Joke

A selection of the very best posts and/or most memorable threads on KUMB since the current Forum launched in 2002.

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hammer
Strangely fascinated with Bonehead's arse.
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

A top aide to President Bush rushes into the oval office.

"Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news."

President Bush asks to have the bad news first.

The aide replies that at 1:00 A.M. in the morning space aliens landed in Washington D.C.

"What's the good news?" the president then asks.

The aide then says, "They know where Osama bin Laden is hiding … and they piss oil!"

:wink:
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hammer
Strangely fascinated with Bonehead's arse.
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide - it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and Telephone Jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

:wink:
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hammer
Strangely fascinated with Bonehead's arse.
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."

:wink:
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hammer
Strangely fascinated with Bonehead's arse.
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

A family is on a plane ride and the pilot says, "One of our engines died and we are too heavy, we need to throw out all the luggage our we will crash". The passengers comply.

A few minutes pass and the pilot starts speaking again, "Another engine just went out we need to start throwing some people out or we'll crash, we don't want to be racist so we'll do this in alphabetical order".

The people agree, the pilot says, "Will all the african americans please jump out of the plane". Nobody gets up.

He then says, "Will all the black people please get up and jump out of the plane". Nobody gets up.

The pilot then goes and says, "Will all the colored people please get up and jump out of the plane". Nobody gets up.

A young boy looks up to his mother and says, "Mommy, aren't we african american?"

She says, "No son, today we are niggers, we'll go after the mexicans".

:wink:
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hammer
Strangely fascinated with Bonehead's arse.
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

A man breaks into a rich widow's house.

He runs into her and yells, "Where's all your money old lady?"

She explains that she never keeps any money in the house.

He gets agitated and grabs the woman by her hands and starts to frisk her.

"I know you have money old lady. Where is it?" yells the man.

The old lady replies, "Well, if you keep ****ing me right there, I will tell you!"

:wink:
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vietnammer
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Post by vietnammer »

Bloke walks in a pub with a newt on his shoulder, here we go:

Barman: Why is that newt on your shoulder?

Bloke: He's a pet

Barman: What's his name then?

Bloke: Tiny

Barman: Why?

Bloke: Because he's my newt.
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hammer
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and Formula 1.

All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

:wink:
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hammer
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Three young female clubbers were amazed to see Alan Pardew out one night enjoying a pint.

Apparently, one young lady approached Pardew and said, "Will you give me your autograph?"

"Of course" replied Pards.

"Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt, "on my leg here".

So Alan signed, just above her knee where she pointed.

Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Alan, sign here" she promptly lifts up her top.

Pards of course being a gent duly obliges.

The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says, "Sign here" showing Alan exactly where to sign his name.

"Sorry," said Pardew "but only José Mourinho signs tw@ts!"

:wink:
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hammer
Strangely fascinated with Bonehead's arse.
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Three men in a prison in South Africa; two white, one black.

The first white guy says, ‘I’m in for six years for robbery. The judge said I was lucky. If it had been armed robbery, I would have got ten.’

The second white man says, ‘I’m in for 15 years for manslaughter. The judge said I was lucky. If it had been first degree murder, I would have got more than 20.’

The black man says, ‘I got 20 years for riding without my bicycle lights on. The judge says I was lucky. If it had been dark at the time, he would have given me life.’

:wink:
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hammer
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine.

The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.

After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch.

The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member.

In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline.

"Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

:wink:
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vladikavkaz
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Post by vladikavkaz »

Incredible story about an elephant's memory.


A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.

There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen --
thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the
rail.

The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off
the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all
the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.





Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Browndog
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Post by Browndog »

>>
> >>A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at
>the
> >>bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.
> >>The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a
> >>glass of champagne, too!"
> >>He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a
> >>special day for me, I'm celebrating."
> >>"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating,"
> >>says the woman.
> >>"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and
>he
> >>asked, "What are you celebrating?"
> >>"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my
> >>gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
> >>"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. My
> >>last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally
> >>fertile."
> >>"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
> >>fertile?"
> >>"I switched cocks," he replied.
> >>"What a coincidence," she said
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Browndog
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Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 1:06 pm

Post by Browndog »

>Living Will:
>
>Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about
>many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never
>want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids
>from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."
>
>She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
>
>Bitch...
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Browndog
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Post by Browndog »

-----Potentially and realistically!

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for moment, then answered,

"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars..............

but Realistically,......... we're living with two sluts and a queer
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hammer
Strangely fascinated with Bonehead's arse.
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.

:wink:
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York Ham(mer)
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Post by York Ham(mer) »

Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic. :|
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The Gibbins
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Post by The Gibbins »

two men were getting ready for a show, however a storm occured so the one man said "we better call off the show as theres a thunderstorm"

the other man replied "oh really, thats a shame! a monsoon!"

:coat:
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hammer
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story.

Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.

"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?".

"Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, we eventually found her. After we all screwed her, we took her home."

The young journo blanched. "I can't print that! Has anything else happened?"

The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all screwed it before we took it back home."

"Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!".

"OK - has anything around here that made you particularly sad?"

The old man looked at the ground. "Well," he said sheepishly. "I got lost, once."

:wink:
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hammer
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend.

They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms.

"No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."

A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.

"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"

"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"

:wink:
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hammer
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Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

A boy comes home from school looking sheepish. ‘Dad,’ he moans, ‘We had a class spelling contest today, and I failed on the very first word.’

‘Ah, that’s okay, son,’ says his father, looking over his glasses at him. ‘What was the word?’

The son looks even more miserable. ‘Posse,’ he replies.

His father bursts out laughing. ‘Well, no wonder you couldn’t spell it,’ he roars. ‘You can’t even pronounce it!’

:wink:
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