whats the difference between hitler and paula radcliffe ?
at least hitler tried to finish a race..
Joke
Moderator: Gnome
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oldnwrinkley
- It's a cracker
- Posts: 1221
- Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2004 12:02 pm
- Location: appearing in a working mans club near you soon .....
Have read most of em i think so soz up front if the following has been missed and been done B4 !!
Ocean cruise liner sinks yet 3 passengers survive.
Dave ,darren,and some bint called daisy !
They all are washed up on this small island and happily live there for a good few years, and from time to time(well most of the time) do what comes naturally.
But daisy decides one day she aint up for it anymore, and feels sooooooo bad about shagging dave and darren that she decides to kill herself!
Bad news for the 2 blokes, but they get over it and decide to what comes naturally.
Until one day they too both feel they aint up for it anymore, and feel sooooooo bad about what they are doing........ so they
BURY HER !!
Ocean cruise liner sinks yet 3 passengers survive.
Dave ,darren,and some bint called daisy !
They all are washed up on this small island and happily live there for a good few years, and from time to time(well most of the time) do what comes naturally.
But daisy decides one day she aint up for it anymore, and feels sooooooo bad about shagging dave and darren that she decides to kill herself!
Bad news for the 2 blokes, but they get over it and decide to what comes naturally.
Until one day they too both feel they aint up for it anymore, and feel sooooooo bad about what they are doing........ so they
BURY HER !!
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hammerdivone
- Posts: 22276
- Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2004 1:55 pm
- Location: Somewhere between here and reality
Just dusted this one off............
Mickey Mouse goes to his Lawyer and says he wants to divorce Minnie and explains why.
A couple of days later, Minnie sees Mickey in the street and says "I've just had a letter from your lawyer saying you want to divorce me because I have buck teeth"
To which Micky replies...
"I didn't say you had buck teeth, I said you were f*cking Goofy!"
boom boom!
Mickey Mouse goes to his Lawyer and says he wants to divorce Minnie and explains why.
A couple of days later, Minnie sees Mickey in the street and says "I've just had a letter from your lawyer saying you want to divorce me because I have buck teeth"
To which Micky replies...
"I didn't say you had buck teeth, I said you were f*cking Goofy!"
boom boom!
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Rio
- Ronnie Biggs was here
- Posts: 25998
- Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2002 1:29 pm
- Location: Reykjavik comma Iceland full stop
- Has liked: 164 likes
- Total likes: 1112 likes
- Contact:
Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . .
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd
is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.
When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazzchord, a jazz chord!"
By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.
But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.
"Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:
A jazz chord..............to say, I ruv you..."
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd
is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.
When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazzchord, a jazz chord!"
By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.
But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.
"Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:
A jazz chord..............to say, I ruv you..."
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Royston: Republic d'Essex
- Shaun Ryder changed my life
- Posts: 7484
- Joined: Mon Jan 06, 2003 2:59 pm
- Location: Being told off: right in front of all the bell boys & the over-friendly concierge.
- Has liked: 8 likes
- Total likes: 6 likes
Tiger Woods is at a charity event when he gets introduced to Stevie Wonder. "I'm a big fan of yours, Stevie" begins the golfer, "I was inspired by you to take up piano lessons."
"That's very kind of you to say so," says Stevie "but I'm a bigger fan of yours. I listen to all your matches on the radio and I've even taken up golf myself."
Tiger is taken aback and says to the Motown legend, "I'm impressed but tell me, how do you find the ball? How do you know where to hit the ball to?"
Stevie smiles and rolling his head from side to side says, "I buy special balls made specially for me by Titleist that have a bell inside, and my caddie goes to the pin and whistles so I know where to aim."
Smiling, Tiger gives him a playful punch on the shoulder and says "Well, I guess I'd better watch my back in case you start taking my titles!"
Stevie takes offence and pushes Woods away - "You patronising little b*stard - I could kick your ass, that's for certain, man! I'm a fan and all, but you ain't an all-time great - who the hell do you think you are patronising me?" One of Stevie's bodyguards steps forward and restrains the singer, saying "leave it, Mr Wonder. He's not worth it."
Tiger doesn't need this ****- so he says "OK wiseass, we'll play for money then. $10million of my money against $10million of yours. How'd you like that?"
"It'll be my pleasure, sonny" says Stevie...
"Any night you want. Any night."
"That's very kind of you to say so," says Stevie "but I'm a bigger fan of yours. I listen to all your matches on the radio and I've even taken up golf myself."
Tiger is taken aback and says to the Motown legend, "I'm impressed but tell me, how do you find the ball? How do you know where to hit the ball to?"
Stevie smiles and rolling his head from side to side says, "I buy special balls made specially for me by Titleist that have a bell inside, and my caddie goes to the pin and whistles so I know where to aim."
Smiling, Tiger gives him a playful punch on the shoulder and says "Well, I guess I'd better watch my back in case you start taking my titles!"
Stevie takes offence and pushes Woods away - "You patronising little b*stard - I could kick your ass, that's for certain, man! I'm a fan and all, but you ain't an all-time great - who the hell do you think you are patronising me?" One of Stevie's bodyguards steps forward and restrains the singer, saying "leave it, Mr Wonder. He's not worth it."
Tiger doesn't need this ****- so he says "OK wiseass, we'll play for money then. $10million of my money against $10million of yours. How'd you like that?"
"It'll be my pleasure, sonny" says Stevie...
"Any night you want. Any night."
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ian-in-northampton
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2004 10:37 am
- Location: Groovy Northamptonshire...
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home, drinking a cup of coffee, when the doorbell goes. He answers it.
Outside, parked on the road, is a huge articulated lorry. In front of him is standing a little Japanese guy, holding a clipboard and pen.
"200 exhaust pipes," says the little Japanese guy. "You sign here."
"I don't know what you're talking about, and I'm not signing for them. Go away," says Mandela.
The next day, Nelson Mandela is sitting drinking a cup of coffee, when the doorbell goes again. He answers it.
Outside, parked on the road, is the same huge articulated lorry. In front of him is standing the same little Japanese guy, holding a clipboard and pen.
"150 clutch assemblies," says the little Japanese guy. "You sign here."
"I told you yesterday - I don't know what you're talking about, and I'm not signing for them. Go away now," says Mandela.
It's the day after, and Nelson Mandela is drinking another cup of coffee, when the doorbell goes once more. He answers it.
Outside, parked on the road, is the lorry - and standing on the path is the same little Japanese guy, holding a clipboard and pen.
"100 gearboxes," says the little Japanese guy. "You sign here."
"You're really starting to hack me off," says Mandela. "Why have you been here for the last three days asking me to sign for exhasut pipes, clutch assembles and gearboxes? Please will you just PISS OFF!"
And the little Japanese guy says:
"So - you not Nissan Maindealer?"
.
Outside, parked on the road, is a huge articulated lorry. In front of him is standing a little Japanese guy, holding a clipboard and pen.
"200 exhaust pipes," says the little Japanese guy. "You sign here."
"I don't know what you're talking about, and I'm not signing for them. Go away," says Mandela.
The next day, Nelson Mandela is sitting drinking a cup of coffee, when the doorbell goes again. He answers it.
Outside, parked on the road, is the same huge articulated lorry. In front of him is standing the same little Japanese guy, holding a clipboard and pen.
"150 clutch assemblies," says the little Japanese guy. "You sign here."
"I told you yesterday - I don't know what you're talking about, and I'm not signing for them. Go away now," says Mandela.
It's the day after, and Nelson Mandela is drinking another cup of coffee, when the doorbell goes once more. He answers it.
Outside, parked on the road, is the lorry - and standing on the path is the same little Japanese guy, holding a clipboard and pen.
"100 gearboxes," says the little Japanese guy. "You sign here."
"You're really starting to hack me off," says Mandela. "Why have you been here for the last three days asking me to sign for exhasut pipes, clutch assembles and gearboxes? Please will you just PISS OFF!"
And the little Japanese guy says:
"So - you not Nissan Maindealer?"
.
another one 
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches - kind of like a knife across my scalp and... "
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back.
"Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches - kind of like a knife across my scalp and... "
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back.
"Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
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norse
- Posts: 7564
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 8:41 am
- Location: cold north
- Has liked: 379 likes
- Total likes: 835 likes
A Little Boy & The Milkman
A Little Boy & The Milkman
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the
door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have
any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No". He said, "I heard all the men
talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the
girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you
must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a
restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave,
my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very
fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get
back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in
the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch
it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the b*stard who
ran over my FROG!"
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the
door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have
any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No". He said, "I heard all the men
talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the
girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you
must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a
restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave,
my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very
fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get
back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in
the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch
it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the b*stard who
ran over my FROG!"
Last edited by norse on Wed Sep 08, 2004 1:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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CheekyButcher
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2003 1:38 pm
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vladikavkaz
- Posts: 203
- Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2003 4:00 pm
- Has liked: 1 like
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vladikavkaz
- Posts: 203
- Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2003 4:00 pm
- Has liked: 1 like
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vladikavkaz
- Posts: 203
- Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2003 4:00 pm
- Has liked: 1 like
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vladikavkaz
- Posts: 203
- Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2003 4:00 pm
- Has liked: 1 like
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vladikavkaz
- Posts: 203
- Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2003 4:00 pm
- Has liked: 1 like
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It's in the blood
- Resident poet Laureate
- Posts: 4299
- Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2003 9:27 am
- Location: Waiting for the great leap forwards
Susan, a blonde, and Janet, a brunette, are walking through a zoo.
They come across the gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The two ladies are fascinated by this. Susan reaches into the cage to
touch it. The gorilla grabs her, drags her into the cage and mates with her for
six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws her out of the cage. An ambulance is called and she is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, Janet visits her friend Susan who is still in the
hospital and asks "Are you hurt?"
"Am I hurt?" She shouts, "Wouldn't you be ? He hasn't called....he hasn't written ..."
They come across the gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The two ladies are fascinated by this. Susan reaches into the cage to
touch it. The gorilla grabs her, drags her into the cage and mates with her for
six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws her out of the cage. An ambulance is called and she is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, Janet visits her friend Susan who is still in the
hospital and asks "Are you hurt?"
"Am I hurt?" She shouts, "Wouldn't you be ? He hasn't called....he hasn't written ..."
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Royston: Republic d'Essex
- Shaun Ryder changed my life
- Posts: 7484
- Joined: Mon Jan 06, 2003 2:59 pm
- Location: Being told off: right in front of all the bell boys & the over-friendly concierge.
- Has liked: 8 likes
- Total likes: 6 likes
Big Ted and Little Ted got laid off after Play School was taken off the air and so they decided to get a job. Having too much dignity to go and drive minicabs with Geoffrey from rainbow, they went about getting some manual work.
Soon they came across a sign by some roadworks saying "Help Wanted". The little bears spoke to the foreman and though he was after people with a bit more experience, he said he'd take them on if they got their own tools for digging up roads. Happily the furry chums agreed and turned up bright and early the next day for their first day at work digging up roads.
The first morning was the hardest work that either Big Ted or Little Ted had ever been made to do. When lunchtime came the pair couldn't wait to down tools and scamper off with the other navvys and get a pie and a pint.
But when they came back to the site they were shocked to find that their brand new tools - and only their tools - had been stolen by some thieving bastards.
"Mr Foreman! Mr Foreman!" said Big Ted, "Our tools have been stolen!"
"Oh ****." Said the foreman, "I meant to tell you..."
"...Today's the day that Teddy Bears get their picks nicked."
Soon they came across a sign by some roadworks saying "Help Wanted". The little bears spoke to the foreman and though he was after people with a bit more experience, he said he'd take them on if they got their own tools for digging up roads. Happily the furry chums agreed and turned up bright and early the next day for their first day at work digging up roads.
The first morning was the hardest work that either Big Ted or Little Ted had ever been made to do. When lunchtime came the pair couldn't wait to down tools and scamper off with the other navvys and get a pie and a pint.
But when they came back to the site they were shocked to find that their brand new tools - and only their tools - had been stolen by some thieving bastards.
"Mr Foreman! Mr Foreman!" said Big Ted, "Our tools have been stolen!"
"Oh ****." Said the foreman, "I meant to tell you..."
"...Today's the day that Teddy Bears get their picks nicked."
