The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Haarlemammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

It takes 5 minutes to walk from my house to the pub.
It takes 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

I'm sat opposite Mick Jagger on the train to London and he's just caught me trying to connect to his phone's WiFi hotspot... He said "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I'm sat opposite Dennis Weaver on the train and Mick Jagger started slapping him about for trying to connect to his phone WiFi hot-spot. I shouted "Hey! You! Get off of McCloud!".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Collector »

Monkeybubbles wrote: Sun May 22, 2022 8:42 pm I'm sat opposite Dennis Weaver on the train and Mick Jagger started slapping him about for trying to connect to his phone WiFi hot-spot. I shouted "Hey! You! Get off of McCloud!".
I saw this! And, as this was a quiet coach, Jagger whispered back “Hey, you! Stop shouting so loud!”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

My wife has suggested we try the liverpool position tonight when we have sex later

I said i hadnt heard of it

She said its when you go on top for ages and come second
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by chelmsfordhammer91 »

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

My grandfather hanged himself on Christmas Day.

Out of respect we didn't take him down until the 6th January.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

The Collector wrote: Mon May 23, 2022 2:46 pm I saw this! And, as this was a quiet coach, Jagger whispered back “Hey, you! Stop shouting so loud!”
I tried talking to Mick but he refused to speak to me unless I gave him a bag frozen peas, when I asked why, he said ‘Peas allow me to introduce myself’.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by chelmsfordhammer91 »

Way before my time, no idea what you lot are on about :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by IABATAC »

pablo jaye wrote: Wed May 25, 2022 8:29 pm I tried talking to Mick but he refused to speak to me unless I gave him a bag frozen peas, when I asked why, he said ‘Peas allow me to introduce myself’.
I ordered Mick Jagger to stop all this nonsense but he just sneered and said, "what a drag it is getting told."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WestSamToo »

IABATAC wrote: Thu May 26, 2022 6:46 am I ordered Mick Jagger to stop all this nonsense but he just sneered and said, "what a drag it is getting told."
I was serving refreshments on that train. Mick Jagger, ordered a coffee. I asked him if he wanted anything with his coffee and he said:

"BROWN SUGAR !!!"

I apologised and said we only had white. He said:

"You can't always get what you want"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Stayed in the same hotel as Jagger one night. Filthy, hungry vermin-infested place. We had to go to the local bakers for something to eat.
Checked in with him later:

"Mick, have you had anything to eat?"

"Got a roll, me. Talk about grumbling mice!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

My fruit machine has stopped working I rang the manufacturer and the lady who answered asked if I could hold.

I said No, I can’t even nudge
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I have to say that I’m very concerned that I might have monkeypox.
I called my doctor today and told him I wasn’t feeling too good, he told me to swing by his surgery!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Collector »

WestSamToo wrote: Fri May 27, 2022 11:38 am I was serving refreshments on that train. Mick Jagger, ordered a coffee. I asked him if he wanted anything with his coffee and he said:

"BROWN SUGAR !!!"

I apologised and said we only had white. He said:

"You can't always get what you want"
Really stresses me out when this happens. In fact it has been known to cause a me a nervous breakdown on numerous occasions. I don’t recall how many times, but it must be in the high teens.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by IABATAC »

I was in Cardiff when I saw Mick Jagger watching two blokes with the same name falling down a steep hill. I asked him what was going on and he said, "Tumbling Dais."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

89 MonkeyPox cases in the UK now. Not long before we are all on our doorsteps clapping for f&cking zookeepers
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

jevs wrote: Sat May 28, 2022 6:27 pm 89 MonkeyPox cases in the UK now. Not long before we are all on our doorsteps clapping for f&cking zookeepers
:crylol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ereford ammer »

psychoscoredthelot wrote: Wed May 25, 2022 5:43 pm My wife has suggested we try the liverpool position tonight when we have sex later

I said i hadnt heard of it

She said its when you go on top for ages and come second
Quality :newthumb:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Someone stole all my next door neighbours grass last night.

He’s out there now looking forlorn...
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