The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Plashet Grove Pete
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Plashet Grove Pete »

WestSamToo wrote: Sun Sep 25, 2022 10:34 am "Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"WhatsApp"

"WhatsApp who?"

"It's a smelly thing that comes out of your bottom"
Meets the "crap" criteria I suppose ....
Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

What do lions get for their lunch at the zoo?

Half an hour, the same as the elephants.
Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Sad news, the Dutch man who invented inflatable shoes has just popped his clogs.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

DID YOU KNOW,
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry
since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
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ironilunga
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ironilunga »

Diana Ross was another who tried to jump the queue when the Queen was lying in state. An old woman tapped her on the shoulder and told her ‘you can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait!’
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

ironilunga wrote: Sat Oct 01, 2022 12:03 pm Diana Ross was another who tried to jump the queue when the Queen was lying in state. An old woman tapped her on the shoulder and told her ‘you can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait!’
and she said "it's my turn "
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IABATAC
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by IABATAC »

ageing hammer wrote: Sat Oct 01, 2022 11:16 pm and she said "it's my turn "
And the old woman shook her head and said to herself, "I'm still waiting."
Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?

Because he was too far out man.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tenbury »

Maybe the same hippy... Walks into a cafe,

'A cup of coffee and a piece of cake please....'

'Sorry, the cake' s all gone'

'Crazy... I'll have two pieces.'
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davids cross
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by davids cross »

We were burgled last night.... :furrow:

They only had the bloody nerve to steal our toilet.....

We called the police.

At the moment, the police said they are looking for the perpetrators as a matter of priority.........But there was nothing to go on.

:crylol:
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DM
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DM »

We were burgled last night but after stealing the garden furniture and swing set they dug a massive hole in the back garden.
CID are looking into it!
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Someone broke into our house last night.
Took a carving knife to a box of cornflakes that was on the kitchen table.
Police are convinced its the work of a cereal killer
el pato
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by el pato »

I came in from work yesterday just as some bloke was running out the backdoor with my laptop, when the copper came round to investigate he asked if I would recognise the burglar, I said"no, but he looked the kind of bloke that would watch a lot of "dodgy " porn.
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Chicken Run Supreme
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Chicken Run Supreme »

davids cross wrote: Sat Oct 08, 2022 2:49 pm We were burgled last night.... :furrow:

They only had the bloody nerve to steal our toilet.....

We called the police.

At the moment, the police said they are looking for the perpetrators as a matter of priority.........But there was nothing to go on.

:crylol:
Classic Two Ronnies there dc 🤣

And from DM too 😁
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Eggchaser
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggchaser »

Chicken Run Supreme wrote: Mon Oct 10, 2022 1:14 pm Classic Two Ronnies there dc 🤣

And from DM too 😁
Here's another ...

There was a collision between two cargo ships last night in the Solent.
One ship carrying red paint and the other carrying blue paint.

Both crews are said to have been marooned.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Two married men are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the drive, I switch the engine off and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His mate looks at him and says "Well you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes onto the floor, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's backside and say, 'How about a bl**job?' and she's always sound asleep”
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Bamber Gascoigne
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

I was awoken in the early hours of this morning by the sounds of an ambulance departing our street.

Apparently, the elderly chap across the road had been burgled while he was asleep, and not satisfied with taking his savings and generally ransacking the house, the scum that broke in even went so far as waking and tying the poor chap up before ramming his hoover pipe up his ar$e!

I phoned the Hospital this afternoon to see how he was doing and the Nurse said he was picking up nicely.......
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I’m off to New York tomorrow.
Im going to the Museum of Modern Art to throw sunflower oil on Warhol’s ‘Campbell’s Soup Tins’.
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