The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Lester Pigott's funeral is at Doncaster on Friday at 10/1
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Post by Hammer.CA »

Lots of towns have initials that are also abbreviations,
East Grinstead for example.
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Post by Hammer.CA »

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the Receipt of the Jedi.
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Post by Hammer.CA »

I learned 2 things last night,
1. I’m not very good at playing the drums.
2. My neighbour has Tourettes.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Whitters »

I was at a gym class with Mick Jagger the other day, but he got kicked out after accidently exposing his manhood during one particular physical exercise routine

It was a Jumpin' Jack Flash
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

Dog owners of BORDER COLLIES are reminded to keep there pets in doors or the confines of their property today (Friday)
This due to it being a Ban Collie Day
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

My God Jevs that certainly qualifies as a crap joke :rofl:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A bloke's boss in work asks him " do you believe in life after death"

The bloke says "certainly not there's no proof of it"

The boss replies " well there is now, 'cos after you left early yesterday to go to your uncles funeral he came in here looking for you"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A worker sees his boss pull up outside his job in a brand new Porsche.

He said to his boss "wow that's a top of the range model it must have cost a small fortune "

His boss replied " yep sure did, you know if you are prepared to put in 150% effort a day working 12 hour days and bring some work home at the weekend in ten years from now I could get one of these for my missus too."
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Post by Hammer.CA »

I’ve just been to the doctor’s,he said "You have the same disease as the girl in Airplane”

I said "Oh my God - what is it?"

He said "It's a movie starring Leslie Neilsen, but that's not important right now."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

While on the balcony the Queen was told Andrew was in bed with Covid 19.

She replied " still young but at least she's legal this time "
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Post by ageing hammer »

A man sat next to me on a bus yesterday and showed me a picture of his wife and said isn't she beautiful.

I said "if you think she is beautiful you should see my wife"

He said " why is she a stunner? "

I replied " No mate she's an optician"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

A mute Roman walks into a bar and holds up 3 fingers for 6 beers.

He gets 4
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Post by Monkeybubbles »

The ever fragrant Mrs Monkeybubbles was in the kitchen this morning, cooking breakfast, when I heard a loud crashing noise. I rushed in and found her lying on the floor, unresponsive and barely breathing. I didn't know what to do and I panicked a bit. Then I remembered that Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for just £3.99.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I went to my local hardware shop this morning and asked for a bottle of methylated spirits and the bloke behind the counter said "No chance, I know what you're like, you'll be straight in the park sat on a bench swigging it down".
I said "No I wont, I’ve just finished decorating and I need to clean my brushes"
He said "Okay fair enough" and gave me a bottle, I said “can you make sure it’s a cold one please”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Plashet Grove Pete »

vietnammer wrote: Sat Jun 11, 2022 2:45 pm A mute Roman walks into a bar and holds up 3 fingers for 6 beers.

He gets 4
OK, this is annoying me now. Can someone please explain?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sussexhammer74 »

I read it as he held up two fingers on one hand and one finger on the other. Depending on your point of view you would see the following:-

V I = 6

I V = 4
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Plashet Grove Pete »

sussexhammer74 wrote: Wed Jun 15, 2022 4:53 pm I read it as he held up two fingers on one hand and one finger on the other. Depending on your point of view you would see the following:-

V I = 6

I V = 4
Thank you Sussex. I think.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by chelmsfordhammer91 »

Someone put laxative in my holy water.

Now I'm starting a religious movement
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

I just saw Adam Ant buying an ice cream.

He asked for a standard vanilla.
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