The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[vietnammer]

The person who invented autocorrect has passed away. May they roast in piss.

(stolen from Cuenca)

[Dover KUMB fan]

I went into the NatWest earlier, & the cashier burst into a rendition of 'Downtown'
I thought 'What a Peculiar clerk'

[Westcliffspur]

My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?" I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Pete, I'm already on my 4th can of lager." "I don't ****ing believe you!" He shouted. "Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Pete, isn't this my 4th can?"

[Sauce!]

I phoned the incontinence clinic emergency helpline today.

"Where are you ringing from?"

“The waist down".

[uptonparkhurst]

Apparently a typo has been found in the Irish version of the King James Bible (GENESIS 6)

ENGLISH VERSION
Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he

IRISH VERSION
Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so he did

[ageing hammer]

[r99c]

Don't wear Ukrainian boxers.

Chernobyl fallout!

[Samba]

PC World – you’ve got to be careful what you say in there.

[Hammer.CA]

So R I P boiling water,
You will be mist.

[Hammer.CA]

Swiss archaeologists have discovered that William Tell and his son used to play in a bowling league but historians have been unable to determine the names of any of the teams.
So we will never get to know for whom the Tells bowled.

[uptonparkhurst]

Swiss archaeologists have discovered that William Tell and his son used to play in a bowling league but historians have been unable to determine the names of any of the teams.
So we will never get to know for whom the Tells bowled.

:lol:

[Westcliffspur]

Royal Scott Crystal are commissioning a commemorative statue of Anthony Joshua celebrating his first fight in the USA.

It's very authentic - the statue is made out of the same glass as his chin.

[Westcliffspur]

I think the elderly man next door is obsessed with Beatles songs.
Every time I walk past I hear him shouting "Help!"

[psychoscoredthelot]

My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?" I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Pete, I'm already on my 4th can of lager." "I don't ****ing believe you!" He shouted. "Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Pete, isn't this my 4th can?"

[don't burst my bubble]

Royal Scott Crystal are commissioning a commemorative statue of Anthony Joshua celebrating his first fight in the USA.

It's very authentic - the statue is made out of the same glass as his chin.

Did you make that up ?

[Dover KUMB fan]

I think the elderly man next door is obsessed with Beatles songs.
Every time I walk past I hear him shouting "Help!"

I laughed loudly at that. I’m such a bad person

[Westcliffspur]

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, "Super pussy!" The old man says, "I'll have the soup!

[Sauce!]

All of Jack Dee’s children are bright, but Ellie is the brightest.

[S-H]

All of Jack Dee’s children are bright, but Ellie is the brightest.

Nicking that one.

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Did you hear about the two bedbugs that are engaged?

They're getting married in the spring. . .