The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[swisstony]

What do lions at the zoo get for lunch?

45 minutes, same as the elephants

[sussexhammer74]

I've just invented a telepathic air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it...

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Why is that book so thick?

It's a long story...

[Hammer.CA]

A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray and every weekday a man comes out of the station each morning and puts 20p on the tray but never takes the matches.
One morning he drops 20p on the tray as usual and as he walks away the blind man shouts "Excuse me, are you the gentleman man that always puts 20p on my tray but doesn't take any matches?”
The man said "Yes, that's me".

The blind man said, "I think you should know that they’ve gone up to 30p”

[JLCABA]

The latest people to threaten strike action are Dentists…apparently
.. Brace yourselves

[ageing hammer]

I just asked the woman in the book shop if Prince Harry's book is available to download.

She said " Do you want the PDF file "

I said " No, that's his uncle "

[Hammer.CA]

How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to change the bulb and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

[ageing hammer]

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to top herself?

She locked herself into her garage with the car running.





After three days the batteries ran out..........................

[Hammer.CA]

The wife and I have joined a swingers club, we all meet up in our local library.
I can’t say too much, it’s all a bit hush hush.

[rudekid]

My wife and I are into S&M. She sleeps and I masturbate.

[Dover KUMB fan]

I was delighted when the missus finally agreed to a bit of back door boogie
Kinda killed the moment when I called her Trevor.

[Hammer.CA]

Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage”

[Monkeybubbles]

I was delighted when the missus finally agreed to a bit of back door boogie
Kinda killed the moment when I called her Trevor.

Eh?

[Samba]

Eh?

Her name isn't Trevor..

[Arnold Layne]

That’s clever.

[sword]

I was delighted when the missus finally agreed to a bit of back door boogie
Kinda killed the moment when I called her Trevor.

Sorry, nope.

[vietnammer]

However

[WestSamToo]

I was delighted when the missus finally agreed to a bit of back door boogie
Kinda killed the moment when I called her Trevor.

....is his wife....Ian Bishop?

[Hammer.CA]

My dyslexic club had a day out to visit a Maritime museum.
Half of us loved it, the other half hated it.

[Hammer.CA]

“I’m sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers in here”

A time traveller walks into a bar.