Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.
wolf359 wrote: ↑Mon Jan 23, 2023 3:24 pm
On the divorce and as a single parent (since she was 2) with roughly 50% care I have always had the fear I was 'lesser', now she is 13 and approaching the age she can choose where she goes leads to my worst nightmare, her choosing not to come to me. I doubt it will happen but I have feared it for several years. I cannot compete with her mum (she and her partner have more money, are more sociable and to me at least seem better at it all.)
All I can do is do my best really, she can't be in two places at once.
Very true, Wolf. That's all any of us can do, really.
You say you can't complete with her mum but her & her partner can never be her real dad. No one can ever compete with you for that.
Of course, teenagers can change so much but if you've always had a good relationship between you & your daughter, you'll probably be fine.
Sometimes she may need her mum a bit more or maybe not, during the coming years.
It's also difficult to not be our own harshest critic unfortunately, even when those self-judgements are not even correct.. we just fear they are..
btajim - mcfc wrote: ↑Tue Jan 24, 2023 1:37 pm
Kids are often closer to one parent than the other. I am far closer to mum and my sister was always closer to dad. He passed away well over 30 years ago.
On the divorce and kids theme, as said, I'm going through this after 42 years of being in a relationship with kids aged 25 and 23. It has become like me v the three of them having gone from a very happy family in quick time. As I've neglected my wife, so she has grown deeper bonds with the children and I can't blame her for that, but it leaves me like the bitter outsider dad.
My son's autistic and things are v black and white for him. People say that he will come round, but I fear that's not true for someone with a condition that lacks empathy.
I guess i need to accept that things were always going to be different anyway and to settle into a different routine. I keep reading that self help theory about not looking at yesterday, not looking at tomorrow and making it through the day, but I think that's Hippy nonsense - I've tried it for a few weeks and it means you don't plan anything. Think you need to move incrementally towards something.
Anyone else never felt the need for counselling, never doubted their judgement, had a happy marriage and successful career and then, in later life, suddenly be on the verge of losing it?
Doc.
I wish I was able to help out here with practical advice and tips on how to get through this phase of your life.
Sadly that's not the case.
I can't relate directly to your predicament as I don't have kids and I've not been through a divorce.
I can however relate to how you're feeling right now. Life is a total c unit at times and usually all at once.
A week or two ago you offered a virtual fist bump in my direction and I'm throwing one back at you hoping that the gesture conveys some comfort (it did for me).
Regarding counselling, it's got to be worth a go.
Personally, I popped my hand up in mid-July last year, my first session is scheduled for February 8th!
Luckily, I had another path to go down (extended family member) and I took it. Bloody glad I did too.
Your Doc's, Doc might be better than mine. I hope so.
Get in touch with them Doc. You've tried the (my approved) Hippy s*** and it's not for you, which is fine.
I've (very) recently realised that there is no need for any of us to suffer.
Doc I really feel for you mate, my advice is try and get the counselling, it should make a difference to you over time.
You are grieving right now for what you had and counselling can help you get through it.
My mate divorced his dragon ( his words ) about 14 years ago after suffering 25 years of absolute hell. He met a lovely divorced woman almost immediately and has been married happily to her for about ten years.
He has three boys from his first marriage aged 28, 25, 20 and collects two of them every second weekend. He doesn't talk to the toxic ex wife.
The kids get on great with him. Unfortunately the eldest boy has Asperger's and he has not even seen him for ten years or spoken to him.
He blames the Ex wife as she has poisoned him against him. He found this very hard to accept but had lots of counselling and while it's not ideal he has accepted it.
I am not saying this will happen to you hopefully your boy will come round over time but either way you are having a tough time right now and I hope you get some good advice on here to help you try and get through it mate.
Doc H Ball wrote: ↑Wed Jan 25, 2023 1:16 am
My son's autistic and things are v black and white for him. People say that he will come round, but I fear that's not true for someone with a condition that lacks empathy.
I have Asperger’s and struggle with empathy for others too. The very late diagnosis at 30 improved things significantly so I’m yet to make the kind of mistakes I have done in the past.
Routine is important to me and I dislike change. However, like me, he’ll come round.
Definitely recommend the counselling. I had some about 20 years ago and the chap was brilliant help.
Been on a health kick, walking more, doing a fitness app, cutting back on unhealthy food (not that we eat a lot of fried stuff anyway) and the drinking and coffee. Lost a bit of weight etc.
Got a blood pressure machine, plugged it in and the readings are showing I have very high blood pressure...which I sort of suspected anyway as I had it just before covid hit and as a result got no follow up.
Going to try and get a GP appointment tomorrow, dreading it.
smuts wrote: ↑Wed Jan 25, 2023 7:02 pm
Definitely recommend the counselling. I had some about 20 years ago and the chap was brilliant help.
Been on a health kick, walking more, doing a fitness app, cutting back on unhealthy food (not that we eat a lot of fried stuff anyway) and the drinking and coffee. Lost a bit of weight etc.
Got a blood pressure machine, plugged it in and the readings are showing I have very high blood pressure...which I sort of suspected anyway as I had it just before covid hit and as a result got no follow up.
Going to try and get a GP appointment tomorrow, dreading it.
Trying to GET the appointment or going to it?..
Don't dread going to it, Smuts. If your bp is high, it's high & the sooner it comes down on meds, the less silent, serious damage it'll be doing & the less chance you'll have of a stroke or heart attack.
It's a bummer but the older we get, usually the more stupid health things we get.. no one stays 18 forever, sadly..
Going to it. Hopefully they can sort it pretty quickly with some tablets.
I know I'm overweight but can do ten minutes of crunches, high kicks, planks, etc no bother, lift 5kg of weights for 10 minutes and walk for 2 hours without getting puffed out and so on. My missus who has perfect blood pressure gets more puffed out than me on walks and she's pretty much ideal weight and is on her feet all day so I'm not a wheezing mess.
Not particularly stressed just usual work stuff but nothing onerous.
Having covid twice I don't think helped either...along with mainly sitting up the kitchen table working for over 2 years.
No wonder high BP is called the silent killer. Read that over a third of the UK has it...
Doc H Ball wrote: ↑Wed Jan 25, 2023 1:16 am
On the divorce and kids theme, as said, I'm going through this after 42 years of being in a relationship with kids aged 25 and 23. It has become like me v the three of them having gone from a very happy family in quick time. As I've neglected my wife, so she has grown deeper bonds with the children and I can't blame her for that, but it leaves me like the bitter outsider dad.
My son's autistic and things are v black and white for him. People say that he will come round, but I fear that's not true for someone with a condition that lacks empathy.
I guess i need to accept that things were always going to be different anyway and to settle into a different routine. I think that's a good thing to do, Doc. Many times we can coat ourselves that if only we'd done things different but the truth is, if we could have, we would have. We forget how things were for us at the time, how much stress we were under that made us do the things we did.
Life is hard mate, but we can come through the hardest things.
I keep reading that self help theory about not looking at yesterday, not looking at tomorrow and making it through the day, but I think that's Hippy nonsense - I've tried it for a few weeks and it means you don't plan anything. Think you need to move incrementally towards something.
Anyone else never felt the need for counselling, never doubted their judgement, had a happy marriage and successful career and then, in later life, suddenly be on the verge of losing it?
smuts wrote: ↑Wed Jan 25, 2023 8:02 pm
No wonder high BP is called the silent killer. Read that over a third of the UK has it...
So true, mate. It can be familial, being overweight absolutely raises it & I believe alcohol intake can be related. A high salt diet, also. From now on, low sodium salt, all the way. Not easy with takeaways/processed food though..
Just getting older, our veins & arteries tend to 'harden', which results in our bp naturally going up.
Tablets will sort it very quickly, imo.
Very good that you're doing the exercise that you are. Keep up or even increase the good work!
I had pasta tonight but I’ve started to eat a bowl of fresh vegetables as a starter before almost any dinner. Poor diet played a huge part of my illness last year and it’s shocked me in to sorting it out. I feel healthier and cleaner.
Samba wrote: ↑Wed Jan 25, 2023 8:21 pm
So true, mate. It can be familial, being overweight absolutely raises it & I believe alcohol intake can be related. A high salt diet, also. From now on, low sodium salt, all the way. Not easy with takeaways/processed food though..
Just getting older, our veins & arteries tend to 'harden', which results in our bp naturally going up.
Tablets will sort it very quickly, imo.
Very good that you're doing the exercise that you are. Keep up or even increase the good work!
Thanks Samba. Hopefully they can put my mind at rest and I'd feel a lot better with some meds.
Tenbury wrote: ↑Thu Jan 26, 2023 11:09 am
Smuts, my BP was stratospheric ( hereditary/fat/piss head) 3 weeks tablets...... everything hunky dory.. Panic not.
Are Statins the answer?
Noticed last week that NICE were pushing for everyone over the age of 55 to take them.
Seems slightly extreme to me.
You'll get there big fella, another one that has given me their time, despite what his going on in his life.
A few people on this forum are absolute ****ing diamonds, even if they don't know it.
Clive, Philly Dan, ToMoS, Ozza, adave, (must arrange that lunch) the afore two people mentioned previously - just because you may not agree with their views, opinions, or political persuasions - what counts is that they are all throughly decent people.
Make the most of them, make the most of YOU and your life - because it can be snatched from you at the blink of an eye.
Fair enough, there are some vile c**** on here too, and when the time comes to shuffle from this mortal coil, I will out them.
Trust me, I ain't going out without a few home truths to some - because what's the worst that could happen?
Be banned?
Make sure there is some popcorn in the cupboard, won't you.
I think that's a good thing to do, Doc. Many times we can coat ourselves that if only we'd done things different but the truth is, if we could have, we would have. We forget how things were for us at the time, how much stress we were under that made us do the things we did.
