The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[ageing hammer]

A bloke in a nightclub was complaining to his mate about not being able to score with any birds.

He said

" I have tried everything and never have any luck, what annoys me most is there is this fat ugly barsteward sitting at the bar and he is always surrounded by beautiful women and he always takes one home. He doesn't even buy them a drink or dance with them or even try to chat them up.

All night he just sits there at the bar..... licking his eyebrows "

[Rocketron]

Shoo

[Hammer.CA]

Alarm clocks are a scam.
WAKE UP PEOPLE!

[Hammer.CA]

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to walkie talkies.

I think our marriage is over, over.

[Hammer.CA]

Shoo shoo.

Head banging thingy.

[Arnold Layne]

How does a pastry chef get rid of a dog in the kitchen?

Choux.

[ageing hammer]

I phoned the wife and said " I've got something to tell you , but it's a bit hard to say "

She said nervously " Go on "

I said " Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead "

[Hammer.CA]

I used to have a mate at work called Keith
but I called him Keth because he had had one eye missing.

[Hammer.CA]

Genie: What's your final wish?
Boy: I wish I was you.
Genie: Weurd, but alrught.

[daytimedave]

I phoned the wife and said " I've got something to tell you , but it's a bit hard to say "

She said nervously " Go on "

I said " Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead "

there was an old pub band by that very name years ago , not sure if they are still about .

[vietnammer]

I once posed naked for a magazine. but the shop keeper wasn't having any of it and told me I'd have to pay like everyone else

[Monkeybubbles]

There's a butcher's shop in Essex where they sell sausages made out of pandas. I know this because I was stood in the queue when a lady asked for two.

[Shabu]

There's a butcher's shop in Essex where they sell sausages made out of pandas. I know this because I was stood in the queue when a lady asked for two.

:lol:

[Cockneyboy311]

There's a butcher's shop in Essex where they sell sausages made out of pandas. I know this because I was stood in the queue when a lady asked for two.

I'm not sure i get it

Two pounds (paaands) a sausage maybe?

[hammer etc]

I think it's pounders it will then be 2 paaanderrs.

[Hammer.CA]

Sad news, the inventor of the speedboat has died.
His funeral is next Wednesday followed by a wake.

[Rocketron]

Two pounds of sausage (Recieved Pronunciation)
Two pahnd a sausage (East London Pronunciation)

[jevs]

Today someone told me that they saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself “that’s a little condescending”

[ageing hammer]

Like the dwarf who shagged Snow White.




His mate put him up to it.

[Hammer.CA]

The manager of John O'Groats FC has resigned after a heavy defeat to Lands End United.
"I've taken the team as far as they can go" he said.