A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

A Forum in which to remember those KUMB members and other West Ham United family who have sadly left us.

Moderators: Gnome, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
iLoveLasagne
Posts: 3796
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:17 am
Has liked: 204 likes
Total likes: 216 likes

A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

My mum has stage 4 bowel cancer which was diagnosed 2 years ago. On Monday they explained that chemo was no longer working and she'll only be on morphine from now on and meds to help with her bowel movements. It hasn't really sunk in yet. 3-6 months is what they have said.

Does anybody have experience of St Francis' Hopsice? My mum said she'd like to go there which I am surprised about. I would have thought being home where she is comfortable and with family able to be around her constantly would be her favoured option.

Another thing she is concerned about is that she was offered suitable housing by Havering following the discovery of the cancer as she lived in a flat with stairs previously. I moved in with her and have been her primary carer. I am not able to appear on the tenancy and I understand that when she passes I will not be offered succession rights and will at best be offered a one bedroom flat instead. Although I read on Shelter's website that Succession Rights can be passed to a close relative. But I understand that these properties are needed for the elderly and infirm so in this case it may not be possible. I would be gutted to leave as I have spent my life savings on doing it up to make my mum happy and comfortable and will never be able to recoup this. She wanted a garden so much which we got but it was in an awful state. So money was spent there along with replacing flooring, carpets, kitchen, blinds and furnishing the whole house. Will I be asked to leave straight away? If I am offered alternative accomodation, do I have any say in things get to to pick as with the bidding process and will they offer me much time?

We always knew this day was coming but nobody knew when. In my mind I always felt that she would have a tiny bit longer. Bowel Babe (Dame Deborah James) managed 5 years and I was hoping she'd reach a similar time. As I said, it hasn't really hit me yet. I am more focused on her needs rather than my own thoughts and feelings. Occasionally I will find my mind drifting towards the subject and it fills me with anxiety and sadness. But this is fleeting. I guess I feel fairly numb which makes me veer towards guilt before I find my mind numbed once more. Mum was due to fly to Hong Kong, her place of birth before lockdown and before any of this. Once she found out she was ill she thought she'd never have the chance to go, especially with the restrictions in that country which have only just been relaxed. All of her sisters flew back 2 weeks ago for the winter not expecting there to be this shocking news. Somehow I had a weird feeling that fate would be this cruel when they booked their tickets. So to potentially say goodbye, I have booked tickets for us both at considerable cost to fly out in a week. Mum's life has always been filled with the harshest of luck. I hope that she is able to have one unforgettable experience at least, to see friends not seen in years, to eat the foods she enjoyed growing up, to smell the things which bring back memories of when she was truly happy as an innocent child.

Sorry, this post is a bit of a mess. I guess my mind is in a jumble and I have lots of uncertainty and don't know who to ask or maybe afraid to ask because that makes things all too real.
User avatar
last.caress
Star Raid-er
Posts: 16725
Joined: Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:38 pm
Location: Eyes that shine, burnin' red. Dreams of you all through my head.
Has liked: 1222 likes
Total likes: 1638 likes
Contact:

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by last.caress »

I'm afraid I have no advice to offer you ILL but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am, for your mum and for you. Your post isn't a bit of a mess, it's beautiful. xxx
User avatar
btajim - mcfc
There when they were sh*t
Posts: 9878
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:40 am
Location: Cheshire
Has liked: 72 likes
Total likes: 440 likes
Contact:

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by btajim - mcfc »

As the hospice can provide 24/7 expert care then this can often be the best place to be at the very end. It’s personal choice though.

Wishing you and your family the very best.
User avatar
-DL-
Bag Man
Posts: 30097
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
Has liked: 837 likes
Total likes: 4952 likes
Contact:

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by -DL- »

:heart:
User avatar
iLoveLasagne
Posts: 3796
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:17 am
Has liked: 204 likes
Total likes: 216 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

Thanks guys. Kumb is always a safe place and it gives hope to all even during the most difficult situations in life.

DL you're looking pretty good on YouTube despite your health issues. :kumb:
User avatar
Eggs'n'nuts
Posts: 4147
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2013 5:10 pm
Location: Swimming in a glass half full.
Has liked: 152 likes
Total likes: 333 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Eggs'n'nuts »

The only thing I would say is tell the authorities how much you've laid out to make the place as comfortable and homely as possible for your Mum. You never know, they may offer you something; you can only ask.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum mate.
User avatar
S-H
Posts: 49112
Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:05 am
Location: Kumb Inn
Has liked: 5737 likes
Total likes: 9649 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by S-H »

Thinking of you mate.
User avatar
smuts
Posts: 33744
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:28 am
Location: East, East, East London
Has liked: 1498 likes
Total likes: 1439 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by smuts »

All the best Lasagne. :heart:
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
Posts: 19295
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
Has liked: 338 likes
Total likes: 728 likes
Contact:

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

Mate, that is terrible news. I feel for you, I lost my mum in 2014 from dementia and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I can't offer any advice but can your mother put you on the tenancy now? When I got with the missus she put me on the tenancy at our place and it was pretty painless. Just need a utility bill or something in your name on the address (two forms I think) and it was all good. Even if they f*** you off out of the place you're in, they can't just make you homeless.
User avatar
Samba
Posts: 21811
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
Has liked: 2484 likes
Total likes: 895 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Samba »

I'm so sorry to hear your news, mate.
Wishing you all the strength you need. :newthumb:
User avatar
iLoveLasagne
Posts: 3796
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:17 am
Has liked: 204 likes
Total likes: 216 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote: Thu Oct 13, 2022 9:57 pm Mate, that is terrible news. I feel for you, I lost my mum in 2014 from dementia and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I can't offer any advice but can your mother put you on the tenancy now? When I got with the missus she put me on the tenancy at our place and it was pretty painless. Just need a utility bill or something in your name on the address (two forms I think) and it was all good. Even if they **** you off out of the place you're in, they can't just make you homeless.
Not sure. In the tenancy guide it states there's no rights of succession except to a spouse. Maybe it varies from Borough to Borough. Despite knowing the risk, I wanted my mum to live in absolute comfort for the remainder of her life so I shelled out knowing the risk that I'd not be able to take anything with me. I guess I will write to the council but the lady who did the handover of the keys said she wasn't sure and think I may not be able to remain. I'll just have to reassure my mum that I'll be fine. Just the not knowing gives her worries and she'd rather leave with the knowledge things are all in place which may have to be sorted after the event. It's a shame as the neighbours have been so welcoming and we've really felt this has been home despite only being here for two years.

On the other matters, I think maybe I will ask if we can visit the hospice and speak to Macmillan nurses about both options. The oncologist said we'd be referred but we've received no news.

It's amazing to know how sufferers find the courage to maintain positivity knowing what they know about their time left. I guess the 'blessing' is that we know we still have time to make special memories. My friend lost her mum last year after routine surgery for breast cancer as she had developed a clot in her brain and she died peacefully two weeks later. But due to Covid she wasn't able to say goodbye. I'm not sure which is preferable. Going suddenly and peacefully with no pain but no opportunity to make memories, squeezing the most out of each day... Or having time together but that also meaning living with fear and worry.

Cancer is so widespread these days. Every colleague of mine who is 50+ has experienced cancer themselves or their wife has. Fortunately only one was lost to the illness but it's still a terrible stat. My boss had a biopsy last week and I was fearing the worst but fortunately it was negative.
User avatar
btajim - mcfc
There when they were sh*t
Posts: 9878
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:40 am
Location: Cheshire
Has liked: 72 likes
Total likes: 440 likes
Contact:

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by btajim - mcfc »

Bowel cancer is hereditary in my family. It claimed my dad and grandad. It’s all in the mental health thread but I’ve had a scare recently and was given the all clear today.

Cancer is a very broad term but one in two of us will suffer. I wouldn’t wish my last three months on my worst enemy.
User avatar
iLoveLasagne
Posts: 3796
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:17 am
Has liked: 204 likes
Total likes: 216 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

btajim - mcfc wrote: Thu Oct 13, 2022 10:50 pm Bowel cancer is hereditary in my family. It claimed my dad and grandad. It’s all in the mental health thread but I’ve had a scare recently and was given the all clear today.

Cancer is a very broad term but one in two of us will suffer. I wouldn’t wish my last three months on my worst enemy.
I read your posts Jim and am glad your situation looks better. I wasn't sure if it was hereditary but suspected it was the case as my mum said her dad who was violent passed away from it also, albeit at a very old age unlike my mum. Sometimes there's no justice in the world.
User avatar
btajim - mcfc
There when they were sh*t
Posts: 9878
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:40 am
Location: Cheshire
Has liked: 72 likes
Total likes: 440 likes
Contact:

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by btajim - mcfc »

I was incredibly upset when I fell ill but they caught the problem in time. I used to think I couldn’t be brave against this but there’s nothing else you can do.

I’m alive. I’m still here.
User avatar
WHU Independent
Posts: 6657
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:35 pm
Has liked: 1637 likes
Total likes: 506 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by WHU Independent »

I;m really sorry to hear your terrible news Lassie.

I have some experience in housing. It all depends on who your landlord is. If you have a Registered Social Landlord, provided by having, it's hit and miss. If they were like mine were, then they would just toss you out if they could, with the minimum of fuss.

If you are directly contracted with Havering council, you may well have beter luck with sucession.

Here's Shelters take on things.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_ ... il_tenancy

Basically I would get in contact with them now and get the ball rolling.

I know you will have a lot on your hands with the caring of your mum, but you should make time for these things as, hopefully, the peace of mind you will get from knowing the answer will be another weight of your shoulders.

Hope this helps and wishing you and your mum all the best.
User avatar
hammer etc
Posts: 2797
Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:37 pm
Has liked: 5 likes
Total likes: 106 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by hammer etc »

Sorry to hear your sad news.

My mother-in-law passed at St Francis. She like your mum wanted to be there, as she wanted professionals to be there at the end. She actually was not in there for long but the care she did get was very good. She spent her time there in a private room as I expect they knew she did not have long. I took some family members later to say their goodbyes and she was in a room laid out and prepared nicely for their visit. It is a peaceful place in nice grounds. I think you have to speak to your doctor to get referred, sometimes these places can be in demand. Once again sorry to that you are going through. My thought are with your mum.

Glad you've had good news btajim.
User avatar
Up the Junction
Thinks he owns the place
Posts: 70925
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2002 12:03 am
Has liked: 748 likes
Total likes: 3444 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Up the Junction »

I have no helpful advise to offer other iLL than to say make the most of every single minute you have with your mum, as those are the memories you will cherish for the rest of your life. God bless. :heart:
User avatar
ironilunga
Posts: 8985
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 11:05 am
Has liked: 378 likes
Total likes: 1191 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by ironilunga »

Like others, I have little to add by way of advice other than to encourage you to keep talking - either on here or to people you know. You being able to process what is happening will help you to support your Mum.

All the very best.
User avatar
Monkeybubbles
Posts: 13800
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
Has liked: 485 likes
Total likes: 1953 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I love you, ILoveLasagne.

Your dear mum's suffering will end, and your life will continue after that. I know that it's difficult to look too far ahead, and I know that it's easy to lose yourself in caring for others, but please make some time to look after yourself as well as your mum. I'm sure it's what she would want.
User avatar
iLoveLasagne
Posts: 3796
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:17 am
Has liked: 204 likes
Total likes: 216 likes

Re: A loved one suffering from terminal cancer, dying and sorting out affairs...

Post by iLoveLasagne »

I'm truly touched that you guys have taken the time to post such warm words. :heart:
Post Reply