Joke

[oldnwrinkley]

I'm with you hammer .. lets laugh... :lol:


A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.






''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

give me time ....

[hammer]

another one


Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

[oldnwrinkley]

its the way i tell 'em ..

A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead."

....

[hammer]

another one



Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.

The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back".

The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception".

The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

[hammer]

another one


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

ESCORT AGENCY

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

SERVES YOU RIGHT!

[oldnwrinkley]

Its the way i tell 'em .... :lol:


A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
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Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

cheque please .... :roll:

[hammer]

another one



A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

[Jedi Al Khalaas]

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[hammer]

another one


Three old friends passed away together in an accident and went to heaven. When they arrived, St. Peter said, "We have only one rule here in Heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they entered heaven and, sure enough, there were ducks all over the pace. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally stepped on one. Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second friend accidentally stepped on a duck and along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend.

The third friend observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very, VERY careful where he stepped. He managed to go months without stepping on any ducks but one day St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.


The man asked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The woman replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[hammer]

another one



If you are soon to be travelling in Germany, it might be a good idea to learn off a few useful phrases just in case you need an automobile repair while you are over there.


INDICATORS - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken ( or Die Onnenoffen Tickentocken )

SPEEDOMETER - Der Egobooster

PUNCTURE - Die Phlatte mit Bludyfukken

LEARNER - Die Twaten mit Elplatt

ESTATE CAR - Die Bagsromm fur Kinderinauto

WINDSCREEN WIPER - Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden

FOOTBRAKE- Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik

BREATHALYSER - Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen

SEATBELT - Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper

HEADLIGHTS - Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud

FOG WARNING - Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit

HIGHWAY CODE - Der Wipen fur Arsen

TYRES - Phlattfarts

TRAFFIC JAM - Der Bluddinfukkin damnundblasten

BACKFIRE - Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fukkenjumpen

JUGGERNAUT - Der Fukkengret trucken

ACCIDENT - Der Bleedinmess

NEAR ACCIDENT - Der Fukken neer schittenselfen

CYCLIST - Pedalpushen pilloken

REAR VIEW MIRROR - Der Yokhunter TooKlosen

[delbert]

infant school teacher couldn't be arsed with the last lesson of the day so sets a little quiz " I'll ask you a question about what you did in your last break and if you get it right you can go back out to the playground for the rest of the day" she said.

So she looks at the class of little innocent 8 year old faces and picks 1 at random
" right, Jenny what did you do during your last break ? " she asks.
" i played in the sand pit with johnny" Jenny replies.
" spell sand for me and you can go out to play"
" S A N D she says"
"well done off you go" says teacher then asks johnny what he did.
" i played in the sand pit with jenny " he repied
" spell pit for me and you can go back out to play" the teacher says.
" P I T " replies johnny.
"very good " says teacher" off you go, right now Winston what did you do during your last break ? "
" well i wanted to play in the sand pit with jenny and johnny miss but they told me to go away because i is black and they didn't want their mobile phones to go missing "
" thats outrageous " says the teacher " thats discrimination that is, tell you what spell discrimination for me and you can go out to play "

[oldnwrinkley]

its the way i tell 'em ... :lol:

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
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Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!

Ok Ok i know .....

[oldnwrinkley]

got this one couldn't resist .... :lol:

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:



Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


well i thought it was funny .....

[BubbleBoy]

some more

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

[BubbleBoy]

A few more bad jokes :lol: :lol:

"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambing!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'
"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'
"I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."
"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"

"I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said:
'Put it back'
"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! "
"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"

"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

"I once saw a bunch of Swedish people playing the digeridoo. I thought: 'That's ABBAoriginal' "

"So I was half way up this mountain, and I met this bloke who started
having a go at me. I said to him 'Whats your problem?' and he said
'I dont like like your altitude!' "

"So I went into the airport, and went 'Bck-erk Bck-erk!' - and the woman said,
'Sorry - this is the Check-in Desk.' "
"So I was having a meal with World Chess Champion Gary Kasparov in a restaurant - it took him two and a half hours to pass the salt... After the meal he called me a pepper-pot. I took it as a condiment.

"So I bumped into Robin Hood yesterday, and asked im where he kept his arrows. He said 'In a quiver'. So I went [Quivering] 'Where do you keep your arrows?' "

[hammer]

another one


A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.

The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

[oldnwrinkley]

Hammer, I think we are having a bad effect on people they think that life is one big joke...thread ..... :lol: keep it up .... :!:

next .... :lol:

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[hammer]

another one


Qantas Airlines after every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Jedi Al Khalaas]

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

[hammer]

another one


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."