The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

[-DL-]

I'm a lot closer to my friends and family now.

Until the M20 is ****ed and I see the traffic and think 'nah, f*** that'

[Geordie Hammer]

I'm definitely not easy to live with I admit that but she just ****ing winds me up constantly.

It's getting to the stage where I need to do something about it but realise I'll be hurting myself here as well.

I can relate to that. I went through 12 years of this toxic cycle. She took advantage of my anxiety and knew how to press the buttons and then play innocent. I eventually left....and then ended up in an even more toxic and controlling relationship.

It's not easy and you have to do what is right for you. I've learnt the very simple rule: Look after number 1 ahead of everything else. It's not being selfish.

[Geordie Hammer]

Until the M20 is ****ed and I see the traffic and think 'nah, **** that'

Yeah there are some down sides to living where I do.....closer to DL

[-DL-]

Rude...

[HammerHatchet]

I'm definitely not easy to live with I admit that but she just ****ing winds me up constantly.

It's getting to the stage where I need to do something about it but realise I'll be hurting myself here as well.

You need to do what’s right for you

As much as it will hurt in the short term the long term is what is most important

[rigoberts song]

Sorry for delay in replying Samba I've had log in issues.
sending all my love hopes and prayers to you and your mum.

[pablo jaye]

Samba - thinking about you. All the best.

[Eggchaser]

Best wishes Samba

[ageing hammer]

Best wishes to you Samba thinking of you tonight

[mushy]

Is it possible to love someone but quite a lot of the time not like them??

I suppose it depends on what it is about her that you love. The problem came for me when the not liking part outweighed the love part to such an extent that i couldn't really remember why I loved her. Of course she had great attributes that I appreciated and loved (such as being a fantastic mother to my children) but it gradually came to the stage where I couldn't even see that obvious thing about her. Hatred can play silly games with your brain.
This isn't advice* I'm giving here by the way, it's just an anecdotal account of two people's marriage breakdown.
If I did have advice it would be simple and rather clichéd, don't rush into anything and try and remember all those things that made you fall in love.
Good luck mate.
*I'm clearly the last person that should be dishing out advice.
Take care all, and Samba, hope you are ok right now

[Samba]

Just got in. The Doc on the phone at 9 this morning said that mum was nearing the end of her last two hours.
Me & sister stayed until just before midnight & mum is still with us. We both have things on tomorrow morning that we have to do so had to make a decision; stay all night or go home. Really difficult to know. It could be now, 6, 12, 24, 36 hours... we just don't know. She is very peaceful at the moment. We said our goodbyes & said we'll see her again tomorrow. Now got to try to get some sleep; dreading another call but if it comes before we're back there anyway, we'll go right back & cancel everything else.
I wish it wasn't happening but what can any of us do? Just got to go through it. It's quite common I hear, dying. People have been doing it for thousands of years I believe, so it's not like it's a new thing..
Thank you so much for all of the kind messages, my fellow Hammers. They mean a great deal to me.

[SRXT]

A few weeks on and not everything feels grey like it did. In relation to meds, my advice to people has always been don't take them if exercise, meditation or anything else will help, try that first and see if it helps. I developed anxiety as a child and didn't go on meds until my early 20s but the above stuff helps but not enough it seems. Unfortunately medication seems to be the instant go to and the only go to in a lot of countries. It doesn't deal with the underlying issue.

Samba, waiting for 'that' call is a horrible thing. Dying is indeed a part of life, but doesn't make it any easier.

[White Goodman]

I suppose it depends on what it is about her that you love. The problem came for me when the not liking part outweighed the love part to such an extent that i couldn't really remember why I loved her. Of course she had great attributes that I appreciated and loved (such as being a fantastic mother to my children) but it gradually came to the stage where I couldn't even see that obvious thing about her. Hatred can play silly games with your brain.
This isn't advice* I'm giving here by the way, it's just an anecdotal account of two people's marriage breakdown.
If I did have advice it would be simple and rather clichéd, don't rush into anything and try and remember all those things that made you fall in love.
Good luck mate.
*I'm clearly the last person that should be dishing out advice.
Take care all, and Samba, hope you are ok right now

Thanks for the advice all.

Something rang true for me there Mushy, the bit about not actually remembering why I love her in the first place.

I suppose that might lead to the realisation (potentially something I've been getting to ) that I don't actually love her and I'm here due to the 15 year marriage and the kids

Way I look at it , if we didn't have the kids would I f*** off? Almost certainly.

That says quite a lot.

[Monkeybubbles]

Is it possible to love someone but quite a lot of the time not like them??

You're a West Ham fan.

But yes, totally it's possible. Love is nebulous and defies rules, and we follow it for a bunch of different reasons.

But, as they say, love is blind. It's sometimes difficult to look at it in perspective and see whether it's making you happy.

I'm a firm believer in making score lists when I'm confused. List all the good things, list all the bad things, score them out of ten, see how the numbers fall.

Apologies for condescension

[fjthegrey]

How do you go about forgiving someone?

I simply look inward, at the depressingly long list of all the stupid, terrible, pathetic, lowly, hurtful, thoughtless things I've done. From there, more often than not it doesn't seem like what the other person did is so bad, and you realise the fallibility of human beings generally.

It's also helpful to be lazy. Holding onto stuff is hard work. There are much more interesting things to be doing than wallowing in somebody else's mistake.

Failing that, read Sam Harris' book on free will, which essentially says that nobody is truly responsible for anything, we're just an incalculable sum of influences, all of which are beyond our control.

[Turns to Stone]

I'm thinking good thoughts for you, Samba!

As for forgiveness, I would say that traditionally, I have found it much harder to forgive myself than I did to forgive others. Once I was able to start forgiving myself for the things that I had done - it made it easier for me to understand what others were doing and why?

There are some things that are unforgiveable, but people have reasons for doing everything.

A girl I was seeing many years ago ended up going out with another bloke who we both worked with. It was incredibly awkward and I was unable to forgive her, mainly because of the damage it did to my ego more than anything else. When I begin thinking about it though, and chatting to mutual friends - I started to realise that it had actually been me that pushed her away. That tried to manipulate her to do the things I wanted to do. That made myself unavailable when I wanted to, and who tried to have a relationship on my terms and not on hers. She had put far more into it than I had, and I had been the one that caused it to end. Just because she had actually uttered the words 'it's over' and moved on, I saw her behaviour as unforgiveable...but really, I was the prick.

We all have reasons for doing things - and some (like Venkys situation are absolutely stonewallers), other times they can be simply misunderstandings, ora failure to communicate, bad decisions, whatever. I believe that most people deserve the chance to explain, and the chance to make it right though. Whether you are prepared to give them that chance, is probaby the answer to your question.

Hang in there, all!

[Mega Ron]

Thanks for the advice all.

Something rang true for me there Mushy, the bit about not actually remembering why I love her in the first place.

I suppose that might lead to the realisation (potentially something I've been getting to ) that I don't actually love her and I'm here due to the 15 year marriage and the kids

Way I look at it , if we didn't have the kids would I **** off? Almost certainly.

That says quite a lot.

It does mate. There is something to be said for staying for your kids, especially if you really value the time you spend with them.

[Turns to Stone]

Thanks for the advice all.

Something rang true for me there Mushy, the bit about not actually remembering why I love her in the first place.

I suppose that might lead to the realisation (potentially something I've been getting to ) that I don't actually love her and I'm here due to the 15 year marriage and the kids

Way I look at it , if we didn't have the kids would I **** off? Almost certainly.

That says quite a lot.

Whitey, I'm reluctant to share this as it may not be helpful and everyone's situation is different, but I grew up with parents who after about 10 years being together just started to despise each other. My brothers soon ****ed off to University and I was left with just the two of them sniping at each other and (often) taking their miserableness out on me. I'm sure that you and your wife are better at hiding things and not letting it spill into your parenting than mine were (this was the 90's after all) - but what I would say from a child's point of view is that it is usually better to have happy parents who are separated, than unhappy parents who are together.

Either way - you personally deserve to chase a little bit of happiness. And if you think that you can still be a good, involved Dad from an alternative setting to your current one, I think you should seriously consider it.

Hope you can find resolution one way or another, mate.

[Toulouse_Iron]

Samba: Thinking of you and yours, mate.
Everyone: proud of you all.

[Mega Ron]

I was unable to forgive her, mainly because of the damage it did to my ego more than anything else. When I begin thinking about it though, and chatting to mutual friends - I started to realise that it had actually been me that pushed her away. That tried to manipulate her to do the things I wanted to do. That made myself unavailable when I wanted to, and who tried to have a relationship on my terms and not on hers. She had put far more into it than I had, and I had been the one that caused it to end. Just because she had actually uttered the words 'it's over' and moved on, I saw her behaviour as unforgiveable...but really, I was the prick.

Wow.

That's me that is. I knew there was a reason I should be less of a prick about things and just accept and move on.