The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
last.caress
Star Raid-er
Posts: 16729
Joined: Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:38 pm
Location: Eyes that shine, burnin' red. Dreams of you all through my head.
Has liked: 1224 likes
Total likes: 1645 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by last.caress »

Hammer.CA wrote: Wed Jun 22, 2022 8:36 am My favourite Billy Ocean song is
‘Love really H R T S’
I've been angsting over this one for two weeks and I've finally got it. :oops: :crossed:
User avatar
OFT
Posts: 21543
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
Has liked: 2995 likes
Total likes: 1758 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

last.caress wrote: Thu Jul 07, 2022 6:10 pm I've been angsting over this one for two weeks and I've finally got it. :oops: :crossed:
I've given up on it . :oops:
User avatar
pablo jaye
Posts: 11229
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
Location: Somewhere massive!
Has liked: 2563 likes
Total likes: 926 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

OFT wrote: Fri Jul 08, 2022 11:11 am I've given up on it . :oops:

What’s the next line in the song?
User avatar
Shabu
Posts: 11941
Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2020 6:38 am
Location: San Diego, CA
Has liked: 4166 likes
Total likes: 2019 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Shabu »

pablo jaye wrote: Fri Jul 08, 2022 11:18 am What’s the next line in the song?
Image
User avatar
OFT
Posts: 21543
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
Has liked: 2995 likes
Total likes: 1758 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

: nope, still not with it. :oops:
User avatar
pablo jaye
Posts: 11229
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
Location: Somewhere massive!
Has liked: 2563 likes
Total likes: 926 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Just started reading a book called “Swimming The English Channel” by Francis Near
User avatar
OFT
Posts: 21543
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
Has liked: 2995 likes
Total likes: 1758 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

Ah! at last. The Billy Ocean one,,,
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

OFT wrote: Sat Jul 09, 2022 10:11 am Ah! at last. The Billy Ocean one,,,
:crylol:
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

A guy who suffered back pain was advised by his doctor to stand for 3 hours a day for two weeks.
Two weeks later the guy visited his doctor who asked him if he had stood for 3 hours every single day as instructed.
The guy said no, he was only able to stand for 2 hours a day.
The doctor said he understood.
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
Posts: 31673
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
Has liked: 621 likes
Total likes: 580 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

OFT wrote: Sat Jul 09, 2022 10:11 am Ah! at last. The Billy Ocean one,,,
24 hours for me. Is this a record?
User avatar
OFT
Posts: 21543
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
Has liked: 2995 likes
Total likes: 1758 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

vietnammer wrote: Sat Jul 09, 2022 10:46 am 24 hours for me. Is this a record?
No, this is a record
Image


Best part of 3 weeks for me :oops:
User avatar
pablo jaye
Posts: 11229
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
Location: Somewhere massive!
Has liked: 2563 likes
Total likes: 926 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

I took a girl out for an exotic meal one night. I had the pelican curry. It was pretty good, but the bill was enormous.
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Bloke walked into my local pub wearing a black shirt and black shorts and was holding a whistle.
I said to my mate “I think it's about to kick off in here”
User avatar
Rio
Ronnie Biggs was here
Posts: 25987
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2002 1:29 pm
Location: Reykjavik comma Iceland full stop
Has liked: 159 likes
Total likes: 1080 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rio »

I executed a mini bus full of female impersonators on the way to the F1 at Silverstone last week. All part of the Drag Reductiom System
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

A geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm.
The hairdresser replied,
“I wandered lernly as a clood”
User avatar
Joyeux Marteau
Posts: 996
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:19 pm
Location: ‘Nam, Gloucestershire
Has liked: 83 likes
Total likes: 72 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Joyeux Marteau »

What starts with a “W” and ends with a “T”.
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1474 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I had a job circumsizing elephants.

The pay was small but the tips were enormous...
User avatar
hammer etc
Posts: 2797
Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:37 pm
Has liked: 5 likes
Total likes: 106 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer etc »

Joyeux Marteau wrote: Mon Jul 11, 2022 10:33 am What starts with a “W” and ends with a “T”.
It certainly does.
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1474 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

hammer etc wrote: Tue Jul 12, 2022 12:27 am It certainly does.
It starts with an I :winker:
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
Posts: 3242
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
Total likes: 42 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

A long gag, but stick with it….

A good looking guy goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with just one problem, he kept winking at the camera.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I'm afraid we won't able to hire you unless you get it under control."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done."

"Alright, show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pockets for the aspirin.

First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colours before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He then took the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.

The interviewer was very impressed and said, "That's amazing and I'd hire you on the spot. However we have very strong Christian Ethics at this station and we're not in the habit of hiring sleep-around types that will jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat.”

"Excuse me" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, and NOT a sleep-around type of guy!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man sighed and replied, "Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy and asking for a packet of aspirin whilst winking all the time….
Post Reply