The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- chelmsfordhammer91
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Roman no1: "Do you know how many women I've slept with?"
Roman no2: "Mmm?"
Roman no1: "Don't be ridiculous, not that many."
Roman no2: "Mmm?"
Roman no1: "Don't be ridiculous, not that many."
Online
He might've also answered her by saying, "I live in Basildon and the apple is green", or "The bread is in the bakery and Jean-Jaques plays rugby."
Et voilà!
- last.caress
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
The guy has bumped into his French teacher. French teachers generally used to make people talk to them in whatever broken French they'd been learning in class. All any of us can ever remember about our French lessons are basic phrases such as "I went swimming with my friend" or "The cat is in the chair".
He might've also answered her by saying, "I live in Basildon and the apple is green", or "The bread is in the bakery and Jean-Jaques plays rugby."
Et voilà!
- OFT
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Turns out I did 'get it' but just didn't think it was funny.last.caress wrote: ↑Mon May 01, 2023 9:40 am The guy has bumped into his French teacher. French teachers generally used to make people talk to them in whatever broken French they'd been learning in class. All any of us can ever remember about our French lessons are basic phrases such as "I went swimming with my friend" or "The cat is in the chair".
He might've also answered her by saying, "I live in Basildon and the apple is green", or "The bread is in the bakery and Jean-Jaques plays rugby."
Et voilà!
Cheers L.C
Reet, I'm off to ouvre la fenetre
- The Old Man of Storr
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Je m'appelle Pierre .
Le pen de ma tante .
Whatever you do , don't read ' Therese Desqueyroux ' - I had to read it for my French A Level .
I still haven't recovered .
More depressing than Tess Of The D'Urbervilles but not quite as depressing as watching West Ham .
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My grandfather wasnt very bright. During the war he absconded and ****ed a letter from his commanding officer to say he was missing in acton, unfortunately that's where he lived and that's where they found him.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My wife just gave birth yesterday and after thanking the midwife, I pulled her aside and sheepishly asked, 'How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?' She winked at me and said, 'I'm off duty in ten minutes. Meet me in the car park
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I'm the kind of man who will worry about everything.
However, in recent weeks my wife has noticed a positive change in my attitude. I no longer worry about anything.
She asked me why recently why I'm so laid back?
I told her I've hired a professional worrier for a grand a week. Now he worries about all my problems.
A grand a week? How the hell will we be able to afford that?, she asked.
**** knows, I replied, that's his problem.
However, in recent weeks my wife has noticed a positive change in my attitude. I no longer worry about anything.
She asked me why recently why I'm so laid back?
I told her I've hired a professional worrier for a grand a week. Now he worries about all my problems.
A grand a week? How the hell will we be able to afford that?, she asked.
**** knows, I replied, that's his problem.
- vietnammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
An unemployed pianist with no sense of etiquette was walking the streets of London. Passing a high end pub, he spotted a sign in the window. “Pianist wanted”. He battered through the door and shouted at the manager behind the bar.
“See that notice in the window? That’s my job. My ****ing job. If you don’t take me on you’re a ****ing idiot”.
The manager looked at him and said “Well why don’t you play something and I’ll think about it”. So the pianist played and he was brilliant. The bar manager was in tears by the end of the song.
“That was fantastic. What’s the song called?”
“I call that one “You don’t sweat much for a fat bird” replied the pianist.
“Oh” said the bar manager. “Emm do you have anything else?
“****ing sure I do “ said the pianist and began to play. Again it was sublime. The bar manager, through sobs, asked the name of that song.
“That one’s called “I love it when you cry when I f*** you in the arse”.
“ Look” said the manager, “I’ll take you on but only if you just play and don’t say a word whilst you perform”
“That’ll ****ing do me” said the pianist.
First night, the bar was crammed and the pianist was a huge success. His music was seductive and hypnotizing. Women were dragging their men into dark corners for dirty deeds. In the front row a beautiful lady had hiked up her dress and her fingers were busy between her thighs. The pianist couldn’t take his eyes off her and when he ended his set he rushed to the Gents for a ****. Just as he was finishing, the bar manager rapped on the stall door. “Hurry up. They’re all shouting for an encore” The pianist hurriedly got himself together and played one more song. As he left the stage to great applause, he noticed the beautiful lady at the bar and approached her. She looked him up and down and remarked.
“Do you know your fly’s open and there’s sperm dripping onto your shoes?”
“Know it ?” exclaimed the pianist, “I ****ing wrote it”.
“See that notice in the window? That’s my job. My ****ing job. If you don’t take me on you’re a ****ing idiot”.
The manager looked at him and said “Well why don’t you play something and I’ll think about it”. So the pianist played and he was brilliant. The bar manager was in tears by the end of the song.
“That was fantastic. What’s the song called?”
“I call that one “You don’t sweat much for a fat bird” replied the pianist.
“Oh” said the bar manager. “Emm do you have anything else?
“****ing sure I do “ said the pianist and began to play. Again it was sublime. The bar manager, through sobs, asked the name of that song.
“That one’s called “I love it when you cry when I f*** you in the arse”.
“ Look” said the manager, “I’ll take you on but only if you just play and don’t say a word whilst you perform”
“That’ll ****ing do me” said the pianist.
First night, the bar was crammed and the pianist was a huge success. His music was seductive and hypnotizing. Women were dragging their men into dark corners for dirty deeds. In the front row a beautiful lady had hiked up her dress and her fingers were busy between her thighs. The pianist couldn’t take his eyes off her and when he ended his set he rushed to the Gents for a ****. Just as he was finishing, the bar manager rapped on the stall door. “Hurry up. They’re all shouting for an encore” The pianist hurriedly got himself together and played one more song. As he left the stage to great applause, he noticed the beautiful lady at the bar and approached her. She looked him up and down and remarked.
“Do you know your fly’s open and there’s sperm dripping onto your shoes?”
“Know it ?” exclaimed the pianist, “I ****ing wrote it”.
- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Doubled up. Sorry
Last edited by Westcliffspur on Fri May 12, 2023 11:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A man sees a sign in a window reading - Talking greyhound For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying b*stard. He's never been out of the garden!!
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying b*stard. He's never been out of the garden!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A whale washed up on the beach in Kent today. Most of the plates and cups were broken, but it was a nice gesture.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Had a policeman at my door this morning, he asked me “are you familiar with the letters HB?” I said “no I’m not”
“how about LS?” I said “no”
He said “what about JD?”
I said “hang about, am I a suspect or something?”
he said “no,these are just initial enquires”
“how about LS?” I said “no”
He said “what about JD?”
I said “hang about, am I a suspect or something?”
he said “no,these are just initial enquires”
- Plashet Grove Pete
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Nope .....cambridge hammer wrote: ↑Fri May 12, 2023 12:29 pm A whale washed up on the beach in Kent today. Most of the plates and cups were broken, but it was a nice gesture.
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