I had my first game of quiet tennis today.
It’s just like normal tennis but without the racket.
The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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Hammer.CA
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uptonparkhurst
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ageing hammer
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hammer etc
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting divorced. The judge calls Mickey over and says "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce Minnie for having protruding teeth." Mickey replies, "I didn't say she did, I said that she is f@$king goofy!"
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vietnammer
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Got in from a walk & said to the wife "I just got attacked & bitten by a great Dane"
"Oh no!" she replied "What if that had been a small child?"
"Well I would have been able to fight off a small child"
"Oh no!" she replied "What if that had been a small child?"
"Well I would have been able to fight off a small child"
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
"When I got to the door I couldn't jump so the 6ft 7" instructor unzips his fly and drops out his 14" and says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your aarse!"
Mick asks "Did you jump"
Paddy replies " A little bit when it first went in"
"When I got to the door I couldn't jump so the 6ft 7" instructor unzips his fly and drops out his 14" and says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your aarse!"
Mick asks "Did you jump"
Paddy replies " A little bit when it first went in"
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Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
ageing hammer wrote: ↑Thu Oct 21, 2021 1:56 pm Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
"When I got to the door I couldn't jump so the 6ft 7" instructor unzips his fly and drops out his 14" and says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your aarse!"
Mick asks "Did you jump"
Paddy replies " A little bit when it first went in"
genuine LOL! at that one.-
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I was listening to a vinyl single called “Wasp Noises” but it didn't sound like a Wasp.
Turns out I was playing the B Side.
Turns out I was playing the B Side.
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Samba
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Taking a risk with that one, mate..hammer etc wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:22 pm Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting divorced. The judge calls Mickey over and says "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce Minnie for having protruding teeth." Mickey replies, "I didn't say she did, I said that she is f@$king goofy!"
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Monkeybubbles
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Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
When I was about nine years old, I accompanied my father to a funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn’t sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead b**tard had a twin.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn’t sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead b**tard had a twin.
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Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I think my next door neighbour is a serial killer.
I’m going to report him to the police but I’ll let him finish my patio first.
I’m going to report him to the police but I’ll let him finish my patio first.
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Samba
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Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
So, I've just finished reading a book on DIY house construction,
by Bill Jerome Holmes.
by Bill Jerome Holmes.
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Samba
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Shabu
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Apologies if this is an old joke.........
An old couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife say "I'm off to the shops, dear. Want anything?"
"No" he replies, so off she goes.
He decides to clean the house while she's gone, something he's never done. In a cupboard in the kitchen he discovers a shoe box. In that box is 2 eggs & 100 quid.
When she gets home he asks her about the eggs. She says "Darling, every time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box"
At first he's fuming, furious. Then he calms down a little & thinks to himself "Well there's only 2 eggs in there. That's not so bad over 50 years". Then he remembers the 100 quid so asks her about that and she says....
"Well every time I got to a dozen eggs I sold them for 2 quid a box"
An old couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife say "I'm off to the shops, dear. Want anything?"
"No" he replies, so off she goes.
He decides to clean the house while she's gone, something he's never done. In a cupboard in the kitchen he discovers a shoe box. In that box is 2 eggs & 100 quid.
When she gets home he asks her about the eggs. She says "Darling, every time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box"
At first he's fuming, furious. Then he calms down a little & thinks to himself "Well there's only 2 eggs in there. That's not so bad over 50 years". Then he remembers the 100 quid so asks her about that and she says....
"Well every time I got to a dozen eggs I sold them for 2 quid a box"
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Monkeybubbles
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a bank to cash a cheque. At the counter, the cashier asks for his ID.
Solskjaer:"Ah, I didn't bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring regarding fraud I really have to see some ID"
Solskjaer: "Look, you can just ask anyone here and they'll confirm who I am. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "OK, I shouldn't do this but there is a way around the problem. One day, Tiger Woods came in without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter, dinked the ball across the bank lobby and made the ball stop dead on a five pound note. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where he bounced the ball off all four walls and landed it in my tea mug. With that, we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”
Solskjaer:"Ah, I didn't bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring regarding fraud I really have to see some ID"
Solskjaer: "Look, you can just ask anyone here and they'll confirm who I am. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "OK, I shouldn't do this but there is a way around the problem. One day, Tiger Woods came in without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter, dinked the ball across the bank lobby and made the ball stop dead on a five pound note. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where he bounced the ball off all four walls and landed it in my tea mug. With that, we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”