The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by -DL- »

It's a difficult one so far as kids are concerned. I didn't have the best upbringing, and the biggest life skill I ever learned from my parents was how not to bring up your kids and how not to treat them.

I also lost contact with my elder ones when their mum moved away with a much older bloke, and I never knew where they were - something I think that she regrets now, though she will never admit it. I was living in Essex at the time, and they all went down to Dorset, and she expected me to still see them every weekend, despite it not always possible with work, and carry on like they were just around the corner. I still strongly suspect that a lot of the unreasonableness was this blokes doing, but there wasn't much I could do with a full time job that involved me working at least one day most weekends, sometimes both, plus the fact there was no way on earth, despite what she said, I had the finances to drive over 600 miles each weekend there and back to bring them back to Essex then return them. She didn't drive, nor did her fella, so it was all down to me.

In the end, she cut me off completely when they moved house down there, and there was a long gap of not seeing them. I got the hassle from her and later on also from the kids, with the age old question of why I didn't 'fight' more to see them, and the answer of 'speak to your mother and ask ask her why I had to fight at all' didn't always go down too well - but that was, in my opinion, where the ire ought to be directed. I never went down the road of criticising their mum to them, but by the same token, I didn't think she should have been allowed to get off the hook entirely, and I think it was a justified response to the question. Let the person that upped sticks and moved them away from their father that had regular contact explain why that stopped.

When the relationship did build back up with them, and they got older, I think they started to understand just what little say I had in the matter, and that the logistics of seeing them every week wasn't possible - and that it wasn't my choice to stop seeing them and their their mother was unwilling to compromise - plus of course the small matter of being influenced and controlled by an absolute anus of a man.

It is a head-f*** even to this day, and I wonder if I could have done more, but aside from giving in and changing jobs so I didn't have to work any weekends, and see them every week as she was demanding, I don't think their was. She wasn't even prepared to compromise and me see them monthly. It was weekly or nothing, and I then became the ogre as weekly just wasn't possible at the time - and I don't think that any reasonable person would have thought travelling from Grays to Shaftesbury and back twice each and every weekend was an acceptable solution.

I guess I'm now in a position to show my daughter at least, the sort of parent I could have been when they were small kids, via my grandson that's due in July.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Samba »

Bloody powerful stuff on this thread. :newthumb:
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by rigoberts song »

Yes an incredible posts that I can relate to not having contact with my daughters.
Glad there's a happy ending for DL.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by fjthegrey »

My son is 10 weeks old and I feel guilty when I look away from him for 10 seconds to check my phone.

Nothing to worry about, just a bit of a genetic software that forces you to healthily examine your choices.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Samba »

fjthegrey wrote: Wed Jan 05, 2022 9:44 am My son is 10 weeks old and I feel guilty when I look away from him for 10 seconds to check my phone.

Nothing to worry about, just a bit of a genetic software that forces you to healthily examine your choices.
You're far better than those c*nts on their phones all day that spend 10 seconds looking at their child.
If that.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by ChzMff »

It probably sounds really obvious but it's incredible how much influence your upbringing and parents have on your adult self. I was really fortunate in that both my parents were together, I had 3 other brothers and while we were not rich by any stretch of the imagination, we did not go without either. It was for all intents and purposes, a very normal childhood. My wife on the other hand had the exact opposite and I see more and more in her actions and thought patterns as our kids get older the impact that had on her.

I've posted on this thread a couple of times in the past and not sure this falls under the mental health bracket but I'm really struggling with sleep at the moment. It kicked off about 3 weeks ago and tends to see me wake up after 2 -3 hours kip and in the main, not go back until the following night. I toss and turn, I get frustrated and now I've just been going downstairs and watching TV. Home life is fairly stressful but by no means at the worst it has been. Work is fine, no issues there. I barely get any time to myself but I think that's par the course with 2 kids under 3. And I try to do all the things that crop up like exercise, avoid screen time and read. I have no problem nodding off - I am absolutely shattered most of the time - it's just when I wake, I can't go back. Any suggestions?
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by last.caress »

ChzMff wrote: Wed Jan 05, 2022 7:53 pm And I try to do all the things that crop up like exercise, avoid screen time and read. I have no problem nodding off - I am absolutely shattered most of the time - it's just when I wake, I can't go back. Any suggestions?
I've found myself up and about in the dead of night for a multitude of reasons down the years. Depression, anxiety attacks, terrifying nightmares, leg cramps back when I did a lot of speed, needing the toilet two or three times a night if I was ignoring my diabetes. It's not generally recommended to put the telly on but I found it helped me to nod back off if I stuck something on which was difficult and dull to follow; for instance, I'd stick on a foreign melodrama with the sound down to a murmur and the subtitles switched off. I couldn't just sit there in the pitch black silence trying to get back off to sleep. That wouldn't work for me at all. Even in the best of circumstances I have to go to bed with some sort of comfort telly on as opposed to just switching the lights off and trying to just... sleep. How do people do that? I've no idea.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

ChzMff wrote: Wed Jan 05, 2022 7:53 pm

I've posted on this thread a couple of times in the past and not sure this falls under the mental health bracket but I'm really struggling with sleep at the moment. It kicked off about 3 weeks ago and tends to see me wake up after 2 -3 hours kip and in the main, not go back until the following night. I toss and turn, I get frustrated and now I've just been going downstairs and watching TV. Home life is fairly stressful but by no means at the worst it has been. Work is fine, no issues there. I barely get any time to myself but I think that's par the course with 2 kids under 3. And I try to do all the things that crop up like exercise, avoid screen time and read. I have no problem nodding off - I am absolutely shattered most of the time - it's just when I wake, I can't go back. Any suggestions?

You've not said whether you drink alcohol before bedtime - that can have the effect of knocking you out for 2-3 hours then you're awake and can't get back to sleep .
Are you coming off medication - that can interfere with sleep / quality of sleep .

The obvious one is stress and worry - is there something that's bothering you in particular - if it concerns your partner it's best to have an honest face to face chat with her so as to sort things out , be honest but explain whatever it is calmly and clearly .

It's important for you BOTH to have time to yourselves , why not arrange it between the two of you - why not begin by suggesting your partner goes out with her mates one night then the following week it could be your turn or get a baby sitter in and go out together ?


Reading is better than watching TV for getting back to sleep - A kindle might be better than a physical book as it won't disturb your partner with page turning - if you're worried about something it's best getting up and watching TV .
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by OFT »

ChzMff wrote: Wed Jan 05, 2022 7:53 pm I've posted on this thread a couple of times in the past and not sure this falls under the mental health bracket but I'm really struggling with sleep at the moment. It kicked off about 3 weeks ago and tends to see me wake up after 2 -3 hours kip and in the main, not go back until the following night. I toss and turn, I get frustrated and now I've just been going downstairs and watching TV. Home life is fairly stressful but by no means at the worst it has been. Work is fine, no issues there. I barely get any time to myself but I think that's par the course with 2 kids under 3. And I try to do all the things that crop up like exercise, avoid screen time and read. I have no problem nodding off - I am absolutely shattered most of the time - it's just when I wake, I can't go back. Any suggestions?
last.caress wrote: Wed Jan 05, 2022 8:41 pm I've found myself up and about in the dead of night for a multitude of reasons down the years. Depression, anxiety attacks. It's not generally recommended to put the telly on but I found it helped me to nod back off if I stuck something on which was difficult and dull to follow; for instance, I'd stick on a foreign melodrama with the sound down to a murmur and the subtitles switched off. I couldn't just sit there in the pitch black silence trying to get back off to sleep. That wouldn't work for me at all. Even in the best of circumstances I have to go to bed with some sort of comfort telly on as opposed to just switching the lights off and trying to just... sleep. How do people do that? I've no idea.
Been an ongoing and increasing problem for me. Some nights I get in bed and fall asleep very quickly and wake after a couple of hours , but lately I can't even get to sleep at all. I start thinking about stuff, all manner of stuff, mainly related to why I feel so rotten and wondering which particular internal organ is going through the gradual process of killing me. End up on the sofa with the TV on, which almost every time gets me to sleep. It's not 'good' sleep, it's disturbed and restless sleep, which is definitely not good for you. If I've had a nap later in the day I often don't bother going to bed at all.
It's now become 'a thing', I actually want to stay up watching the TV rather than go through the dark thoughts that to be fair, have been with me, on and off for many years. Eventually I consult my GP and so far each time tests etc. have proved it's in my head , this time it feels 'different' but then I suppose it always does.
Gone off beam a little there, the 'not sleeping' in bed thing has become a habit, a lifestyle if you like, don't know how to stop it now. Maybe time for a different prescription.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Joyeux Marteau »

I’ve been struggling with sleep for a few months now.

Just don’t know how people do it.

I’ve been thinking of setting up a new thread, do you guys think that might help?
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by -DL- »

Joyeux Marteau wrote: Thu Jan 06, 2022 8:53 pm
I’ve been thinking of setting up a new thread, do you guys think that might help?
If SH posts in it regularly, it will be enough to send even the worst insomniac to sleep.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by westham,eggyandchips »

Joyeux Marteau wrote: Thu Jan 06, 2022 8:53 pm I’ve been struggling with sleep for a few months now.

Just don’t know how people do it.

I don't think there's an exact science to the perfect night's sleep JM.

Personally, a comfy bed, not drinking too much alcohol and not eating late helps me. Its finding what helps you though. :newthumb:
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Upminster Hammer »

Joyeux Marteau wrote: Thu Jan 06, 2022 8:53 pm I’ve been struggling with sleep for a few months now.

Just don’t know how people do it.

I’ve been thinking of setting up a new thread, do you guys think that might help?
I struggle from time to time, but its the fear of not being able to sleep that really gets me. I will be fine then realise that i should be going to bed and then start to get anxious that i won't be able to sleep.

Not drinking certainly helps with the quality of sleep, comfy bed and pillows also helps, other than that try and exercise and I find a window open in the bedroom helps as it lets fresh air in.

A lot of people i know have said the Calm App is good, I have not tried it though.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by EastBrisHammer »

Joyeux Marteau wrote: Thu Jan 06, 2022 8:53 pm I’ve been struggling with sleep for a few months now.

Just don’t know how people do it.

I’ve been thinking of setting up a new thread, do you guys think that might help?
One caution about exercise. I find it best to do the exercise earlier in the day otherwise I'm so bloody wired by it I can't sleep. I find an evening run or bike ride can keep me awake until 2am!!!
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by S-H »

Not drinking definitely helps.

CBD oil 4 drops under the tongue before bed

Intermittent fasting, for me anyway, always sleep better when I'm doing that.

Good luck with it.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Burnley Hammer »

White noise
Reading before bed
No caffeine after lunch
No alcohol (alcohol technically doesn't stop you falling asleep but it does cause more disturbed sleep)
Eye mask
Tart Cherry Extract
Melatonin (Technically not available to buy in this country but I managed to get some after a bit of searching)
Nytol (was actually originally developed as an antihistamine but caused drowsiness as a side-effect and so was re-marketed as a sleep aid)

The very best way though is to learn how to empty your mind of all worries when you go to bed. It takes practise. Luckily for me I'm very good at switching off and also at compartmentalising - and that's probably why I've never had much trouble sleeping. My missus is a natural worrier and as a result struggles with sleep because she can't switch all those worries off when she goes to bed, no matter how trivial they are.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by pablo jaye »

I’ve found going back to a bit of advice that my mum always said to me when I couldn’t get to sleep when I was younger - and that was ‘think of something nice’.

I’d had various problems nodding off on a Sunday night (the old pre-Monday morning blues) and so thought I’d give it a go. I really used to enjoy watching my lad play rugby on a Sunday morning, so mentally used to relay the game in my head. It worked a treat and is something that I have continued to do .. completely clear my mind of everything except the nice thought.

I’ve also found other things like drinking alcohol/caffeine late didn’t work, reading does help … especially when I nod off and get woken immediately by the book hitting the floor!!
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Clacton-ammer »

If I'm struggling to get to sleep I imagine I am bowling in cricket, I look at the ball, set it up in my hand for swing etc, go through the run up and bowl the ball, I always take a wicket as I have that ball on a piece of string :D , do that a few times and I will drift off. Not saying use cricket, but something like that, same as counting sheep I guess.

care point: I tried being on the football pitch, going through a move and then scoring (everytime of course) for the massive WHU, this failed as I actually got pumped up instead, so choose the sport/action wisely :lol:
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Burnley Hammer »

Clacton-ammer wrote: Tue Jan 11, 2022 12:55 pm If I'm struggling to get to sleep I imagine I am bowling in cricket, I look at the ball, set it up in my hand for swing etc, go through the run up and bowl the ball, I always take a wicket as I have that ball on a piece of string :D , do that a few times and I will drift off. Not saying use cricket, but something like that, same as counting sheep I guess.
If I'm struggling to sleep I imagine that I'm watching cricket...
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by mushy »

:short:
Burnley Hammer wrote: Tue Jan 11, 2022 1:04 pm If I'm struggling to sleep I imagine that I'm watching cricket...
IF I'm struggling to sleep I try and imagine a VAR scenario with them trying to disallow one of our goals in as many ways as possible.
I'm normally back to sleep within 10 minutes even though Var still hasn't made a decision.
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