The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I have decided to identify as a donkey from now on. Please note that my new pronouns are Hee/Haw.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

I’ve decided to identify as an owl from now on. And will respond to the following pronouns - Twit/Twoo.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

Just killed a spider with my shoe.

Still, the little b*stard shouldn't have stolen it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I used to be addicted to Christmas leftovers.



I got over it, after a week of cold turkey.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by 'Appy 'Ammer »

I got told if I turn the bedside lamp off, I could get frisky and shove it up her arse. I should of waited until the bulb cooled down
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I've just been informed that I failed my entry exam for the RAF.
Apparently the Bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute band.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by bigcarpchaser »

'Appy 'Ammer wrote: Sun Mar 20, 2022 11:27 pm I got told if I turn the bedside lamp off, I could get frisky and shove it up her arse. I should of waited until the bulb cooled down
That made me laugh more than it should have lol
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

My Missus discovered I was cheating when she found the letters I had hidden................




She'll never let me play scrabble again.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… 'Cos I don't want to go to Ukraine either."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

Just want to say thank you to the kind passerby’s who helped as they could see me clearly in distress after getting robbed at the petrol station yesterday evening. Not something I was expecting arriving back from a month off of work. First off, I'm OK, though I was a bit shook up.
After my hands stopped trembling, I did manage to call the police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however the police asked me if I had any clue who did it and I told them,

"Yes, it was pump number 1."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.



It was a Lamb Bikini.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by old fart »

School girl 1 ; "What have you got next period?"
Schoolgirl 2; "Strip search"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

This woman goes into the butchers and says "you have a cow's head in the window"

The butcher replies " that's a mirror" :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

A man who trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground said he went from barking to tooting in an hour.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

To the person who stole my trainers and hi-viz jacket...

You can run, but you can't hide.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Interesting facts,
During his military service Elvis served in the bomb disposal team due to his experience with suspicious mines.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by devonshire flu »

I identify as invisible.

I am trans-parent.

My pronouns are who/where.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Went to see a great Stiff Little Fingers tribute band tonight.
They call themselves Arthritis.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

What do you call a scarecrow doing a puzzle.

Wordle Gummage
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

Received three tips for the Grand National from my mate who is a bookie.

1. Sunshine
2. Moonlight
3. Good Times.

Bet responsibly and remember if the bets fail, don't blame it on the Sunshine, don't blame it on the Moonlight - blame it on the bookie!
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