The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[ageing hammer]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise of which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

[ageing hammer]

This bloke comes home from a night out and makes a terrible racket on the stairs.

His wife shouts what the hell are you doing you will wake the whole house with that racket.

The bloke said " I'm trying to bring two crates of beer up to the bedroom"

His wife said " FFS just leave them downstairs until the morning "

The bloke replied " I can’t..hic ....cos ... I drank 'em. "

[Rocketron]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

We've had this one before.

[ageing hammer]

We've had this one before.

I just checked back it's been done 4 times since 2016, and to make matters worse 3 of them were from me

My memory is definitely going, MB will have my guts for garters

[Hammer.CA]

FOR SALE
Iconic Sooty and Sweep puppets.
Any offer accepted.
I just want them off my hands.

[Eggchaser]

I just checked back it's been done 4 times since 2016, and to make matters worse 3 of them were from me

Ageing - this bit is actually funnier than many of the jokes on here

[vietnammer]

Got so bored stuck indoors that I memorised 6 pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing

[Westcliffspur]

As a youngster playing football I used to run around the pitch randomly shouting, 43, 97, 21, 3 and 14.

I was there just to make up the numbers.

[S-H]

We have a short bloke at work called Antony, he's only 5ft..

We call him Shetland Tony.

[ageing hammer]

Ivan Toney has denied that the recent betting allegations has cost him his place in the England squad.

He states that he will be gutted he will not be involved in Monday's 2-2 draw with Iran.....................

[S-H]

Ivan Benjamin Elijah Toney

IBET

[steviob125]

I was walking along the street when I noticed George Michael walking towards me.

As he approached, a chocolate bar fell out of his pocket. I thought to myself, that is a careless wispa

[Arnold Layne]

Are you sure it wasn’t a Wham bar?

[jevs]

I was walking along the street when I noticed George Michael walking towards me.

As he approached, a chocolate bar fell out of his pocket. I thought to myself, that is a careless wispa

I'm sure you're mistaken as George Michael passed away several years ago!!!

[Shabu]

I'm sure you're mistaken as George Michael passed away several years ago!!!

He's never gonna dance again.

[swisstony]

What was George Michael's last hit?

Snappy Snaps

[Westcliffspur]

Life has been hard for me recently.

I was in the cafe this morning and an altercation broke out. Bloke hurled a full English at me.

This afternoon I parked up on the seafront. Opened the car window to take the sea air. Whoosh. Someone threw a portion of fish n chips right in me face.

I was so fed up I had more to drink than I should have. Got in very late. As I opened the front door,  my wife in her temper, hurled a burned roast dinner at me.

Honestly, I don't know where my next meal is coming from.

[vietnammer]

Struck up.a conversation with a Dalek once. I asked him where he was from. He said from Devon so I said oh, which part?

Exeter mate, Exeter mate

[Monkeybubbles]

I was in the cafe this morning and an altercation broke out. Bloke hurled a full English at me.

Did you leave with egg on your face?

[Monkeybubbles]

POLICEMAN: "Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do?"

MINER: "Mine".