The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A six year old boy was in a courtroom yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who shold have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially had awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy surprised everyone when he said that his aunt beat him just as much as his parents.

When the judge suggested he live with his grandparents the boy said they also beat him.

The horrified judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who has custody of him.

The judge granted temporary custody to Manchester United who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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hammer etc
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer etc »

^^^^^ :crylol: :crylol: :crylol: ^^^^^

A kid comes to school and his best mate can see he has a new watch on. So he asked him how he got it. After pestering him the kid tells his mate that his dad bought it for him after he came home early and caught his parents having s*x in the afternoon. A bribe for him to keep quiet. Anyway a few weeks later the other kid comes home and hears the bedsprings going upstairs in his parents bedroom. So he creeps up the creaky stairs and as he gets to the top his dad shots out, "who's there"? The kid says "Its me, I want a watch." His dad replies " come on in and close the door."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

My nickname at school was scarface.

I was brilliant at knitting.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I was recently in a Roman hospital getting an IV.
I asked the nurse “What’s that for?”
“Correct”, she said.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by 'Appy 'Ammer »

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

When asked to describe myself in 3 words, I said "not very good at maths"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

ageing hammer wrote: Fri Aug 19, 2022 7:28 pm A six year old boy was in a courtroom yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who shold have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially had awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy surprised everyone when he said that his aunt beat him just as much as his parents.

When the judge suggested he live with his grandparents the boy said they also beat him.

The horrified judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who has custody of him.

The judge granted temporary custody to Manchester United who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
That joke's not funny anymore...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he sees two lines.

The first line has a sign that says "Henpecked Husbands." The line is full of an endless queue of men that stretches far out of site.

The sign above the second line says, "Non-Henpecked Husbands." This line is empty, aside from a single scrawny man who was just entering it.

The recently deceased man approaches the single occupant of the second line and taps him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," he says, "but can I ask why you're the only man in this line?"

The man in the line frowns defensively and says, "My wife told me to stand here."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

I joined a Carpenter's class the other day.

We haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

My wife really knows how to show me a good time.

She often points at people and says, "Look, they're having a good time."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I’ve just thrown been thrown out of the staff room of my local Tesco’s, a manager asked me what I was doing there?
I told them I was on a break, they said: “You don’t work here”
I said: “I’ve just finished using the self service till, so clearly I do!”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by IABATAC »

S-H wrote: Tue Aug 23, 2022 12:04 pm I joined a Carpenter's class the other day.

We haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.
I joined one of these classes too. I was the first person to turn up and the teacher came and sat right next to me. I thought it was a bit odd but I said nothing. Then, as the other pupils came in they all sat next to me as well. I thought this was bizarre so I pointed to the others and asked the teacher what was going on and he said....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by westham,eggyandchips »

I played football last night on some rubble and broken brickwork. We won 5-4 on aggregate.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

"Ladies and Gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm disappointed.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Brilliant :crylol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I bumped into Lee Majors recently and he looked a million dollars. Yeah, really let himself go.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Princess Diana's Ford Escort sells at auction for £650,000.

Bargain..... Andrew paid 12 Million to get rid of his escort.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

MB will kill me but not seeing this great thread go off the first page :smiler:

Mickey Mouse is in the Divorce Courts. The beak turns to him and says 'Mr Mouse, I don't think it is reasonable grounds to divorce your wife simply because she has buck-teeth'.


Mickey replies 'I didn't say she had buck-teeth, I said she was ****ing Goofy'.
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