The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Taylor 75
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Taylor 75 »

I got a dog from the Blacksmith. Its already made a bolt for the door.
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'stone hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by 'stone hammer »

Some women actually turn into good drivers.

If you're a good driver, look out for turning women.
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DM
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DM »

Hammer.CA wrote: Sun Jul 10, 2022 4:04 pm A geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm.
The hairdresser replied,
“I wandered lernly as a clood”
I laughed far too much at that 😃
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Toulouse_Iron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Toulouse_Iron »

This bloke come up to me, and said...
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Haarlemammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

Do I go around appointing too many people into judicial positions?
I'll let you be the judge of that...
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claretnbleu
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by claretnbleu »

After 25 years of marriage, George's wife has lost all interest in sex.
He finally decides to visit a prostitute, but out of love for his missus he makes a special request..
"If I give you an extra £20, can I shag you with my big toe? It'll ease my sexual frustration but I won't feel like I've cheated on my wife"
She agrees, George goes through the motions and leaves a happy man.
2 days later, George is in the bath and notices a nasty, putrid scab on his big toe.
He hobbles to the doctors and bursts through the door..
"Dr, you've got to help me. I think I've got VD on my big toe !!"
"well consider yourself lucky" replied the Dr.
"I saw a young lady this morning with athletes c*#t !!!!
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PF.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by PF. »

I've got a job interview at Old McDonalds Farm on Monday.

The job title is CIEIO.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Toulouse_Iron wrote: Wed Jul 13, 2022 1:32 am This bloke come up to me, and said...



Let me guess " your hearing aids need new batteries "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I’ve just had a bath in creosote.

I thought I’d treat myself.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A man in a restaurant orders 2 beefburgers and a sausage.

Ten minutes later the waitress returns with a burger under each armpit.

He asks her "why are you carrying the 2 burgers under your armpits. "

She replied " I'm keeping them warm for you. "


He replied " well in that case you can cancel the ****ing sausage "
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Suffolk Iron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Suffolk Iron »

Steve and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Steve quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Steve goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Steve couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Steve puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Steve puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Steve is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.?
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Croydon
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Croydon »

Hammer.CA wrote: Sun Jul 10, 2022 4:04 pm A geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm.
The hairdresser replied,
“I wandered lernly as a clood”
Can ya explain that one to me?
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Shabu
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Shabu »

Croydon wrote: Tue Jul 19, 2022 4:52 pm Can ya explain that one to me?
Say POEM in a Geordie accent
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Croydon
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Croydon »

Haha, gotcha :newthumb:
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar.
After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes back to her place for dinner and then sex.
The next morning, the Panda gets up and walks towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!".

Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.

She shows him the definition:

PROSTITUTE. ….. a person who performs sexual services for money.



The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.

He shows her the definition: PANDA BEAR….. Eats shoots and leaves.
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EssexIron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by EssexIron »

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the ****ing bitch stole ma wallet."
Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

More sad news to report,

Today we lost the inventor of the protractor.

He's with the angles now.
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OFT
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

Eric Dyer and Harry kane break into a distillery and sample the goods.
Is this whisky asks Eric?
Yerh said Harry, but not ath whisky ath wobbing a bank
Last edited by OFT on Mon Jul 25, 2022 11:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the lads."

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the shots were going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing she will probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible ear bashing from her.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates...

St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"...

Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...

St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"...

Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence...

Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"...

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground...

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"...?

"Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode"...

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster...

"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...?

"Never" said Ralph...

"Well, just cluck twice and then push"...

Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg...

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming...

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****ting the bed again!"
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