The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Plashet Grove Pete]

Have another think

Please someone put me out of my misery ....

[irving boleyn]

Crucial to the understanding of this quip is identifying both meanings of "washed up"

[Plashet Grove Pete]

Crucial to the understanding of this quip is identifying both meanings of "washed up"

FFS.

Thanks Irving. I think.

[Westcliffspur]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a harp, someone there said "you're not a harp you're much too small", I replied angrily "are you calling me a lyre?"

[Westcliffspur]

My wife said "Why do we need walkie talkies? Our relationship is over."

I said "Our relationship is what? Over."

[Westcliffspur]

One evening, an old farmer decided to go down to his pond, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked:' Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!'

[Westcliffspur]

As I handed my grandfather his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

[Westcliffspur]

I asked my wife why she doesn't tell me when she's about to orgasm, she said "You told me never to ring you when you're down the pub."

[Westcliffspur]

Due to my alligence it pains me to admit that Richarlison must be the worst Brazilian since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife's fanny.

[Westcliffspur]

Earlier today I went for a walk down a canal tow path in Birmingham, where I saw a guy fishing in the canal.
"Hello" I said, "Have you caught anything today?"
"Not much," he replied, "Just a whale."
"A WHALE? In Birmingham? What kind of a whale?"
"A bicycle whale."

[Westcliffspur]

Last Friday I met a woman in the pub and said, "You remind me of my little toe."

She giggled and replied "You mean to say I'm small and cute?"

"No.I mean I'll probably bang you on the table later when I'm pissed."

[Monkeybubbles]

Earlier today I went for a walk down a canal tow path in Birmingham, where I saw a guy fishing in the canal.
"Hello" I said, "Have you caught anything today?"
"Not much," he replied, "Just a whale."
"A WHALE? In Birmingham? What kind of a whale?"
"A bicycle whale."

"Do you want a kipper tie?"

"I'd rather have coffee"

[Monkeybubbles]

"Do you, Linda, take David the Optician to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better.....or worse? Better.....or worse?"

[vietnammer]

Once upon a time, in Pinocchio’s village, there lived a beautiful girl. One day, when she was helping her grandmother, she tragically suffered a bizarre gardening accident and lost one of her beautiful blue eyes.
The girl’s family were very poor, and couldn’t afford a proper glass eye for her, but then they remembered the old carpenter, Geppetto. He could do magical things with wood- after all, hadn’t he carved Pinocchio out of a block of wood, and brought him to life? Maybe he could make a new eye for the girl.
Geppetto did his best, and made the a girl a beautiful, smooth, round eye out of the finest magical pine wood. Sadly though she couldn’t see out of it and resigned herself to a life of walking sideways.
Now, in this village, there lived a boy that the girl was in love with, and he was in love with her. The trouble was, they were both terribly shy, and, of course, the girl was very sensitive about her false eye, so neither of them ever spoke.
This situation went on for many years, then, finally, at the village dance one Christmas, the girl decided she would speak. She went up to the boy where he was sitting on his own in a corner and asked him if he would like to dance.
Immediately he jumped to his feet.

“Would I like to dance with you?” he cried. “Of course I would like to dance with you! Why would’n I ?”

She smacked him in the gob.

(Pinoccio apparently translates as something like 'pine eye' in Italian)

[Westcliffspur]

I had an heated confronted with the wife last night and she ended up.going off with two blokes in a van.

Bloody paramedics.

(No violence actually hapoen. Its a joke. Nor were vital NHS paramedics called out because its a joke )

[The Old Man of Storr]

Once upon a time, in Pinocchio’s village, there lived a beautiful girl. One day, when she was helping her grandmother, she tragically suffered a bizarre gardening accident and lost one of her beautiful blue eyes.
The girl’s family were very poor, and couldn’t afford a proper glass eye for her, but then they remembered the old carpenter, Geppetto. He could do magical things with wood- after all, hadn’t he carved Pinocchio out of a block of wood, and brought him to life? Maybe he could make a new eye for the girl.
Geppetto did his best, and made the a girl a beautiful, smooth, round eye out of the finest magical pine wood. Sadly though she couldn’t see out of it and resigned herself to a life of walking sideways.
Now, in this village, there lived a boy that the girl was in love with, and he was in love with her. The trouble was, they were both terribly shy, and, of course, the girl was very sensitive about her false eye, so neither of them ever spoke.
This situation went on for many years, then, finally, at the village dance one Christmas, the girl decided she would speak. She went up to the boy where he was sitting on his own in a corner and asked him if he would like to dance.
Immediately he jumped to his feet.

“Would I like to dance with you?” he cried. “Of course I would like to dance with you! Why would’n I ?”

She smacked him in the gob.

(Pinoccio apparently translates as something like 'pine eye' in Italian)

Then The Eagles came on stage and started singing ....

' You can't hide your pine eyes......'


Then the beautiful young girl left..... crying out of her one eye .



..............................................................................


Anyway , that wasn't the reason I came on here - my son sent me this funny video , funny as in HaHa funny [ well , I thought it was funny ] and I didn't know where else to put it so here goes.............

[badabing]

I thought I`d seen the first English superhero yesterday in Liverpool,
when a scouser ran down the street wearing a cape.
Turned out the f*cker hadn`t paid for his haircut.

[ageing hammer]

I thought I`d seen the first English superhero yesterday in Liverpool,
when a scouser ran down the street wearing a cape.
Turned out the f*cker hadn`t paid for his haircut.

Briiliant

[Clacton-ammer]

some crackers

[Eastcote]

And repeats