The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I was in work one day doing a crossword, a smart ass kept looking over my shoulder and shouting out the answers.

I was rightly pissed off so the next day I was sitting there doing the same thing and when he was passing by I told him I was just stuck for one word.

He asked me what was the cryptic clue.

I told him it was a postman's delivery route.

He then asked "how many letters."

I smiled and said " Thousands " :scarfer:
User avatar
Samba
Posts: 21811
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
Has liked: 2484 likes
Total likes: 895 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

"My girlfriend's just been told that she's got to go to somewhere in the northwest extremity of the United States West Coast, just across the Bering Strait from Asia."

"Does she know where, exactly?"

"I don't know, Alaska".




I'll get me coat :oops:
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Once I was stuck on a crossword clue for two weeks.

The answer was "fortnight" :oops:
User avatar
-DL-
Bag Man
Posts: 30097
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
Has liked: 837 likes
Total likes: 4952 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

Absolutely shocked. Clearing out my 12 year old's bedroom and found a load of BDSM gear and porn under his bed. The wife asked me how we're going to deal with it.

I had to say to her that I'm not sure spanking him would be the best idea...
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

A recent report said that one in four women is either on antidepressant or antipsychotic medication.

That is a disgraceful statistic. Three quarters of the female population are not getting the treatment they so desperately need.
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

:lol:
User avatar
Barking Boy
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2007 12:42 pm
Location: Oxford
Total likes: 1 like

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Barking Boy »

Sauce! wrote: Thu Sep 19, 2019 5:20 pm 2 across: Jesus was nailed to this (5)
:lol: that's the best one.
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
Posts: 19295
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
Has liked: 338 likes
Total likes: 728 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I was in a Scottish pub last week, also doing a crossword. I got stuck on “stranded on a desert island”. Eight letters. I had the first two letters “MA”. When a local Scotsman said “marooned” six people asked for a pint of lager.




I was in a taxi today and the driver said,

"I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left here!"
lewisham-mer
Posts: 1716
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 9:21 am
Location: Um...Lewisham...
Has liked: 4 likes
Total likes: 34 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

My friend David has his ID stolen

Now he’s just Dav
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

My wife said that if I don't stop reading KUMB on the computer she was going to slam my head into the keyba587967,0953jgy6rw[r4kl5r4gtf5df4r
User avatar
Jennings
Posts: 952
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:34 pm
Has liked: 35 likes
Total likes: 243 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Jennings »

The Old Man of Storr wrote: Tue Sep 17, 2019 12:44 pm Scotsman walks into the same Bakery five minutes later ...

' Is that an Apple Pie or a Meringue ? '

' It's an Apple Pie ' .
I always thought the punchline was more something along the lines of “no, you were right the first time”
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
Posts: 19295
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
Has liked: 338 likes
Total likes: 728 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

The patron saint of copying people in on an email is ....

St. Francis of a CC
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

The patron saint of childrens’ playground equipment is St Francis of a see-saw.
User avatar
pablo jaye
Posts: 11225
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
Location: Somewhere massive!
Has liked: 2563 likes
Total likes: 925 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

The patron saint of looking out to the ocean is St Francis of I See Sea
Online
User avatar
Tenbury
Posts: 9265
Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:28 pm
Location: Too near Kidderminster
Has liked: 721 likes
Total likes: 1208 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tenbury »

We have a new patron saint of this thread:

St.Francis of Asinine.
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
Posts: 3242
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
Total likes: 42 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I ate 50 Kinder eggs last night.
Who says I'm not full of surprises?
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

The patron saint of drunken Scotsmen is St Francis of Ahseeyoujimmy.
User avatar
Suffolk Iron
Posts: 616
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:03 pm
Has liked: 123 likes
Total likes: 39 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Suffolk Iron »

All those waiting for the yodelling class to start, Please form
an orderly orderly orderly queue!
User avatar
Monkeybubbles
Posts: 13801
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
Has liked: 485 likes
Total likes: 1955 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

Suffolk Iron wrote: Sun Sep 29, 2019 12:44 pm All those waiting for the yodelling class to start, Please form
an orderly orderly orderly queue!

April 18th 2017:
chelmsfordhammer91 wrote: Tue Apr 18, 2017 10:44 pm If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
I hate my life.
User avatar
chelmsfordhammer91
Posts: 2954
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2015 4:59 pm
Location: Broomfield, Chelmsford
Has liked: 867 likes
Total likes: 569 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by chelmsfordhammer91 »

:thup:
Post Reply