The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
Alan Pardew's Dad
Posts: 2958
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 8:36 pm
Location: Bristol
Has liked: 829 likes
Total likes: 669 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Alan Pardew's Dad »

I bought a big knife to cut several Irish soda breads at the same time.

It’s a four loaf cleaver.
User avatar
Alan Pardew's Dad
Posts: 2958
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 8:36 pm
Location: Bristol
Has liked: 829 likes
Total likes: 669 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Alan Pardew's Dad »

What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.
User avatar
Monkeybubbles
Posts: 13801
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
Has liked: 485 likes
Total likes: 1955 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

.

Ah balls, some pedant will pick me up on that one.
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that”
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Talks between the A.A and the RAC about a possible merger have broken down.
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I’ve just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table!
I know it’s authentic because there’s a bit of veneer missing.
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.
I found this out on a price comparison website.
User avatar
WestSamToo
Posts: 698
Joined: Sun May 22, 2022 6:43 am
Has liked: 384 likes
Total likes: 314 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WestSamToo »

Hammer.CA wrote: Fri Apr 14, 2023 7:01 pm Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.
I found this out on a price comparison website.
Our whingy old neighbour Susan couldn't decide what to have done at the hairdressers so I looked it up on:
MoanySuePermOrCut.com
User avatar
IABATAC
Posts: 506
Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2016 6:41 pm
Has liked: 2 likes
Total likes: 75 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by IABATAC »

Hollywood actress Rosanna didn't know which energy company to sign up with so I told her to visit www.comparethemarquette.com
User avatar
-DL-
Bag Man
Posts: 30097
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
Has liked: 837 likes
Total likes: 4952 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

If we're going on advert puns (I've probably posted this before)...

Sid, the dairy farmer, was getting fed up because he had already got through 7 washing machines this year because they kept on breaking.

He'd tried everything, yet the machines still kept on breaking down.

One day, the government came in and told him he had to get rid of his heard because of Bovine TB, and he decided enough was enough - he was going to become an arable farmer.

12 months later, he noticed that he had not had a single washing machine break down and it was working perfectly.

He said to his accountant, "I'm confused, I've not had a washing machine pack up for over a year now. I wonder why that is?"

"Well", said his accountant, "I thought everyone knew that washing machines live longer with cows gone".
User avatar
swisstony
Posts: 666
Joined: Sat Jan 11, 2014 5:09 pm
Location: Crouching Down, Hidden Behind Ya
Has liked: 152 likes
Total likes: 60 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by swisstony »

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.

Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't.

Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.

Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.

The moral of the story?... ..

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
User avatar
Samba
Posts: 21811
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
Has liked: 2484 likes
Total likes: 895 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

-DL- wrote: Sat Apr 15, 2023 8:25 am If we're going on advert puns (I've probably posted this before)...

Sid, the dairy farmer, was getting fed up because he had already got through 7 washing machines this year because they kept on breaking.

He'd tried everything, yet the machines still kept on breaking down.

One day, the government came in and told him he had to get rid of his heard because of Bovine TB, and he decided enough was enough - he was going to become an arable farmer.

12 months later, he noticed that he had not had a single washing machine break down and it was working perfectly.

He said to his accountant, "I'm confused, I've not had a washing machine pack up for over a year now. I wonder why that is?"

"Well", said his accountant, "I thought everyone knew that washing machines live longer with cows gone".
Image
User avatar
sword
Posts: 424
Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:43 am
Has liked: 56 likes
Total likes: 50 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sword »

Hi Samba,
Are you based in the US? If so, the pun doesn't work so well,
www.takemeaway.com/products/?collection=morning-glory
User avatar
Monkeybubbles
Posts: 13801
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
Has liked: 485 likes
Total likes: 1955 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

My dog ate a whole set of Scrabble tiles so I took him to the vet. No word yet.
User avatar
-DL-
Bag Man
Posts: 30097
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
Has liked: 837 likes
Total likes: 4952 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

Samba wrote: Sun Apr 16, 2023 1:12 am Image
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

A man tells a Rabbi “I have a strong desire to live forever”
“Get married”replies the Rabbi.
“And…will I live forever?”
“No but the desire will disappear”
User avatar
jevs
Posts: 9278
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 6:15 pm
Location: Uckfield, East Sussex
Has liked: 473 likes
Total likes: 293 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

I've just got to A&E

Now I don't want to bore you with details but the Dyson ball cleaner is a dangerously misleading product name!!!
RaddyKovac
Posts: 886
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2022 3:16 pm
Has liked: 136 likes
Total likes: 163 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by RaddyKovac »

-DL- wrote: Sat Apr 15, 2023 8:25 am *non-racist crap washing machine joke*
I heard a variant of these to do with some bloke called Callum who worked at Curry's and always ended up dropping the Hotpoints off the back of the delivery truck or something.
RaddyKovac
Posts: 886
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2022 3:16 pm
Has liked: 136 likes
Total likes: 163 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by RaddyKovac »

Hammer.CA wrote: Tue Apr 11, 2023 9:55 pm Talks between the A.A and the RAC about a possible merger have broken down.
Green flag for their competitors to move in then.
User avatar
Samba
Posts: 21811
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
Has liked: 2484 likes
Total likes: 895 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

-DL- wrote: Mon Apr 17, 2023 11:13 am
Oh, I got it but used the wrong meme..
Post Reply