The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Monkeybubbles wrote: Thu Nov 24, 2022 9:17 pm POLICEMAN: "Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do?"

MINER: "Mine".
was it a Morris miner
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

Went to the printers earlier. Told the guy on the counter i need a 2 metre A,.a two metre S and a 2 metre K.  I need them by tomorrow.


He said I'll see what I can do.but that's a big ask.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

Did you know, that pigeons die after sex?























Well, the one I ****ed did, anyway.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggs'n'nuts »

S-H.

Wrong, but f**king funny!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

My dentist is offering 50% off teeth cleaning today.
Its plaque Friday.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

I cannot help thinking Qatar are the worst hosts since Fred and Rose West.
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Post by Hammer.CA »

Paddy's walking through Soho when a lady that provides horizontal refreshment says “would you like to sleep with me for £100? ”Paddy says “well I'm not very tired but to be honest I could certainly use the money”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I was walking past the local newspaper office today when a man in a suit dashed out and hit me on the head with a rolled up newspaper.
“Oi, what did you do that for?” I said to him
“I’m the editor” he said.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

Police in Essex were called out this morning when a man attempted a robbery armed only with a picture of a firearm.

A police spokesman said, "Thankfully we have a suspect in custody and we hope in future criminals will think twice about drawing a gun."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Shabu »

Westcliffspur wrote: Mon Nov 28, 2022 8:07 pm Police in Essex were called out this morning when a man attempted a robbery armed only with a picture of a firearm.

A police spokesman said, "Thankfully we have a suspect in custody and we hope in future criminals will think twice about drawing a gun."
No disrespect, mate, but this joke would be better with "portrait of a firearm"....

I think :chin:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

What do you call chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by chelmsfordhammer91 »

Shabu wrote: Tue Nov 29, 2022 5:45 am No disrespect, mate, but this joke would be better with "portrait of a firearm"....

I think :chin:
Still wouldn't work, he was framed.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

pablo jaye wrote: Thu Dec 01, 2022 8:39 am What do you call chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Off page 1??? Outrageous.....

My car wouldn't start this morning. I opened the Bonnet & there was a bat sitting on top of my engine.
"Morning sir" he said "My, what a handsome chap you are & that suit is stunning, it really looks good on you."
Well at least now I know the problem with the car....

Bat Flattery
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

......and the bat said "do you need a lift?"

"Yes please" I replied

"Your hair looks great. The world's your oyster. Just do it".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Monkeybubbles wrote: Mon Dec 12, 2022 9:09 am ......and the bat said "do you need a lift?"

"Yes please" I replied

"Your hair looks great. The world's your oyster. Just do it".
I must confess I saw you had replied & thought I was in repeat hot water :winker:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.
I've just taken the lead.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Chicken Run Supreme »

How will King Charles be signing his Christmas cards ?
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

It took me nearly 10 minutes this morning to scrape all the global warming off my car windows.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Shabu »

Hammer.CA wrote: Fri Dec 16, 2022 3:37 pm It took me nearly 10 minutes this morning to scrape all the global warming off my car windows.
Sometimes, you have to wonder about people...
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