The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[hammer etc]

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s today. His mum was livid.

[Hammer.CA]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Karen if she would go to B&Q and pick up a hinge and she agreed.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye was caught by a beautiful bathroom tap.
When the manager was finished, Karen asked him, "How much is that bath tap?”
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated bath tap and the price is £1450.00”
Karen exclaimed "My goodness, that is a very expensive bath tap, It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Karen paused for a moment and then shouted back “No, but I will for the bath tap"
And this is why you can't send women to B&Q.

[Hammer.CA]

I’ve just come back from the doctor’s, my neck has been aching very badly for the last few days.
I was involved in a road accident last week, an ice cream van drove into the back of my car.
The doctor said that I’m suffering from whippylash.

[ageing hammer]

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of Lingerie.

Apparently Shatner Panties wasn't the best choice of names.

[OFT]

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of Lingerie.

Apparently Shatner Panties wasn't the best choice of names.

[Hammer.CA]

My missus is trying to watch the women’s football, I’m doing the hoovering.
That’ll f*cking teach her!

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?





So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

[Suffolk Iron]

A Millwall supporter goes into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms.

The chemist says "You don't need them, your daughter bought some earlier"

[Shabu]

A Millwall supporter goes into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms.

The chemist says "You don't need them, your daughter bought some earlier"

The irony of someone from Suffolk telling this joke :lol:

[Suffolk Iron]

The irony of someone from Suffolk telling this joke :lol:

I'm not from Suffolk, I just lived there when I joined the site. I get your point though.

"Give me six!"

[Hammer.CA]

Made a nice change last night, the mrs coming home p*ssed after the football trying to get a shag but I told her I’d got a headache.

[pablo jaye]

Typical!
No one turned up at Camouflage Club.
Again!

[pablo jaye]

Last night, I went out drinking with The Beach Boys. It was great until I asked whose round it was.

[Joyeux Marteau]

Breaking news

A man has been rushed to hospital with eight toy horses stuck in his rectum.

Doctors have said he’s in a stable condition.

apologies if this has been done before

[vietnammer]

joke posted on 23 March 2010 at 2:37 pm. Sorry, you've been caught out. Now do the decent thing and resign from the website.

[hammer etc]

Went into the chemist the other day and said to the young lady behind the counter "can I have 99 condoms please." '99, f@@k me"" she exclaimed, totally shocked. "You better make it 100" I said.

[Hammer.CA]

I was a little bit surprised when my dinner at the local Brasilian steakhouse had a hair on it.

[Shabu]

Last night, I went out drinking with The Beach Boys. It was great until I asked whose round it was.

Almost as bad as when I asked Bill Withers how his day was...

[IABATAC]

Almost as bad as when I asked Bill Withers how his day was...

That's nothing. I was stuck on a crossword clue, "flying feathered animal, 4 letters" and I made the mistake of asking The Trashmen.

[Shabu]

I was at an Indian restaurant with Phil Collins. Waiter walked past and sprinkled some spice on his head.

He looked at me and said "I can feel it, cumin in my hair tonight, oh lord"