The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- Dieter Eckstein
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I met a beautiful woman the other day whose limbs were fixed to her body with glue. She honestly could have been a model.
- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Loving all these nautical puns. This forum never ceases to entertain.
Gawd bless the snug & all that sail in her
Gawd bless the snug & all that sail in her
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Dover KUMB fan wrote: ↑Fri Mar 31, 2023 9:33 am Loving all these nautical puns. This forum never ceases to entertain.
Gawd bless the snug & all that sail in her
Let's hope nobody rocks the......no, even I'm not doing that one!
- The Old Man of Storr
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I went to the Doctor yesterday and asked her ' Have you got anything that'll make me look younger ? '.
' Yeah , Boat-Ox ' .
' Yeah , Boat-Ox ' .
- ageing hammer
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- OFT
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- ageing hammer
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- pablo jaye
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
If you think the boat puns have been bad in the main, brace yourself for even worse to come!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Peter had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible...
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month... Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."
"Great", says Peter, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you...!"
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."
"Not a problem," says Peter. "After twenty five years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex too."
"Now that's really not a problem!" says Peter, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible...
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month... Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."
"Great", says Peter, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you...!"
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."
"Not a problem," says Peter. "After twenty five years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex too."
"Now that's really not a problem!" says Peter, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Elderly couple go to the doctors
Nurse to elderly man "the doctor would like a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample"
Elderly man to wife "what did she say?"
Wife "They want your underwear"
Nurse to elderly man "the doctor would like a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample"
Elderly man to wife "what did she say?"
Wife "They want your underwear"
- hammer etc
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Went in to a restaurant today, I asked the waitress "can I see the menu please?"
My "sex life is none of your business" came her reply.
My "sex life is none of your business" came her reply.
- Toulouse_Iron
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- Alan Pardew's Dad
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub, but it takes 1 hour to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
The difference is staggering.
- ageing hammer
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- Shabu
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I had to repeat this over & over until I got ithammer etc wrote: ↑Mon Apr 03, 2023 11:31 pm Went in to a restaurant today, I asked the waitress "can I see the menu please?"
My "sex life is none of your business" came her reply.
- Uptonogood247
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Jonny walks in the bedroom and sees his mum handcuffed to the bed and his dad doing mum from behind....Jonny runs off screaming. Dad uncuffs mum, gets dressed and goes to console Jonny. As he walks past the spare room he hears moaning so opens the door. He sees granny cuffed to the bed with Jonny doing granny from behind. Dad screams....Jonny says..not so nice when its your mum is it..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
'Elephino
'Elephino
Online
- Coops
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
"I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle."
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
"I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'