The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Arnold Layne
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Arnold Layne »

^ that was quick!
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Hammer.CA
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Post by Hammer.CA »

Arnold Layne wrote: Fri Oct 14, 2022 2:27 pm ^ that was quick!
You are the wife and I claim my £5!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

DP
Last edited by vietnammer on Fri Oct 14, 2022 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by vietnammer »

Hammer.CA wrote: Fri Oct 14, 2022 2:02 pm I’m off to New York tomorrow.
Im going to the Museum of Modern Art to throw sunflower oil on Warhol’s ‘Campbell’s Soup Tins’.
Just Stop Soup
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I met a microbiologist yesterday.

He was a lot taller than I had expected....................
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Post by Hammer.CA »

Wanted: someone to brush their teeth with me, because 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't help tooth decay.

No weirdos.
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Post by Hammer.CA »

I’ve just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

The doctor said I’ve got feefiphobia.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Shabu »

Hammer.CA wrote: Wed Oct 26, 2022 9:48 pm I’ve just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

The doctor said I’ve got feefiphobia.
This is brilliant :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

My four year old neice asked me "where does poo come from?"

"Well," I said, "when you put some food in your mouth and swallow it, the food goes down to your tummy. Then your body takes out all the good stuff that it needs and send the rest of it to your bottom, and when you go to the toilet it comes out as poo".

I could almost see the cogs going round as she tried to process this new information. Finally she looked at me with a quizzical look on her face and said: "And what about Tigger?".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I got so sick of the trick or treaters this evening that I turned the lights off and pretended I wasn't in.
Stuff the ships, my lighthouse, my rules.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Just bought my niece a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.
Its really good value as it comes with Aldi kings horses & Aldi Kings men
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

SCOTSMAN
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction ..
"85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied
.
"85! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Wit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to 40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the
other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman."
"Can ye confirm an appointment for my wife next Tuesday then?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggs'n'nuts »

This isn't the same Scotsman that was on top of The Empire building and accidentally dropped a one cent coin over the side?

He ran down the stairs to retrieve it and it hit him on the head.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

No, different bloke. This one fell off the Empire State Building, as he went past each floor he said “so far so good, so far so good….”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggs'n'nuts »

Fair enough.

I always get those two mixed up.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

One of my friends had strobe lights installed in his bedroom.

He said the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Pete647580 »

Q: What does it take to think the unthinkable?





A: An itheberg.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I saw a scarecrow doing a puzzle on a mobile phone today.

I thought to myself crikey it's Wordle Gummidge
Last edited by ageing hammer on Sun Nov 06, 2022 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I'm at the airport and there is a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel.

She is slowly coming round.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

BREAKING NEWS!

Boy George has been attacked by a lizard on ‘I’m a Celebrity’.

They should have got a calmer chameleon...
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