Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.
mushy wrote: ↑Sun Oct 27, 2019 12:08 pm
Faithless, these are great posts, and spot on in my view.
Can I ask if you have had professional training in Mental Health issues at any stage?
It certainty comes across that way.
Mushy, no I haven't had any professional training, so anything I say should be taken with that in mind. Before my health issues, in my past life of managing teams I always saw it as important to know what makes someone tick and that has included what going on underneath in some cases. The most rewarding part of managing for me was helping someone else succeed, whatever succeed meant for that person.
I've always viewed psychology as basically being the art of good conversation. I'm almost the converse of what Puff was saying in that I just kind of do understand it and find empathising to come naturally.
I am in no way suggesting I am infallible or immune from these issues and have had to deal with depression at times myself.
I've always viewed psychology as basically being the art of good conversation. I'm almost the converse of what Puff was saying in that I just kind of do understand it and find empathising to come naturally.
I get that entirely. I have mentioned the joys of empathy on this forum before.
A sad and tragic tale here. I got married 19 years ago next week.Lovely girl who went on to be a fantastic wife,and then mother to our two boys.Over time though something wasn't right. She would come out with some of the most random threats, Accusations of being bullied in work,people trying to get her out.
She would apply for other jobs, get them, but once she was told she had been successful, she wouldn't take up the offer.This happened a few times.She would also get upset and say that's it i'm not coming home.I am going to the woods to hang myself. Said so many times it became normal vocabulary in the house.I called it attention seeking.
Without going on too much, in 2010 i found out she was having an affair,with none other than my Brother. Time passed,and in the end she left me with my two Sons to bring up.
5 years on since she left.I got a call 3 weeks ago tomorrow from her work, concerned she hadn't turned up that day.Her landlady was concerned as her car was still on the drive.Police were called, and she was found hanging in local woods.
As my boys are next of kin, yet only 12 and 18 years of age.I had been asked to take over all arrangements.Last week we had the cremation I arranged it all. I had to empty her room in the place she shared. In that room were photo albums titled My Family. Inside there were pics of the boys, Her Mum and dad.The Dog. Then my Brother. In 10 years of marriage the only trace in her life of me was a pair of West Ham cufflinks i wore on our wedding day.
I have all the paperwork, banks, pensions,store cards, return a lease car.So much to do. Only 45 a tragic waste, and the boys without their mother.
Good Evening Kumbers. Firstly i would like to apologise to you all for not updating you on my situation,as mentioned above but will try to now as best i can. Sorry for lengthy post.
Well after all the above, i began moving forward with arranging my ex wife's funeral. It all went ok ,as far as funerals go.My brother whom my ex wife had an affair with,and was still seeing her,attended and was in bits. I stood at the front of the Crem, alongside my two Sons . as the Rev read out a story i had written about her with full respect.
After the funeral i spoke to my brother,and told him he must move on for the sake of his two children, just like i had to when my ex wife left me.I left it by shaking his hand.He did not attend the wake.
25 days after my ex wife's Cremation, i recieved a phone call from my Mother.Crying and screaming.Could i go to her house,some 10 mins from mine.Chris,come quick ,it's your Brother.I raced down to find my Brother hanging from the loft .I cut him down, he fell on top of me.I called the emergency services,tried recuss, but at a guess,he had been dead for 2 hrs at least.The Police and Paramedics arrived.Nothing they could do.The next few days were comforting my Mum, but in the meantime i had been recieving msgs from a woman whom i had never met,asking to meet up with me,She was heartbroken after hearing about my Brother. I agreed to meet her as she told me she wanted to tell me something important.
I still had a lot of anger in me from what my brother did,especially in my Mum's house.Knowing she would walk in and see him.
Anyway,as i was walking to meet this woman.I took a call. It was from the Coroner,confirming the cause of death as hanging,but they had also found traces of kidney and liver cancer.
I met this woman,and the story unfolded. Firstly this woman was someone my brother had been giving lifts to work.It became apparant he had come across some of the behaviour and issues i had experienced with my ex wife. He had tried to end his relationship with her but she had told him she would end her life if he left.He had become unhappy, and was seeing this woman.
She also told me,last October, my brother had been diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. He refused any treatment,but was warned without it he would be dead in 12 months.He told none of his family, no one else but this woman who he told her to swear not to say anything. She told me of his days in pain,the hospital visits,the painkillers he took. I now believe the cancer had spread from his prostate to his kidneys and liver,and was now creeping into his bones.The pain got too much for him,so he ended his life.
As the days passed, my anger turned to pity, and a feeling of i wish he had told me.his brother.I would have supported him,and been there. We sadly laid him to rest on the 9th August.
So as you can see, 2 suicides in 4 weeks. A lot to take. My boys are moving forward, getting counselling, and lots of support and help. Doctors,Police and friends can't believe how i have handled all this,but i have remained strong.Where this strength has come from i don't know. I have my brother's inquest in Dec. and as my ex wife's inquest is in another county,and they appear to be a bit slow it is not until 18th feb next year I continue to sort out my ex wife's finances and other paperwork.
Thanks for reading this. Chris aka Sliema 1990
Chris,
Mate, you need to look after yourself, you really do.
Please seek help, this has been a great place to start but you will undoubtedly at some stage need to talk and unload, preferably to a professional.
Take care.
mushy wrote: ↑Sun Oct 27, 2019 8:42 pm
Chris,
Mate, you need to look after yourself, you really do.
Please seek help, this has been a great place to start but you will undoubtedly at some stage need to talk and unload, preferably to a professional.
Take care.
Thank you mate.Your advice is much appreciated. I have talked to so many people.Teachers at the school i work at.Best mates.As mentioned Doctors and Police. My feeling is i have to be strong for my boys.What more can i say to a Professional. As i see it myself,i have a choice.Feel sorry for myself,and end up neglecting my kids,or i continue to be strong,try to keep my Home as normal as possible.My boys have handled things very well all considered. I was called in to my 12 year old's Academic Mentoring on Friday, to be told he has a Gold award.His work in all subjects is of a very high standard.He works so hard.
My other Son who has just turned 18 in June won most improved student at his College. I am amazed how we have all pulled together. Yes we have disagreements like anyone,but we are a team. Belive it or not,i got them a dog as well.They love the responsability of walking him and doing the jobs.
Once again thanks mate.
Quite a year you've had, Chris. Not one you would have ever chosen, of course.
Thanks to that woman contacting you, she has really filled in so many of the missing jigsaw pieces for you.
At your ex's funeral, you were so good with your brother, as well.
You sound like you & the boys are doing so well & that is genuinely good to hear. It may be that the three of you have all processed it all so well & supported each other so well, that is why you are where you are today. People on here, naturally worry about how you're coping but you do seem to be on top of it all.
I'm sure you will recognise if you or your sons are not coping with any of it & would seek further help then.
As you said, you really grieved for your ex, five years ago. You knew she was quite deeply troubled by the sounds of it but you also know that now she is not suffering anymore.
Likewise your brother. More than likely (it sounding so advanced), he was going to die from what he was suffering from & he was suffering. He is also, not suffering anymore. I hope his two children (& your mum) are getting help to come to terms with what happened.
It's still sad but they were adults & they were allowed to make those choices. I hope they can both now, rest in peace.
Keep posting, whenever you need to mate.
Although I'm in awe of you, I will have the temerity to suggest something if I may.
Although you're clearly spending all your efforts (successfully) pushing your family forward, you may,one day, need support yourself.I see you've questioned how they could help you, and maybe right now they can't, but ,if you can, keep an open mind, they always are there as a backstop, even years later.
Best Wishes.
Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I really do appreciate them, and i take on board all of your advice.
Despite the tragic events of this year, i consider myself to be very fortunate.Firstly i have some great friends. They never put any pressure on me to talk, but are there if need be. Sometimes i just want it to be me and the boys, so they leave me to get on with things,which again i appreciate not being put under pressure to go out.
I have a fantastic boss who is also become a good friend.The office door is always open, and i notice in a discreet sort of way, there are leaflets and info put up regarding help and support groups if needed.
This week, my eldest wants to visit his mum's grave for the first time.So i take him. It is another process for him to take in.The youngest isn't ready yet,and it is good he can tell me this.
Thank you once again to you all. I have the upmost respect to you all .Just for being there.It really helps.
I can't even begin to imagine how you've coped , Chris especially with two young children in tow - I guess we all have to keep going and you've done just that remarkably well .
Sliema1990 wrote: ↑Mon Oct 28, 2019 7:28 am
Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I really do appreciate them, and i take on board all of your advice.
Despite the tragic events of this year, i consider myself to be very fortunate.Firstly i have some great friends. They never put any pressure on me to talk, but are there if need be. Sometimes i just want it to be me and the boys, so they leave me to get on with things,which again i appreciate not being put under pressure to go out.
I have a fantastic boss who is also become a good friend.The office door is always open, and i notice in a discreet sort of way, there are leaflets and info put up regarding help and support groups if needed.
This week, my eldest wants to visit his mum's grave for the first time.So i take him. It is another process for him to take in.The youngest isn't ready yet,and it is good he can tell me this.
Thank you once again to you all. I have the upmost respect to you all .Just for being there.It really helps.
Chris
Sounds like you have a good support net, Chris. That's great to hear.
Faithless wrote: ↑Sun Oct 27, 2019 11:36 am
TD I've not read through the whole thread so I don't know if this has been suggested, but Mindfulness is a very simple process that can have rather dramatic effects on improving mental and emotional well being. Could be worth a try.
It does seem very popular but I don't know the first thing about it , my wife was trying to sign up to a course here in Elgin to try to help our boy as much as she can but hasn't heard back - I'm guessing it's full .
The Old Man of Storr wrote: ↑Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:15 am
It does seem very popular but I don't know the first thing about it , my wife was trying to sign up to a course here in Elgin to try to help our boy as much as she can but hasn't heard back - I'm guessing it's full .
I tried it once. Couldn't really get the hang of it. It just stressed me out & got me angry.
I'm not sure it should do that..
Funniest thing was when my mum called it, mindlessness..
Tenbury wrote: ↑Mon Oct 28, 2019 5:59 am
Chris, you are remarkable.
Although I'm in awe of you, I will have the temerity to suggest something if I may.
Although you're clearly spending all your efforts (successfully) pushing your family forward, you may,one day, need support yourself.I see you've questioned how they could help you, and maybe right now they can't, but ,if you can, keep an open mind, they always are there as a backstop, even years later.
Best Wishes.
I'd just like to echo this. The way you've handled things has been extraordinary. Right now you're doing everything in your power to keep things together for your boys and family in general. There will most likely come a time where you will have less to deal with, which oddly may be the time you need to be most aware of your own needs and the support that others can give.
The Old Man of Storr wrote: ↑Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:15 am
It does seem very popular but I don't know the first thing about it , my wife was trying to sign up to a course here in Elgin to try to help our boy as much as she can but hasn't heard back - I'm guessing it's full .
TOMoS It's effectively just focusing on your breathing and trying to empty your mind of thoughts, I found Allen Carr's "The easy way to mindfulness" quite straightforward as a start point. There are also a number of guided sessions on YouTube etc Obviously a professional course would probably be a better scenario but at least these would give you an insight into whether you thought it was worth pursuing.
Samba wrote: ↑Mon Oct 28, 2019 6:44 pm
I tried it once. Couldn't really get the hang of it. It just stressed me out & got me angry.
I'm not sure it should do that..
Funniest thing was when my mum called it, mindlessness..
That's a shame, not everything works for everyone though. I've noticed that some people get frustrated with it as they try to get it "right" as it were which isn't the aim of the process. Oddly though the overall aim kinda is mindlessness
On mindfulness, your mind will naturally drift onto thoughts. The idea is that once you are aware of this, you just bring your focus back onto your breathing etc.
When I have tried it I found that my mind wandered but not onto anything which was overtly negative; more thoughts about what to eat and other similarly banal thoughts. Even though my mind did wander for large portions, I found that by drifting to these thoughts didn't do me any harm and I was sleepy by the end of it. It obviously showed I was relaxed I guess so I can't say it was not beneficial I suppose.
