Joke

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hammer
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Joke

Post by hammer » Tue Apr 20, 2004 10:58 am

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the Thames.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young
sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,
you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would
give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to
America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry"

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Major
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Re: Joke

Post by Major » Tue Apr 20, 2004 11:07 am

hammer wrote:A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the Thames.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young
sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,
you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would
give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to
America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry"




Absolutley top drawer :lol:

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Bill
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Post by Bill » Tue Apr 20, 2004 11:26 am

:lol: :lol: Good stuff!

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Tue Apr 20, 2004 12:35 pm

another one:


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you
b*stards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of
you b*stards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

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BubbleBlower
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Post by BubbleBlower » Tue Apr 20, 2004 12:36 pm

:lol:

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East london sid
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Post by East london sid » Tue Apr 20, 2004 12:37 pm

hammer wrote:another one:


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you
b*stards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of
you b*stards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Di Wolfio
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Post by Di Wolfio » Tue Apr 20, 2004 12:38 pm

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with
a fish under his arm.
"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.
"Great," replies the man, nodding at
the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday.

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Tue Apr 20, 2004 1:58 pm

another one :wink:


A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all
promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from the Caribbean two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and
got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Paris a week
after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her
husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Hawaii. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another
week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it
with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways" Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar
magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad
said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."


:wink:

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Bill
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Post by Bill » Tue Apr 20, 2004 2:44 pm

A rabbit walks into a butchers and says "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "No this is a butchers we don't sell lettuce."

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any lettuce?"

Again the butcher explains that it's a butchers and doesn't sell lettuce.

Next day the rabbit walks in and says, "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "I'm sick of telling you this is a ****ing butchers. You ask again and i'll nail your ears to the wall!"

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any nails?"
The butcher says, "No." and the rabbit says,...................................................




"Got any lettuce?"

:coat:

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RichieRiv
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Post by RichieRiv » Tue Apr 20, 2004 2:50 pm

Here we go.....

Mick has been a builder for thirty years and everyday Micks wife has made him a packed lunch to take to work.

Anyway one day as normal Mick trotted off to work with his lunch box. At lunch time he opened up his lunch box and notices that there were wires and a clock handing out his sarnie.

Scared shitless he phones the Police and explains that he thinks his wife is trying to top him. The copper asked "Is is ticking?", to which Mick replied, "Nope it's not ticking, it's beef!"

Boom Boom

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Bill
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Post by Bill » Tue Apr 20, 2004 2:52 pm

RichieRiv wrote:Here we go.....

Mick has been a builder for thirty years and everyday Micks wife has made him a packed lunch to take to work.

Anyway one day as normal Mick trotted off to work with his lunch box. At lunch time he opened up his lunch box and notices that there were wires and a clock handing out his sarnie.

Scared shitless he phones the Police and explains that he thinks his wife is trying to top him. The copper asked "Is is ticking?", to which Mick replied, "Nope it's not ticking, it's beef!"

Boom Boom
:coat: :lol:

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Post by Amsterhammer » Tue Apr 20, 2004 3:00 pm

There are allegations that Victoria Beckham had an affair last
weekend with Michael Jackson. Jackson has denied this as he says
he was in Brooklyn at the time

:roll:

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Bill
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Post by Bill » Tue Apr 20, 2004 3:47 pm

Amsterhammer wrote:There are allegations that Victoria Beckham had an affair last
weekend with Michael Jackson. Jackson has denied this as he says
he was in Brooklyn at the time

:roll:
:lol: :lol: Naughty. Very naughty.

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Nap
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Post by Nap » Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:43 pm

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said,












"I think so. Provided those b*****ds from Jewson's deliver the f*cking bricks in time"

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Wed Apr 21, 2004 11:41 am

another one :wink:

A man is dying of cancer.
His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".
Answer: "So that when I die, no one will dare screw your mother."

rickster

Post by rickster » Wed Apr 21, 2004 2:41 pm

whats big red and eats bricks?














a big red brick eater :lol: :lol: :lol: :coat:

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Post by Repkabution » Wed Apr 21, 2004 3:35 pm

Bear with me, this is worth it...

John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.

After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?

The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:

"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.

Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"

"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.

(funnier when tolddrunk in the pub)

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Wed Apr 21, 2004 6:16 pm

another one :wink:



A woman in a very small Bistro calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she
asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the bar and starts to
carress his beard.

"Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But it's impossible!" the barkeeper sighs.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his
lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says, and let's first one, then two fingers slip
into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no water, nor paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's toilet!"



:wink:

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Thu Apr 22, 2004 10:45 am

another one :wink:


A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,their passions overcame them and
they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been
having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!!!"




:wink:

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Tobs
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Post by Tobs » Thu Apr 22, 2004 12:30 pm

Whats the difference between a weasel and VD?

Ones a cunning runt...

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