The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Hammer.CA]

I can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago, it only seems like yesterday.

[hammer etc]

I bought Insect Farm Simulator on early release. I wish I'd waited, it's so full of bugs.

[Dover KUMB fan]

I asked my mate why he was wearing a baseball cap made out of Bread.
He said "Doctors orders, He insisted I went on a loaf hat diet"

[Hammer.CA]

Duck billed platypus.

Platypus paid duck.

[Shabu]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

Then the Librarian shouted "Get that thing out of there"

[Alan Pardew's Dad]

Every day, without fail, I go from house to house telling people about the benefits of exercise.

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness because I do it religiously.

[ageing hammer]

I took a job as a postman recently...........I thought to myself that it was better than walking the streets.

[Hammer.CA]

My mate Iain went to the opticians the other day.
He was surprised to discover he has one eye bigger than the other.

[BalaamBoy]

My mate Iain went to the opticians the other day.
He was surprised to discover he has one eye bigger than the other.

I know this problem all too well.

And yet you'd be surprised how many people think my big eye is an 'L' - I mean, who (apart from neil out of the Young Ones) spells their name without a capital letter at the beginning?

[Dieter Eckstein]

I’m in a dispute with my neighbour over who owns the concrete patio behind our flats. It’s a bit of a grey area

[Oldun]

What do you call a magician who can’t do magic anymore ?

Ian .

[pablo jaye]

I asked a married woman for a date once, but she said no because I have a face like the back a boat. I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look.

[ageing hammer]

I asked a married woman for a date once, but she said no because I have a face like the back a boat. I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look.

Did she deck you or give you a broadside

[djbubbles]

Irish courtroom

Mick, you are charged with beating your wife to death with a claw hammer. Theres a shout from Paddy at the back of the courtroom ' b*stard'.
Mick you are also charged with beating your mother in law with a claw hammer. Paddy shouts out ' YA ****ing b*stard'.
Judge to Paddy. Another word out of you and i'll charge you with contempt of court. What is your problem?
Paddy Im his next door neighbour and ive called several times to him asking to borrow his hammer, but he kept saying he hasnt got one

[IABATAC]

Did she deck you or give you a broadside

Take a......wait for it, wait for it.....bow.

[ageing hammer]

Take a......wait for it, wait for it.....bow.

I bet she took the wind out of your sails

[Shabu]

I bet she took the wind out of your sails

He's a wreck now

[IABATAC]

I bet she took the wind out of your sails

I feel like I've been to hull and back.

[ageing hammer]

All the above are better than some of the jokes

[Monkeybubbles]

Proper one liners