The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I think a lot of people in relationships know it's dead and gone but can't face the thought of a huge upheaval, change and the fact that what they've known for X amount of years is now gone. Some people class it as a kind of bereavement which I sort of understand, especially if you have kids. I know for me, the last two years of the relationship with my ex was this, but the thought of having to move out, find another gaff, forget every routine I'd known previously was just horrible, so I stuck it out for two years, knowing full well that there was nothing there.

Fortunately during that time, I met a great woman who was everything my ex wasn't. She had a great personality, great family and friends and was great fun to be with. Eventually I had to bite the bullet and move out of my gaff but wasn't sure I should move in with the new girlfriend so soon. Sadly that decision was made for me as she contracted stage three breast cancer almost a year to the day since we met. It was a week after my mum, uncle, and two cousins died, so was a pretty intense period of time. I'd moved out of my old gaff and was renting in a hellhole in Essex and getting very depressed about everything (not to mention caning the beer) so eventually decided to move in with my future wife. I'd seen her at absolute rock bottom, in the midst of chemo, going neutropenic and almost losing her, going with her every day for three weeks for radio therapy, and seeing her slowly recover from this horrible disease.

The point I'm trying to make is, if a relationship is over and deep down you know it, it's probably not worth trying to salvage it. There's someone out there who's more than likely gone through what you've been through and could be the perfect match so never lose heart thinking this is the end. I will say that it's probably easier to win the lottery than it is to meet your ideal partner, you'll both have to make compromises. It's all about how much you are willing to compromise. If something doesn't feel right then it usually isn't.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by OFT »

Thats some post GCRO.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by YorksHammer »

Great post GCRO. That first paragraph is almost exactly where I was before agreeing to separate from my ex. To the point I was kind of surprised that when we had The Talk she said she'd realised it about two weeks previously. For me, it had been a good year plus change, and across that period I'd tried to change things I did in order to make it work, but nothing had seemed to reconnect us. Wasn't helped by Covid and the lockdown(s) meaning that we couldn't really get out of the house on our own without the kids, I think. My biggest thing when I came to think about it was the impact not on me, but on the kids - the last thing I wanted to do was something that impacted them negatively.

Then it came to it, took me a couple of months to find somewhere to rent, and about 6-8 months to really deal with the end of it and put it in a box. Bless the current Mrs Yorks, she's handled a lot of that really well and helped pick me up from my lowest, as well as shown me what being in love and a healthy relationship actually looks like, something that I think over the years I'd really forgotten.

Every so often the box reopens and I have a little think about the relationship I had with my ex. The last time was actually yesterday evening, watching Everything Everywhere All At Once. Something just hit me about the alternate timelines thing, thinking about how life could have been different with different decisions made at various points. It's something that's always fascinated me, the 'what ifs'. And I think the whole thing had me thinking about a few of those, normally the same big ones come up for me which I look at as kind of 'key', but whereas 12 months ago I'd have probably wallowed within 15 minutes or so they'd all gone back to the box, safely locked up again. It's not going to be something I forget, you don't just lose thirteen years of life like that, but I can compartmentalise it a bit into a period of life that's now ended, and this is Yorks v2.0, who learnt a bunch of stuff during that period and is now happier and healthier because of that.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by simonpaulthomas »

I can emphasise with all of the above - after many discussions over the past few weeks with my now Ex Fiancé, it became clear that she’d been unhappy for about 3 years - just before our second son was born… a global pandemic and the world going to ****, mixed with no family support structure at all definitely exacerbated our problems, but it was mainly down to us just not being compatible anymore really - she’d felt that she’s “outgrown” me and wanted space to discover who she is, which I understand.

The hardest part at the moment is that we’re still living together and seeing each other every day whilst we sort out the living situation. I’ve stayed at Nate’s a few nights and we are both going to be doing that from next week so we’re not in each other’s pockets so much - we had a big row a few nights back as the tension just got too much, and I told her I still loved her and was finding it hard to be around when I know she just doesn’t want me anymore - I feel like a stranger in my own home and I hate being here. I also said that I had some hope that with some time apart we MIGHT be able to work things out in future, but she categorically said no to that, which was hard.

I know things will get better, and I’m already starting to look forward to whatever new life I have, but I’m also scared that at nearly 40, with 2 children, I won’t ever find someone else… definitely doesn’t help that right now I have no intentions for anyone but my Ex.

I have lost some weight though, so that’s good I guess!
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by S-H »

Nice one Simon, keep yourself busy mate, and I'm sure things will get easier in time.

Focus on yourself, your kids and the tattooing, and never say never.

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

YorksHammer wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 7:42 am Every so often the box reopens and I have a little think about the relationship I had with my ex. The last time was actually yesterday evening, watching Everything Everywhere All At Once. Something just hit me about the alternate timelines thing, thinking about how life could have been different with different decisions made at various points. It's something that's always fascinated me, the 'what ifs'. And I think the whole thing had me thinking about a few of those, normally the same big ones come up for me which I look at as kind of 'key', but whereas 12 months ago I'd have probably wallowed within 15 minutes or so they'd all gone back to the box, safely locked up again. It's not going to be something I forget, you don't just lose thirteen years of life like that, but I can compartmentalise it a bit into a period of life that's now ended, and this is Yorks v2.0, who learnt a bunch of stuff during that period and is now happier and healthier because of that.
Mate, you need to stop re-thinking that kind of thing. Why look back when you are moving forward? Regret is the most useless, negative emotion a human being can experience and it'll get you absolutely nowhere except backwards from where you are now. I've always said that if you've learned nothing from a past relationship then that relationship really was a waste of time and effort. If you've learned from your mistakes, take them mistakes on board and never make them again. Easier said than done I know, but it's a mantra that I now live by.

I still occasionally see my ex (she even came to a surprise 50th that my missus threw for me) and I've no regrets about that relationship being over. I'm in a far happier place than I've ever been as it sounds like you too are mate. Don't open the proverbial box again if you can help it, you're far better off not.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

simonpaulthomas wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 9:17 am I know things will get better, and I’m already starting to look forward to whatever new life I have, but I’m also scared that at nearly 40, with 2 children, I won’t ever find someone else… definitely doesn’t help that right now I have no intentions for anyone but my Ex.
Everybody goes through that mate, you're not alone and it's perfectly normal. I was the same too but you'd be surprised. There's other women out there going through exactly the same as you right now, thinking exactly the same. Just focus on what's important at the moment, once you're settled into a routine living away from your ex, then maybe start looking again. I will say, time spent on your own shouldn't be seen as something negative. I spent almost 18 months single and it was just what I needed after a nigh-on 18 year relationship with my ex. The last thing you want to do is throw yourself straight into another relationship. Take some time out to do what you want to do, go places you've wanted to go and get used to your own company. It's great for finding out who you really are.

I found that getting heavily tattooed was great therapy. Have you thought about getting tattooed at all? :crylol:
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by YorksHammer »

simonpaulthomas wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 9:17 amThe hardest part at the moment is that we’re still living together and seeing each other every day whilst we sort out the living situation. I’ve stayed at Nate’s a few nights and we are both going to be doing that from next week so we’re not in each other’s pockets so much - we had a big row a few nights back as the tension just got too much, and I told her I still loved her and was finding it hard to be around when I know she just doesn’t want me anymore - I feel like a stranger in my own home and I hate being here.
Can definitely relate to that, Simon - even now it feels weird being at the old house when I pick the kids up because for 12 years it was my (our, I suppose) house and the memories of that are there for me. At the start it was just too damn hard to be going back there, and when I'd get the kids early on a weekend morning they'd invariably never be ready so I'd end up having to hang around there for an hour or so and it was really hard, especially seeing as it was obvious I wasn't welcome as pictures came down or were replaced.

It'll heal a bit - it's still difficult now, but I decided to put my own boundaries in place there (I don't go upstairs, for example - not really sure why but that was harder for me) and that helped with coping with it.

The biggest argument we ended up having, aside from one of us finding out stuff from the kids that we probably should have been told by the other (I found out about her new partner through them, she found out about a plan to meet my new one more regularly than we'd agreed) was about the cat we had. She wanted me to feed it whenever she wasn't there but that was becoming 2-3 times a week and it was too much for me to go out of my way. I said as much and apparently she still considered the cat 'mine' even though it lived with her.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by btajim - mcfc »

I’ve got five tattoos. One is out of date (crest change) and I think it’s too complex to have removed.

My most recent is yma o hyd which is Welsh for still here. It represents beating bowel cancer last year but is also the name of a Welsh folk song that’s become an anthem at the football.

Don’t get anything you might regret.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

btajim - mcfc wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 1:29 pm I’ve got five tattoos. One is out of date (crest change) and I think it’s too complex to have removed.
Don't even think about getting it removed. I've got an old crest tattooed on my leg. It shows you've done the miles and especailly in your case, shows you're not a glory hunter.
Don’t get anything you might regret.
Do you mean a unicorn that looks like My Little Pony and a Viking that looks like he's got a pair of tits? That'd be me but now, thankfully covered up.

Got both done when I was 16 by a bloke called Ben Gunn from Chingford ... what a scratcher he was!
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Post by Tenbury »

I hear all the above.I'm happy that people can work things through.
My relationship is finished, but we both still live (by and large) completely separate lives in the same house. It helps that it's a massive house (though many rooms are 'work in progress' (derelict), and that she's out working 5 nights a week.
I could move out, but until my lad goes to Uni in 18 months, it's probably easier to stay here, and anyway where could I go?
If she fell for someone new, I spose that would change the dynamic( she's 18 years younger than me, but doesn't seem that bothered, probably waiting for me to croak).
It's not a great situation, but I don't think changing things would make it any better, I'm crap at relationships, and that's all there is to it. If there, was some ageing hippy sort that rolled cones, drank JD from the bottle and liked blues festivals, I might have a complete change of mind, but most of the women I come across are mankey old swamp donkeys who eat with their mouths open and watch Coronation St.
I don't envy people the love or sex, but the campanionship.. that's what I miss.
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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by btajim - mcfc »

I was on off for 18 months with her (she’d had a family issue that meant she was away most weekends) but a truly bizarre message from her one night made me know she was a time waster. The companionship I certainly agree with. I needed to get somewhere awkward for an appointment one day so she immediately offered to drive me. We put the world to rights on the journey and then stopped for lunch on the way back. I was completely happy and comfortable in her company. More so than any friend.

I do fall in love far too easily. I really like one of the barmaids in my local but it’s too soon to even think about it. Hopefully someone else will snap her up so I don’t have to think “what if” too much.

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Re: The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

Post by last.caress »

simonpaulthomas wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 9:17 am but I’m also scared that at nearly 40, with 2 children, I won’t ever find someone else
Don't worry yourself about this bit, mate. Honestly. Apart from it being something for much further down the road, it's simply not the case that being somewhere around the 40 mark with a couple of wee'uns makes you unattractive. Indeed, being a father who's been around the block and knows a few of the pitfalls will actually mark you out as a catch to many. I promise you, that's a stone cold fact.

As I say though, something for another time. :newthumb:
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Post by Samba »

btajim - mcfc wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 1:29 pm I’ve got five tattoos. One is out of date (crest change) and I think it’s too complex to have removed.
My most recent is yma o hyd which is Welsh for still here. It represents beating bowel cancer last year but is also the name of a Welsh folk song that’s become an anthem at the football.
Don’t get anything you might regret.
'West Ham United 2023 FA Cup Winners'
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Post by Samba »

Tenbury wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 5:27 pmmost of the women I come across are mankey old swamp donkeys who eat with their mouths open and watch Coronation St.
I've told you to avoid that dating website 'Swamp Donkeys R Us', Tenners..
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Post by Tenbury »

I think it's a West Midlands phenomenon, Mate, maybe down to air pollution.
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Post by btajim - mcfc »

Samba wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 10:49 pm 'West Ham United 2023 FA Cup Winners'
There’s a Blue who’s made the tabloids about three times with a Kaka tattoo or City Champions League winners etc. Its photoshopped and I’m assuming he gets paid.
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Post by Joyeux Marteau »

Thanks Ozza, I’ll think about doing that.

I need to contact the doctor about some other health issues first.

Just been a rubbish couple of weeks.
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Post by mushy »

Good luck and good mental health JM.
Keep us posted.
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Post by Samba »

Joyeux Marteau wrote: Mon Feb 27, 2023 8:59 pm Thanks Ozza, I’ll think about doing that.

I need to contact the doctor about some other health issues first.

Just been a rubbish couple of weeks.
Hope things pick up a bit soon, JM. :newthumb:
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