The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[OFT]

MonkeyB

[Puff Daddy]

Talking of Olly Gonner Solksjaer. Apparently, he's just bought a new car. It's a Land Rover Defender. He could do with four of those

[uptonparkhurst]

I got woken up this morning by the thunderous noise of an aeroplane passing close overhead.
The whole house shook.
"WTF was that!?" I thought.
Then I looked at the clock: 7:47..

[Dover KUMB fan]

Went to see a UB40 tribute band last night called WD40.
They were clearly a bit rusty at first, but they loosened up & got going as the night went on.

[S-H]

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a bank to cash a cheque. At the counter, the cashier asks for his ID.

Solskjaer:"Ah, I didn't bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, manager of Manchester United”.

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring regarding fraud I really have to see some ID"

Solskjaer: "Look, you can just ask anyone here and they'll confirm who I am. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "OK, I shouldn't do this but there is a way around the problem. One day, Tiger Woods came in without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter, dinked the ball across the bank lobby and made the ball stop dead on a five pound note. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where he bounced the ball off all four walls and landed it in my tea mug. With that, we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”

[Monkeybubbles]

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a bank to cash a cheque. At the counter, the cashier asks for his ID.

Solskjaer:"Ah, I didn't bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, manager of Manchester United”.

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring regarding fraud I really have to see some ID"

Solskjaer: "Look, you can just ask anyone here and they'll confirm who I am. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "OK, I shouldn't do this but there is a way around the problem. One day, Tiger Woods came in without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter, dinked the ball across the bank lobby and made the ball stop dead on a five pound note. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where he bounced the ball off all four walls and landed it in my tea mug. With that, we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”

[Dover KUMB fan]

Ole Gunnar Sol.......
Nah sod that!

[Monkeybubbles]

My wife gave me an envelope marked "not to be opened until 2024". Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

[Shabu]

My wife gave me an envelope marked "not to be opened until 2024". Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

:lol:

[sussexhammer74]

I heard a rumour that Liverpool are looking for a new manager. Apparently Jürgen and his family moved back to Germany. I heard it from a scouser in a pub, he was saying that the Klopps went back last weekend.

[el pato]

:lol:

[btajim - mcfc]

Sergeant: Private Davies? I didn’t see you at camouflage training earlier!
Private: Thank you, Sergeant!

[Hammer.CA]

Little Red Riding Hood has been found in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilised her condition but she's not out of the woods yet.

[Monkeybubbles]

The CEO of Ikea has just been elected prime minister in Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.

[Jonesy9]

I wonder if the two Spuds fans who bought club shirts that read Hurri Kane when they were walking together have now replaced them with Kane Toad now that he's downed tools.

[Hammer.CA]

There’s a strange new trend at our office, people putting names on food in the company fridge.
Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

[Hammer.CA]

I’ve just bought my wife a GET BETTER SOON card.
She’s not sick, I just think she could be better.

A bucket on a rope, that usually goes down well.

[Hammer.CA]

What a terrible night I’ve had, I dreamt that something bit me on the neck.
Then I got up to check and the mirror wasn't working!

[pablo jaye]

I'm a big fan of PG Wodehouse but if you like your comedy a bit racier I recommend 18 Wodehouse.

[-DL-]

I bought a new guard dog yesterday, and it keeps letting everyone in!

It's a English Border Collie...