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Myron T Buttram
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Post by Myron T Buttram » Wed May 26, 2004 10:33 am

There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all the US state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the US state capitals."

One of the guys said "I don't believe you."

She said, "It's true. Just test me!"

"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?

"A" she answered.

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oldnwrinkley
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Post by oldnwrinkley » Wed May 26, 2004 10:57 am

Alf Garnett's Missus wrote: AND THE WINNER..
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez'ss crotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ba ll washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
:shock: :shock:
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Now that really does bring tears to the eyes ...... Headbanger

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Jedi Al Khalaas
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Post by Jedi Al Khalaas » Wed May 26, 2004 11:28 am

oldnwrinkley wrote: Now that really does bring tears to the eyes ...... Headbanger
As well as tears to the skin of his scrotum :shock:

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oldnwrinkley
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Post by oldnwrinkley » Wed May 26, 2004 2:33 pm

its the way i tel 'em .... :)

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"


i'm off ... :coat: and :doff:

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Wed May 26, 2004 2:54 pm

another one :wink:

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at Heathrow Airport; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So they do, they get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact he feels great - NO hangover! The mobile phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?"

He saids, "I feel great!!"

The buddy says, "I feel great too!!"

" You don't have a hangover?" "No! That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover! We ought to do this more often"

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing...

" "What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What??"

"Did you FART yet??"

"No...why?"

"Well don't, 'cause I'm in Inverness!!"

:wink:

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Wed May 26, 2004 3:18 pm

another one :wink:


A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around,he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

:wink:

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Post by Eggchaser » Wed May 26, 2004 4:27 pm

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts,
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid!
Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere!
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me." :)

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Wed May 26, 2004 8:39 pm

another one :wink:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together.

I come again.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." :lol:

:wink:

laughalot

Post by laughalot » Thu May 27, 2004 8:53 am

bump.... :lol:

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Thu May 27, 2004 10:22 am

another one :wink:

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.

After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate, with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.

This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

:wink:

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Thu May 27, 2004 1:41 pm

another one :wink:


A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring; "My darring, I know dis you filst time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want..What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69," she replies

He responds, "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"


:wink:

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Post by Eggchaser » Thu May 27, 2004 3:07 pm

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're all staring at a man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, but not one of them recognise him, and they are getting annoyed.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."


:coat:

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Thu May 27, 2004 3:41 pm

another one :wink:

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

:wink:

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QPRmad
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Post by QPRmad » Thu May 27, 2004 3:43 pm

hammer wrote:another one :wink:

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

:wink:
:lol: :lol:
Mate, where do you get all these you comic genius as they've been making me laugh out loud for ages.... :D

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Jedi Al Khalaas
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Post by Jedi Al Khalaas » Thu May 27, 2004 3:48 pm

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Thu May 27, 2004 3:56 pm

QPRmad wrote: :lol: :lol:
Mate, where do you get all these you comic genius as they've been making me laugh out loud for ages.... :D

if I tell you will you send me a picture of yours? :wink: :lol: :lol:

BTW where are the pics you took at dublin? we're still waiting, young lady! :wink: :lol: :lol:



ok, here's another one :wink:



A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're in Insurance. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"



:wink:

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Jedi Al Khalaas
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Post by Jedi Al Khalaas » Thu May 27, 2004 3:57 pm

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

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Jedi Al Khalaas
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Post by Jedi Al Khalaas » Thu May 27, 2004 3:58 pm

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

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Post by REDNBLUEARMY » Thu May 27, 2004 3:59 pm

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.



So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

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hammer
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Post by hammer » Thu May 27, 2004 6:13 pm

another one :wink:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde".

She says, in a confessing voice, "Yes doctor".

"I thought so," says the doctor. "Your finger is broken."

:wink:

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