The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[pablo jaye]

It's a little know fact that the composer George Gershwin likes to give people lifesized models of the Goodies for Christmas. Tim Brooke-Taylor's dummy is wrapped in red paper, Graham Garden in gold, but Gershwin always wraps Oddie in Blue.

[ageing hammer]

I will never forget the day my mum and dad told me Santa Claus was fake.

I got so upset, I just jumped into my car and drove straight to the pub.

[Puff Daddy]

There are these two blokes travelling on a tube train. The train stops at a station and one bloke says to the other " Excuse me, but is this Cockfosters? The other bloke, most indignant, says, No it's not, it's mine

[Cockneyboy311]

How will King Charles be signing his Christmas cards ?
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

[pablo jaye]

Just seen a guy with one leg at the ATM. I think he was checking his balance.

[Hammer.CA]

I just hope that when I go shopping on Christmas Eve that there’s not a lot of selfish people out there, leaving it till the last minute.

[-DL-]

Fore the first time I years, I went to midnight mass last night. At the end of the srvice, I said to the Vicar "What a lovely service - and this Church - it's beautiful, Vicar"

It's Norman" he replies.

I say back to him "Sorry, What a lovely service - and this Church - it's beautiful, Norman".

Merry Christmas

[Hammer.CA]

At this time of year, as the family gathers, we raise our glasses to Mum, who is up there looking down on us.
I really must get that stairlift fixed.

[Hammer.CA]

My neighbour took out a loan to have her house exorcised, it cost over £200
She didn’t keep up the payments, now she's been repossessed.

[Monkeybubbles]

Tragically, a good friend of mine passed away with heartburn on Christmas Day.

I can't believe Gav is gone.

[Samba]

Tragically, a good friend of mine passed away with heartburn on Christmas Day.

I can't believe Gav is gone.

[Hammer.CA]

My nephew fell asleep at a Boxing Day party we had at our house, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a c*ck on his forehead.
My sister went mad when she looked in his pram.

[OFT]

258 people went into the English Channel for the annual new years day swim earlier today. 397 came back

[Polaroid]

A genuine cracker joke.

What's E.T. short for?


He's only got little legs.

[Monkeybubbles]

My wife said there was no way that I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

[Samba]

My wife said there was no way that I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

My wife laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

[Hammer.CA]

After 10 years of marriage a bloke has had enough of his wife’s attitude, she’s not interested in him, his hobbies or sex despite his best efforts to get her to change.
He decides he’s been too soft with her and one morning he goes into the bedroom and says “I’ve had enough of your attitude, tomorrow you me and the dog are all going out together and you can accompany me while I’m fishing” the wife says “I don’t want to go out” so her husband says you either come fishing with me and the dog or you give me a bj, that’s it, fishing or that!”
His mrs thinks for a minute and says “I hate fishing so let’s get on with it” the bloke whips his old chap out, the wife kneels down and retches “Oh my god, that stinks, no wonder I don’t ever fancy sex, why does it smell so bad?”
The husband looks at her and says “it turns out that the dog doesn’t want to go fishing either”

[JLCABA]

I’m getting fed up of people saying that I’m condescending…..
( That means talking down to people )

[S-H]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend rings reception asking for condoms.

Receptionist says. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Don't be thukin thupid I'd thuffocate!"......

[Monkeybubbles]

Stop it