy]

Double post error

[mushy]

And I thought I was winning too.
It never goes away.

Trust me Prawnie you are.
Your gonna get setbacks, everyone does,some of them worse then others, you cannot expect to.be totally fixed in such a short time.
Your ex wife is playing an awful narcissistic game with your emotions, this stuff about not being able to communicate is crap. Nothing much you can do about that so in effect it's pointless trying to battle it. (Easier said then done).
As someone that suffers from sleepless night due to anxiety I fully empathise with your plight.
It's a right old bugger.
Good luck and keep talking!.

[Samba]

Do you keep a diary, Prawnie?
It can be useful & quite cathartic at actually getting stuff out (warts & all) & getting it on record. Otherwise stuff just goes round & round in our heads.
Can be pen & paper, on a laptop/desktop or even just on your mobile.
You don't have to ever show it to anyone.

[Tenbury]

That ^ is a really good idea. Although I never manage to keep one together for more than a few months, and it doesn't matter if you miss a few days out, I feel like an idiot for not suggesting this before.
I just have a few cheap exercise books and a pencil, and I write my down my thoughts,(and surprisingly some of them are quite strange.) You know how sometimes it feels a bit better just to post things on here?....similar thing.
Some really interesting advice I heard ( not given to me, but by a professional counselor to my neice, who's in a similar situation to yourself:dumped with 2 young kids by a narcissist whose personal problems seem to take precedence over his role as a parent) and this lady told my neice,' You're doing all the right things, even though you're having a really hard time, the only thing that can make this better is the passage of time, nothing significant needs to change....you just need to fast forward a couple of years.'

So ,day to day,week by week, etc , work hard on your coping strategy. Look how far you've come already.
(A dairy would help here). Use this place for a rant,listen to Samba/Mushy/et al, they're sensible.
Your kids need you,and things WILL improve.
All will be well.
Best wishes.

[The Old Man of Storr]

Prawn Sandwich -

Let me know if I've got this wrong -

You left the family home which you helped pay for and are now renting , you did all this to keep your children happy and safe - you have done your duties as a Dad , helped out your ex-partner whenever you could and now you're faced with her moving to her new partner's house and taking your children with her which is 35 miles away ?

My advice to you is this -

Tell her you want to sell the house so that you can buy somewhere of your own - tell her you want joint custody or full custody of the children and write down everything that's happened thus far to present as evidence for whoever will need to decide . The Court will always favour the woman unless you can prove she acted in a way that put your children in jeopardy - so have your evidence ready .
Stop playing Mr Nice Guy and start thinking of yourself for once .

[ageing hammer]

Prawnie I can't offer much more than what the other great people on here have already said, my only offering to you is that you wrong if you think you are not winning, you ARE winning and you have come such a long long way despite all the pain and suffering.

You have been extremely strong, brave and there is not a single person on here that hasn't been inspired by you.

This is just a blip, a pothole on the road, you will find a way to sort this out and as Tomos said, time to take off the gloves and get tough mate remember you were not at fault here.

You deserve some happiness mate and I really hope it's coming your way soon.

[PrawnSandwich]

now you're faced with her moving to her new partner's house and taking your children with her which is 35 miles away ?

Hi TOMOS,
This bit is not a reality (yet), this was a result of my anxiety following her inability to communicate properly with me and be straight with me.
Finding out she is dating or serious about a guy who lives that far away made me project an imagined scenario where that is her solution down the line.
For all I know he could move to her, they could remortgage and buy me out of my equity or the house could be sold and they use the funds to bu a house of their own free from the memories of me renovating literally every square inch.

But the doubt and uncertainty caused by her unwillingness to just be honest is ratcheting my anxiety through the roof at the moment.
Plus it is one thing to 'know' about your exs relationship, it's another thing when it is a reality to deal with

My advice to you is this...

Fortunately and unfortunately we signed a separation agreement back in October which I read back over extremely carefully today.
The house stays with both of us until she can afford to take me off the mortgage and then my equity percentage is ring fenced against future sales. I can't force her out of the house and if I did so due to her inability to drive and lower wage it would literally be ****ing my kids over.
A hard pill to swallow but one I am willing to bare for the kids.

The good thing thing is in the separation agreement we laid out our custody arrangements and their primary address to be our joint owned home.
This document is legally binding and cannot be changed without both party's consent and is court enforceable.

This makes me feel better as it means that she can't just do this to me, but at 2.30am when the demons are whispering in your ear you don't think like that.

I used to keep a diary/blog but gave it up as being a writer I seemed to be coming up with more frequent and colourful ways to describe my depression and it felt like I was enabling it rather than helping.

Slept last night.
Feel better today and have the weekend with my kids - taking them to birthday parties and to see Santa.

[S-H]

Slept last night.
Feel better today and have the weekend with my kids - taking them to birthday parties and to see Santa.

Good stuff, dude, try to focus on the positives, if you can.

Enjoy your weekend.

[ageing hammer]

Great stuff Prawnie that is nice to hear

[PrawnSandwich]

Thanks guys.
It took a lot to get the separation agreement out of her and apart from having to wait for my payday I got everything I wanted and she can't change any of it without my say so or going to court.

Much love to you all.

[Cambs Iron]

Thanks guys.
It took a lot to get the separation agreement out of her and apart from having to wait for my payday I got everything I wanted and she can't change any of it without my say so or going to court.

Much love to you all.

Your an inspiration mate, everyone who has followed you on this thread would of taken something positive from it.

[The Old Man of Storr]

Thanks guys.
It took a lot to get the separation agreement out of her and apart from having to wait for my payday I got everything I wanted and she can't change any of it without my say so or going to court.

Much love to you all.

Ah , I wasn't aware of any agreement [ why should I be ? ] so congratulations in getting that done .

It must be crappy as hell having all these thoughts swimming through your head - i can only say ' Think of all the good times you spent with your lady because at least you had those times together - ok it didn't pan out as you thought but you still have your beautiful children and you still have your health , there are many who would swap with you ' - Make the best of your situation , mate , who knows who is waiting for you out there , it could be someone you really click with someone who will help banish those unhappy thoughts .

In the meantime you've always got here .