The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
- Alan Pardew's Dad
- Posts: 2958
- Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 8:36 pm
- Location: Bristol
- Has liked: 829 likes
- Total likes: 669 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I bought a big knife to cut several Irish soda breads at the same time.
It’s a four loaf cleaver.
It’s a four loaf cleaver.
- Alan Pardew's Dad
- Posts: 2958
- Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 8:36 pm
- Location: Bristol
- Has liked: 829 likes
- Total likes: 669 likes
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13801
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 485 likes
- Total likes: 1955 likes
-
- Posts: 3139
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2781 likes
- Total likes: 607 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that”
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that”
-
- Posts: 3139
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2781 likes
- Total likes: 607 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Talks between the A.A and the RAC about a possible merger have broken down.
-
- Posts: 3139
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2781 likes
- Total likes: 607 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I’ve just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table!
I know it’s authentic because there’s a bit of veneer missing.
I know it’s authentic because there’s a bit of veneer missing.
-
- Posts: 3139
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2781 likes
- Total likes: 607 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.
I found this out on a price comparison website.
I found this out on a price comparison website.
- WestSamToo
- Posts: 698
- Joined: Sun May 22, 2022 6:43 am
- Has liked: 384 likes
- Total likes: 314 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Our whingy old neighbour Susan couldn't decide what to have done at the hairdressers so I looked it up on:
MoanySuePermOrCut.com
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Hollywood actress Rosanna didn't know which energy company to sign up with so I told her to visit www.comparethemarquette.com
- -DL-
- Bag Man
- Posts: 30097
- Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
- Has liked: 837 likes
- Total likes: 4952 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
If we're going on advert puns (I've probably posted this before)...
Sid, the dairy farmer, was getting fed up because he had already got through 7 washing machines this year because they kept on breaking.
He'd tried everything, yet the machines still kept on breaking down.
One day, the government came in and told him he had to get rid of his heard because of Bovine TB, and he decided enough was enough - he was going to become an arable farmer.
12 months later, he noticed that he had not had a single washing machine break down and it was working perfectly.
He said to his accountant, "I'm confused, I've not had a washing machine pack up for over a year now. I wonder why that is?"
"Well", said his accountant, "I thought everyone knew that washing machines live longer with cows gone".
Sid, the dairy farmer, was getting fed up because he had already got through 7 washing machines this year because they kept on breaking.
He'd tried everything, yet the machines still kept on breaking down.
One day, the government came in and told him he had to get rid of his heard because of Bovine TB, and he decided enough was enough - he was going to become an arable farmer.
12 months later, he noticed that he had not had a single washing machine break down and it was working perfectly.
He said to his accountant, "I'm confused, I've not had a washing machine pack up for over a year now. I wonder why that is?"
"Well", said his accountant, "I thought everyone knew that washing machines live longer with cows gone".
- swisstony
- Posts: 666
- Joined: Sat Jan 11, 2014 5:09 pm
- Location: Crouching Down, Hidden Behind Ya
- Has liked: 152 likes
- Total likes: 60 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't.
Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't.
Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
- Samba
- Posts: 21811
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2484 likes
- Total likes: 895 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
-DL- wrote: ↑Sat Apr 15, 2023 8:25 am If we're going on advert puns (I've probably posted this before)...
Sid, the dairy farmer, was getting fed up because he had already got through 7 washing machines this year because they kept on breaking.
He'd tried everything, yet the machines still kept on breaking down.
One day, the government came in and told him he had to get rid of his heard because of Bovine TB, and he decided enough was enough - he was going to become an arable farmer.
12 months later, he noticed that he had not had a single washing machine break down and it was working perfectly.
He said to his accountant, "I'm confused, I've not had a washing machine pack up for over a year now. I wonder why that is?"
"Well", said his accountant, "I thought everyone knew that washing machines live longer with cows gone".
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Hi Samba,
Are you based in the US? If so, the pun doesn't work so well,
www.takemeaway.com/products/?collection=morning-glory
Are you based in the US? If so, the pun doesn't work so well,
www.takemeaway.com/products/?collection=morning-glory
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13801
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 485 likes
- Total likes: 1955 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My dog ate a whole set of Scrabble tiles so I took him to the vet. No word yet.
- -DL-
- Bag Man
- Posts: 30097
- Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
- Has liked: 837 likes
- Total likes: 4952 likes
- Contact:
-
- Posts: 3139
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2781 likes
- Total likes: 607 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A man tells a Rabbi “I have a strong desire to live forever”
“Get married”replies the Rabbi.
“And…will I live forever?”
“No but the desire will disappear”
“Get married”replies the Rabbi.
“And…will I live forever?”
“No but the desire will disappear”
-
- Posts: 886
- Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2022 3:16 pm
- Has liked: 136 likes
- Total likes: 163 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I heard a variant of these to do with some bloke called Callum who worked at Curry's and always ended up dropping the Hotpoints off the back of the delivery truck or something.
-
- Posts: 886
- Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2022 3:16 pm
- Has liked: 136 likes
- Total likes: 163 likes
- Samba
- Posts: 21811
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2484 likes
- Total likes: 895 likes