The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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szola
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by szola »

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day

Breakfast
Breakfurious
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

My annual invite to next months "Jeremy Beadle Anniversary Wake" arrived this morning.

I had hoped that after 14 years we'd get a silver service luncheon thrown in, but no, yet again its another small finger buffet...........





ps: Agent Monkeybubbles - yes, I know its been up before, but they were both by me.... and the wake anniversary period has moved on a few years.... so its sort of new :winker: ...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

Djokovic is unlucky in the extreme. Out of the Australian Open and only missed 2 shots.

Or :

Confusion in the Djokovic camp:
Rules state that ‘no-one can compete without double vaccination’.
They read it as ‘No. 1 can compete without double vaccination’.

Take your pick… :mask:
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duncanio
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by duncanio »

Cleaning windows? That's a job I could see myself doing.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Nelson was 5’4” tall.
His statue in London is 16 feet tall.
That’s Horatio of 3:1
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

pablo jaye wrote: Tue Jan 11, 2022 7:14 am Nelson was 5’4” tall.
His statue in London is 16 feet tall.
That’s Horatio of 3:1
:lol: ...but Monkeybubbs I'm afraid
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

For sale:

George Foreman Grill

Muhammad Ali DVD's.

Both boxed.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

pablo jaye wrote: Tue Jan 11, 2022 7:14 am Nelson was 5’4” tall.
His statue in London is 16 feet tall.
That’s Horatio of 3:1
Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote: Tue Jan 11, 2022 8:57 pm For sale:

George Foreman Grill

Muhammad Ali DVD's.

Both boxed.
See what happens?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Cockneyboy311 »

Bamber Gascoigne wrote: Fri Jan 07, 2022 11:58 pm My annual invite to next months "Jeremy Beadle Anniversary Wake" arrived this morning.

I had hoped that after 14 years we'd get a silver service luncheon thrown in, but no, yet again its another small finger buffet...........





ps: Agent Monkeybubbles - yes, I know its been up before, but they were both by me.... and the wake anniversary period has moved on a few years.... so its sort of new :winker: ...
I enjoyed this tremendously.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by North Devon Hammer 2 »

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw the house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but on the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Did you know that Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I phoned an agency looking for a personal trainer and they said they would send someone round. I thought somebody of that shape and build isn't a very good advert for a personal trainer.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

Djokovic being deported from Australia.
Does that count as a return of Serb?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I don’t sniff glue but I do have a quick snort of WD40 every now and then just to loosen me up a bit.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Mick Jagger is driving down a country road, he sees Kate Moss trying to thumb a lift.
But unfortunately he can't pick her up.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Plashet Grove Pete »

Hammer.CA wrote: Sun Jan 23, 2022 3:15 pm Mick Jagger is driving down a country road, he sees Kate Moss trying to thumb a lift.
But unfortunately he can't pick her up.
Can someone enlighten me?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by badabing »

Plashet Grove Pete wrote: Sun Jan 23, 2022 6:14 pm Can someone enlighten me?
A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Hammer.CA wrote: Sun Jan 23, 2022 3:15 pm Mick Jagger is driving down a country road, he sees Kate Moss trying to thumb a lift.
But unfortunately he can't pick her up.
:grin:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Plashet Grove Pete »

badabing wrote: Sun Jan 23, 2022 6:51 pm A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss?
Oh good grief...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow that decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a farmyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him!

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the shitt is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shitt, keep your gob shut!
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