The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago, it only seems like yesterday.
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hammer etc
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer etc »

I bought Insect Farm Simulator on early release. I wish I'd waited, it's so full of bugs.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I asked my mate why he was wearing a baseball cap made out of Bread.
He said "Doctors orders, He insisted I went on a loaf hat diet"
Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Duck billed platypus.

Platypus paid duck.
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Shabu
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Shabu »

My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

Then the Librarian shouted "Get that thing out of there"
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Alan Pardew's Dad
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Alan Pardew's Dad »

Every day, without fail, I go from house to house telling people about the benefits of exercise.

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness because I do it religiously.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I took a job as a postman recently...........I thought to myself that it was better than walking the streets.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

My mate Iain went to the opticians the other day.
He was surprised to discover he has one eye bigger than the other.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by BalaamBoy »

Hammer.CA wrote: Sun Mar 26, 2023 2:12 am My mate Iain went to the opticians the other day.
He was surprised to discover he has one eye bigger than the other.
I know this problem all too well.

And yet you'd be surprised how many people think my big eye is an 'L' - I mean, who (apart from neil out of the Young Ones) spells their name without a capital letter at the beginning?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dieter Eckstein »

I’m in a dispute with my neighbour over who owns the concrete patio behind our flats. It’s a bit of a grey area
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Oldun »

What do you call a magician who can’t do magic anymore ?

Ian .
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

I asked a married woman for a date once, but she said no because I have a face like the back a boat. I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

pablo jaye wrote: Tue Mar 28, 2023 9:56 pm I asked a married woman for a date once, but she said no because I have a face like the back a boat. I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look.
Did she deck you or give you a broadside :grin:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by djbubbles »

Irish courtroom

Mick, you are charged with beating your wife to death with a claw hammer. Theres a shout from Paddy at the back of the courtroom ' b*stard'.
Mick you are also charged with beating your mother in law with a claw hammer. Paddy shouts out ' YA ****ing b*stard'.
Judge to Paddy. Another word out of you and i'll charge you with contempt of court. What is your problem?
Paddy Im his next door neighbour and ive called several times to him asking to borrow his hammer, but he kept saying he hasnt got one
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IABATAC
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by IABATAC »

ageing hammer wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 2:07 pm Did she deck you or give you a broadside :grin:
Take a......wait for it, wait for it.....bow.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

IABATAC wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 5:22 pm Take a......wait for it, wait for it.....bow.
I bet she took the wind out of your sails :crossed:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Shabu »

ageing hammer wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 9:27 pm I bet she took the wind out of your sails :crossed:
He's a wreck now
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IABATAC
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by IABATAC »

ageing hammer wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 9:27 pm I bet she took the wind out of your sails :crossed:
I feel like I've been to hull and back.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

All the above are better than some of the jokes :smiler:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

Proper one liners
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